You Are All I'll Ever Need Read online

  “I’ve seen him alone with Cayson a few times…he’s actually pretty sensitive.”

  “I don’t believe that.” I looked at Conrad but realized he wasn’t there. And neither was the girl.

  “Looks like he scored.”

  “Yeah.” I turned back and stared at her. My eyes lingered on her hair and face. She really was exceptionally pretty. If Cayson hadn’t gotten her first, I would have snatched her up. And she was pretty cool, not annoying like most girls.

  “Well, I should probably head out.” She pushed her empty glass away. “I’m pretty much drunk.”

  “Can I give you a ride home?” I asked.

  “Are you okay to drive?”

  “Totally,” I blurted.

  “I’ll take you up on that offer. I don’t think me being behind the wheel would be smart.”

  “Okay.” I threw enough cash for both of our drinks on the table then we headed to her apartment. She gave me the directions and I found it easily. When I pulled into the parking space, I killed the engine. “I can walk you to your door. I don’t want you to trip on the stairs.”

  “I’ll be fine but it’s very sweet of you to offer.”

  “Come on. I don’t mind.” I got out then walked with her up the stairs.

  “Okay, if you want to be nice.” She didn’t look at me as she said it.

  I was pretty sure she was drunk. “That’s not the only reason why.”

  “But it was one of them.” She fumbled with her keys and got them in the door.

  I stayed by the door and patiently waited. “Well, good night, Jasmine. It was nice seeing you.”

  “You want to come inside?” she blurted.

  Whoa…was she asking me what I think she’s asking me? “Sorry?”

  “Do you want to come inside?” She stared straight into my eyes. “I’m depressed as hell and horny, and I know what kind of guy you are. So let’s do this.”

  Damn, she was blunt. But I thought of Cayson. Would he care? He was madly in love with my sister and had been his entire life. I knew Jasmine was just a fuck buddy to him. They weren’t even friends anymore. He wouldn’t care, right?

  “I don’t mean a damn thing to Cayson,” she said quietly. “If that’s what you’re worried about. He’s happy with that perfect brunette with the awesome rack. He doesn’t think about me anymore. He never did…”

  But since she was drunk, I felt like an asshole. It probably wasn’t a good idea.

  “I’m drunk but I’m not that drunk.” She said it like she read my mind. “I’m perfectly aware of what I’m doing. I’m just a little less inhibited.”

  Now I was out of reasons to walk away. “Uh…”

  She opened the door and pulled me inside. “Come on. We’re doing this.”

  And I gave in and didn’t think about it twice.

  ***

  When I woke up the next morning, I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling. The bed didn’t feel familiar. The sheets were too soft. I suddenly noticed the pink curtains and the teddy bear on the ground.

  Then it came back to me.

  Shit, I slept with Jasmine. It wasn’t just a dream.

  Fuck. Why did I have to be so stupid? I turned my head and saw her sleeping next to me. I was a little drunk the night before so it was a haze. But now I remembered it clearly. She was on top and rode me like a cowgirl. It was good sex and she knew exactly how to please a man. She had the beauty of a supermodel but the touch of a courtesan.

  God, I was an asshole.

  I knew I shouldn’t have done it but I did it anyway. This girl was depressed because she loved a guy who didn’t feel the same way. The fact that guy was a really good friend and practically family didn’t help matters. And I took advantage of her—like a fucking pig.

  I hated myself.

  She stirred from her side of the bed. “Wow, you’re still here.”

  I sat up then ran my fingers through my hair. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

  “Guys are usually gone by now.”

  “This isn’t your first one-night stand?”

  “What do you think?” she said sarcastically. She kept the blanket over her chest.

  That answered my question. I quickly pulled on my shirt while keeping my waist covered. “Jasmine, I’m sorry. I should have just left.”

  “There’s nothing to be sorry about.” She stood up, completely naked, and pulled on a robe.

  I glanced at her perfect curves before I looked away. I really needed to control myself. “I took advantage of you and I shouldn’t have. I feel horrible now.”

  “I was under the impression you did that on a regular basis.”

  “Well…yeah…with strangers, not people I actually know.”

  “Roland, I don’t have any regrets and it was nice to have a good lay. There are really no hard feelings.” She moved her fingers through her hair and fixed the tangles. “Don’t be a girl about it.”

  “A girl?” I asked in shock. “I’m just trying to be a nice guy.”

  “If you were a nice guy, you wouldn’t have slept with me to begin with.”

  Ouch. “Maybe you would find a guy that actually cared about you if you weren’t so easy.” Shit, I shouldn’t have said that. That was low.

  If she was angry, she hid it well. “I think it’s time for you to go.” She walked out of the bedroom.

  “Fuck.” I pulled on my clothes and chased after her. “I take back what I said. I’m sorry.”

  “No you aren’t.” She stood by the open front door. “And that’s perfectly fine. Let’s just forget about this, alright?”

  I felt lower than dirt. “I honestly don’t feel good about what I did.”

  She seemed to see the sincerity in my eyes. “I’m used to being treated like shit so don’t worry about it.”

  Now she made me feel worse. “I’m sorry, okay? I wish I could take back last night.”

  “I don’t,” she said seriously. “You’re making this into a bigger deal than it needs to be.”

  “I just…I don’t want to be that guy.”

  “What guy?” she asked.

  “An asshole.”

  “Well, I don’t want to be the girl that doesn’t get the guy she wants. But that’s reality.” She pointed out the door. “Now go.”

  I stayed rooted to the spot, trying to think of a way to make this better. I wished I could just go back in time and change what happened.

  She gave me a fierce stare. “Look, the last thing I want is pity. I hate it when people look at me with sympathy in their eyes. My life is what it is because I allowed it to be this way. It’s unfortunate the first time I fell for someone he wasn’t available. Now I feel like I’ve lost my best friend. I may have just been a warm body in a bed to him, but he meant a lot more to me. But I made the decision to continue the relationship and I accept the consequences of those actions. And I feel the same way now. I don’t feel bad and I don’t feel like shit for what happened last night. You only took advantage of me because I let you. So you can look at me with those eyes of woe, but just know that I’m fine. Your sympathy is misplaced.” She grabbed my arm then pushed me over the threshold. “I’m a big girl. I only get hurt when I let people do it. And believe me, I didn’t let you do a damn thing to me.” Then she slammed the door in my face.

  ***

  I met Conrad at a pizza place a few days later.

  “Why do you look like someone beat you with a bat?” Conrad shoved the entire slice into his mouth then swallowed it.

  I’d been debating telling him what happened. He knew I wasn’t the best guy in the world since he’d seen me do worse. Of all people, he wouldn’t judge me. “I…I did something stupid.”

  He grinned. “Stupid things are also fun things. And you mean you did ‘someone’ stupid.”

  “You could say that…”

  “Spill it, dude. Was she married too?”

  I was never going to get rid of this reputation. “Worse.”

  His eyes shot up. �
�What could possibly be worse than that? Did you have sex with a dead person?”

  I cringed. “I’m not even going to answer that last question.”

  “Then stop beating around the bush and just spill it.”

  I rubbed my face with my hands then sighed. “I slept with Jasmine.”

  He stopped eating. “Cayson’s ex? That Jasmine?”

  “Yeah…”

  “How the hell did that happen?”

  I sighed then ran my fingers through my hair. “We were both drinking and having a great time…I took her home and she dragged me into her apartment. She was very insistent.”

  “Did she get on top and rape you too?”

  “Actually, pretty much.”

  Conrad sipped his soda and lowered his voice. “Was she good?”

  Should I answer that? “Let’s put it this way…I’m not sure why Cayson left her for my sister.”

  Conrad’s lips stretched into a wide smile. “You’re a damn dog.”

  “I know.” I wanted to crawl under a newspaper in a dark alley and just die.

  “Does Cayson know?”

  “No…”

  “Are you going to tell him?”

  It would be easy to keep this between Conrad and I but I felt too guilty doing that. “How mad do you think he’ll be?”

  Conrad shrugged.

  “He won’t care, right? It’s not like he loved the girl.”

  “Well, he was with her for a few months…”

  “But he dumped her for someone else so it wasn’t like he ever cared about her.”

  Conrad rubbed his chin. “But wasn’t Jasmine really hung up on him? Like, in love with him?”

  “Yeah…”

  “They must have had some strong foundation for her to feel that way, right?”

  “But you know how girls are…they immediately jump to marriage vows the second you let them get clingy.”

  “Well, I guess you won’t know until you tell him…if you’re going to tell him.”

  It would be so easy to be a coward and just forget about it. “I probably should.”

  “Good luck with that,” he said with a laugh. He clapped my shoulder. “I saw you talking to her but I never thought anything would happen.”

  “Well, she’s actually pretty cool. The thing I like most about her is how realistic she is. She understands all the bad shit that happened to her isn’t fair but she doesn’t get emotional about it. And she’s mature. She takes responsibility for her own actions, almost too much, actually.”

  “You got a thing for her or something?” he questioned.

  “No,” I said immediately. “Not at all.”

  “You seem smitten with her.”

  I gave him a firm look. “I’m not. I just feel bad that she’s not in the best place right now…and then I had to be a dick and fuck her.”

  “It’s not like you raped her. She knew what she was doing.”

  “She said the same thing. She told me I was being a girl about it then threw me out.”

  “You want my advice?” he asked.

  “I’m not sure.”

  “You’re getting it anyway. I’m the only person who knows about this, and Jasmine doesn’t strike me as the kiss and tell type of girl. Just keep this information to yourself and forget about it.”

  “And not tell Cayson? One of my closest friends and possibly my future brother-in-law?”

  “It’s not even that big of a deal. There’s no point in even talking about it. It’s not like he asked your permission to be with Skye.”

  “That’s totally different and you know it is. He’s been in love with her for years. He actually cares about her. If I told him I actually liked Jasmine and respected her, he would have a very different reaction.”

  “Look, just don’t tell him. If he’s mad, it’s just going to create drama. And he’s so happy with Skye that he doesn’t need that bliss to be broken.”

  That would be the easy way out. “I don’t know…”

  “I’m telling you, just let this go, Roland.”

  I sighed. “I’ll think about it.”

  ***

  The guilt was eating me alive. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, and since I couldn’t tell anyone else besides Conrad, I had no one else to talk about it with. Slade was the perfect person to seek advice from, but since he was Cayson’s best friend, that was a stupid idea.

  My head was pounding and it wouldn’t stop. I did a lot of stupid things in my life but this was one of the worst. Since it could affect Cayson, someone I actually cared about, I felt lower than dirt. If he hurt my sister and used her, someone I loved, I wouldn’t be okay with it. I felt like I stabbed him in the back. But it still didn’t make me confess my sins. If anything, it pushed me further away from fessing up and being a man about it.

  My mom was a good person to talk to. She listened without judgment and she didn’t get emotional about things. Ironically, my mother thought with her mind while my father thought with his heart, at least when it came to me and Skye. My mom seemed to know when to back off and when to press her point. We’d always been close.

  I texted Mom. How’s it going?

  You never ask me that unless something’s wrong.

  Damn, my mom knew me well. If you have time, I’d like to talk. I need advice on something.

  I always have time for you, Roland. Don’t ever think otherwise.

  Well, call me when Dad isn’t around.

  Oh no. That doesn’t sound good.

  I could hear the sarcasm through her words. It’s not as bad as you’re thinking.

  So you didn’t knock up the married woman you slept with?

  I tried not to laugh. No.

  Phew. I can breathe again. Do you have plans for dinner? I can drive down there.

  But then Dad will know you came down to talk to me.

  Don’t worry about him. I can handle your father.

  Okay. I’ll see you when you get here.

  ***

  My mom arrived a little after five. She wore dark jeans and heeled boots. A gray pea coat kept her warm against the cold. My mom always dressed nice even if she just stayed home all day. She had an elegance to her that I appreciated. My friends all said she was hot but they never disrespected her, and it was probably because she commanded respect with every step she took.

  When she saw me, her eyes lit up in joy. She was always so excited to see me, like all she had been doing was thinking about me since we last parted. Without trying, she made me feel loved and special, that I was always in her heart and her thoughts. “You’re more handsome every time I see you.” She came to me and hugged me tightly. She was a foot shorter than me, and I found it ironic that I still bowed down to her despite my strength and size. I was a grown man but I still felt inferior to my mother.

  “Thanks, Mom.”

  She continued to hug me. “I just can’t believe how big you are. I still remember when you crawled across the living room in just a diaper.”

  “Well, I couldn’t stay that way forever.”

  She pulled away then sighed in happiness. She stared at me for a moment, her eyes lingering on mine. My mom always took me in like she was trying to memorize my face. I knew I was lucky to have parents that loved me so much. When I thought about Jasmine, who was totally alone in the world, I felt even worse for what I had done. I had two parents who would do anything for me. Actually, I pretty much had ten parents that would do anything for me. Jasmine didn’t even have one. “Are you hungry?” she asked.

  “I didn’t get this big from not eating. And I know you must be starving.”

  “Here come the jokes…”

  “Dad isn’t here so I have to tease you in his absence.”

  “You are your father’s son.”

  We got into her car then drove to a restaurant off campus. It was a small Italian bistro. Light music played overhead and everyone kept their voices low. The lights were dim and most of the glow came from the candles on every table. />
  My mom nibbled on a piece of bread while she looked at me. “I’m ready whenever you are.” She dipped the corner into balsamic dressing then took a bite. She always took small bites, not dropping a single crumb.

  Now I had to actually talk. Being around my mom made me forget all my troubles. “You can’t tell Dad.”

  She sighed. “I’m liking this less and less, Roland.”

  “I need to know you won’t tell him before I say anything.”

  She finished her bread then wiped her fingers on her napkin. “When it comes to marriage and raising two kids, you tell your partner everything. It’s an unspoken rule. But, I will protect your privacy and your secrets as long as you aren’t in danger, endangering someone else, or need the intervention of your father. So, if your announcement doesn’t fall into those categories, you’re safe.”

  It did. “I just don’t want Dad to be ashamed of me.”

  Her eyes lost their light as she looked at me. “Roland, your father would never be ashamed of you.”

  I wasn’t so convinced. “I know how Dad is. He’s a straight shooter. He expects me to be the perfect man just like he is. It’s a lot of pressure sometimes.”

  My mom pressed her lips together while she considered my words. “Your father is the perfect man because he used to be a shithead.”

  I chuckled. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you use that word.”

  “Because I use it very seldom.” She rested her elbows on the table and leaned forward. “Your father is the most amazing man in the world. I look up to him. There are days when I make mistakes and turn to him for guidance.”

  “Mom, you’ve never done anything wrong in your life.”

  She smirked then dropped it. “Your father wasn’t always the man he is now. Frankly, he was the kind of man I wouldn’t let Skye get anywhere near. He was selfish, rude, and like I said, a shithead.”

  I tried not to laugh.

  “But all those experiences made him what he is today. He’s an amazing father and husband because he wasn’t always perfect. His wisdom comes from his flaws. So don’t ever think you aren’t good enough for your father. The only reason why he’s hard on you sometimes is because he knows how capable you are. And believe me, you want a parent to believe in you, not the opposite.”

  I stared at the bread on the table and rubbed the side of my face. “I guess his opinion means a lot to me.”