To Love Again Read online

  To Love Again

  Book Forty-Three of The Forever and Ever Series

  E. L. Todd

  Chapter One

  Lexie

  I’ve never hated myself more than I do right now.

  Jared scarred me in such a permanent way, and Conrad was the only man who pulled me out of my funk. And in return I mutilated him. I broke his heart. Actually, I broke everything.

  Why did I have to do that?

  I wasn’t ready to get married. After seeing Dad drive away from Mom without any contrition I knew I couldn’t marry Conrad—or anyone. One day he would do the same to me and I would be all alone.

  But then I realized I was all alone anyway.

  I left the restaurant then walked the streets, tears flooding my face. I was in agony over the way I treated Conrad. I’d never expected him to propose to me. It should have been a joyous moment, and instead it was the worst night of my life.

  He shouldn’t forgive me.

  I didn’t deserve another chance.

  But I loved him. I loved him so much. He was all I could ever think about, and for the past four months I’d been locked away in my apartment trying to pass the time. Mom and Macy were there for me, but nothing they said changed the way I felt. I left a note under his door to explain what happened.

  But he never got it.

  I wasn’t sure what I expected. I guess I wanted him to understand why I said no. And another part of me wanted him to come after me and convince me he and I were different than everyone else, that we would make it.

  But he shouldn’t need to convince me.

  He already proved it—a million times over.

  I ruined the greatest thing that ever happened to me.

  He kept telling me to leave, that he would never give me another chance. But I couldn’t help but notice the pain in his eyes when he watched me cry. His body stiffened in need when his lips were pressed to mine. When he thought I wasn’t paying attention, I saw him stare at me like he couldn’t stop. When we saw each other in the restaurant, I saw the old Conrad, the one who used to look at me fondly every morning when I woke up in his arms.

  He was still there.

  I knew he still loved me. I could see it in his eyes. Even when he was with Carrie, I could tell his feelings for me never changed. He was much angrier and bitter, and he was darker than he’d ever been before, but the pieces of his heart that remained in tact were still reserved for me.

  I had to get him back. I had to make this right.

  But how?

  Did I wait too long? Did I drag my feet until I made this epiphany? Could it be saved?

  Even after all this time I knew Conrad well. He wouldn’t take me back because he was terrified and hurt. And his family’s opinion meant everything to him even if he said otherwise. If I were going to get him back, I had to get the entire family back. I had to convince them I was sorry and that I truly loved Conrad despite what I did.

  But I knew it wouldn’t be easy.

  ***

  I already saw Mike the other day, and that was tense. He didn’t yell at me or say the insulting things I deserved to hear, but it was still uncomfortable. He didn’t want me anywhere near Conrad, and that told me he despised me.

  Of course he despised me.

  Mike had treated me like a member of the family since I first came around. Both he and Cassandra were second parents to me, and seeing their love for each other restored my faith in marriage—and my relationship with Conrad. But now their fondness for me had evaporated like a droplet in the desert. There was no evidence it was ever there.

  But I had to face them. Conrad was close with his father. They’d become friends after he started working at PIXEL. I saw their relationship grow first hand. If I was ever going to make this right I had to patch things up with them.

  When I arrived at their house snow was on the ground. Winter had come early, and the chill bit me right to the bone. My car shook as it went over patches of powder. Once I was in front of their house I stared at it. Memories of Christmas and Thanksgiving came back to me. Conrad was always the happiest during the holidays, surrounded by the people he loved most.

  I missed that.

  After mentally coaching myself I got out and headed to the door. It was silent on the grounds, like there was no life on the property. The Prestons were infamous for their privacy and isolation. They preferred the company of their own and despised outsiders. I was one of the lucky few who managed to reach the inner circle.

  I pulled off my glove then knocked on the large ornate door. The sound echoed loudly, reaching every corner of the mansion they resided in. I held my breath as I waited, but that made my heart pound even more.

  When the door I opened I was met with the cold stare I’d been expecting.

  Cassandra didn’t look at me like I was another daughter. She stared at me like I was a stranger, someone she once knew and hated. There wasn’t even a hint of her former warmth. Her face was a slab of marble, smooth and unmarked.

  “Hi…” My first instinct was to abandon this mission but I stood my ground. I couldn’t throw in the towel, not when so much was at stake. If I really wanted Conrad I’d have to work for it. They wouldn’t forgive me overnight, and they would hate me for a long time no matter how remorseful I was. “How are you?”

  She crossed her arms over her chest. “What do you want?”

  This was a side of Cassandra I didn’t know. She was never anything but sweet. Now she was cold and calculating, vengeful and spiteful. “I was hoping I could have a moment of your time.”

  “What makes you think you deserve it?”

  Ouch. “I just—”

  “Who’s at the door?” Mike’s deep voice came from upstairs. His heavy footsteps were heard on the floorboards as he made his way to the entryway.

  “No one,” Cassandra answered while keeping her gaze on me.

  Mike came up behind her, and when he laid his eyes on me his expression turned ice-cold.

  They both hated me.

  Now I really wanted to run. I wanted to turn on my heel and seek comfort in the tinted windows of my car. I wanted to drive from this place and never come back. But my feet remained rooted to the ground. I had to face the consequences head on, and I knew I deserved their harshness. “I was hoping I could talk to both of you.”

  “About what?” Cassandra asked. “Whatever you’re selling, we aren’t buying.”

  I took the hits without reacting. “I wanted to apologize for what happened with Conrad.”

  “It isn’t us you should be apologizing to,” Cassandra said. “You’re wasting your time.” She started to shut the door.

  Instinctively, I barred it open with my arm. “Wait, hold on.”

  Cassandra’s eyes were wide with offense. “Get off my property. Now.”

  “Please let me talk,” I said. “I want you to know how sorry I am for what I did. Please. Just give me a few minutes. If you shut me out now I’ll just come back some other time. I’m not going to go away.” It was a bold thing to say but I was desperate.

  Cassandra opened the door wider but didn’t allow me inside.

  “Let her in.” Mike headed to the living room.

  At least I made it inside. Once I was in the living room I sat on the couch. Neither one of them offered me anything, which was unusual for them. My back was rigid and still, and I tried not to give in to the fear.

  Mike and Cassandra sat together on the opposite couch and stared at me. Their looks weren’t inviting.

  “I made a mistake,” I said quietly. “My answer should have been yes.”

  “But it was no,” Mike said. “It was no.”

  “I know…and I regret that more than you could possibly understand.”

  “We had
a surprise engagement party waiting for you at the house,” Cassandra said. “Everyone was there. But Conrad never showed up because he called Theo and said he was running off to Italy because you ran off when he presented that gorgeous ring .” Her hatred was heavy in every word. “And you’re telling us you regret that?”

  They were both terrifying. “Of course I do.”

  “Lexie, why are you telling us this?” Mike asked. “What’s the point in all of this?”

  “I want you to believe me when I say I’m sorry.” But I had a feeling they would never believe me.

  “And what does that matter?” Cassandra asked.

  “Because I love Conrad and I have to get him back.” My voice shook as the fear emerged. “The only way that’s going to happen is if everyone forgives me. He won’t give me a chance otherwise.”

  “That’s a stupid plan,” Cassandra said. “If you really think my husband and I are going to sweep this under the rug you really are stupid. You’ll never be good enough for my son. You’re beneath him.”

  I averted my gaze because those words burned.

  Mike whispered to her. “Baby, take it down a notch.”

  “No,” Cassandra snapped. “If she thinks she’s going to get a fairytale ending after everything that happened, she’s an idiot. You put my son through hell. You changed him. You broke him.”

  “I know…” My eyes watered and I wished they wouldn’t. “I know.”

  “No, you don’t,” Cassandra said viciously. “He went off the deep end. He wasn’t himself for a long time. And when he finally remembered who he was, he was a lesser version. Conrad isn’t Conrad anymore. You’re the one to blame for that. So don’t sit here and tell me you love my son.”

  My eyes continued to bubble with tears. “I hate myself for what I did…”

  “And I hate you,” Cassandra said.

  Mike rested his hand on hers. “Baby.”

  Cassandra didn’t look apologetic.

  “I just got scared,” I said through my tears. “I’ve been divorced and I didn’t want to go through that again. And just when I started to believe in relationships again, my dad divorced my mom and left her for a woman half his age. I just…I didn’t want to go through that and I panicked. I made a stupid decision and I wish I could take it back. I would do anything to take it back…”

  Mike’s eyes softened in pity.

  Cassandra didn’t react at all.

  “I don’t deserve Conrad and I know that.” I wiped my eyes with the back of my forearm. “But I want him so much. And I know he still loves me. Even after all this time he still feels the same way.”

  “No, he doesn’t,” Cassandra said.

  She didn’t know him the way I did. “Yes, he does. He can spend the rest of his life trying to forget me but he can’t. And I can’t forget him. If he really moved on and didn’t feel the same way I would let him go. But I know that isn’t the case.” I moved my eyes to them and hoped to see something besides hostility.

  Both of their faces were blank.

  “Then why doesn’t he take you back?” Cassandra challenged. “If he really does love you?”

  “Because he’s scared—not that I blame him.” After what I did, he would always be scared. “And he doesn’t trust me. He’s still suffering from what I did. It’s not something he can just get over in a week.”

  “And you think getting us on your side will change anything?” Mike asked.

  “I know it would help,” I said. “If everyone thinks I’m truly sorry and that I love him it could make a difference.”

  “Kissing our ass isn’t going to do squat,” Cassandra said. “We would never put in a good word for you.”

  Mike grabbed her hand. “Baby, she gets it.” Honestly, I expected Mike to be the meaner one of the two. He was fiercely protective of his kids. He turned his gaze back to me. “But she’s right. This is Conrad’s relationship and we would never interfere with it, positively or negatively. Neither one of us will stick out our neck for you, Lexie. I’m sorry.”

  “I just want you to believe that I’m sorry. I really wish I could take it back. I love your son. Despite what you think…I love him with all my heart.” The sobs emerged from deep within my throat and I couldn’t hold it back. I took a deep breath and tried to stifle it but it didn’t work. Embarrassed, I covered my face and gave into my grief.

  Mike moved to the spot beside me and wrapped his arm around my shoulder. “I believe you, Lexie.”

  I expected Cassandra to take the other seat beside me but she didn’t.

  “Shh…it’ll be okay.” Mike continued to rub my back.

  I finally managed to stop crying and catch my breath. I wish I hadn’t broke down in front of his parents like that, but I was a ticking time bomb. I was radioactive, and I infected everyone around me.

  Cassandra didn’t feel any sympathy. Her face was just as cold as before. Without saying a word she left the couch and headed upstairs, her head held high. I was beneath her, a bug that sould be squished under her shoe.

  Mike stayed by my side. “I have a reputation for being the protective parent. Cassandra is worse than I am, if you can believe it.”

  “I do believe it,” I whispered.

  Mike was warm toward me but not the way he used to. “I stand by what I said. Cassandra and I won’t sway Conrad either way. This is his decision. And while you’re sorry, keep in mind what you did. It was pretty traumatic. I know Conrad loves you, but sometimes love just isn’t enough.”

  I didn’t want to hear that. I wanted to hear something optimistic, that Conrad and I would somehow find our way back to each other. “If he forgave me, you would accept his decision?”

  “I would accept any decision he made as long as he was happy. Cassandra…not so sure.”

  She hated me, and I knew she would always hate me. “Thank you…for being nice to me. I don’t deserve your kindness.”

  “It’s okay,” he said. “I can see the remorse in your eyes. I know you really regret it. I’m not one to hold a grudge.”

  “So, you think I have a chance with Conrad?”

  He shrugged. “My son is the most eligible bachelor in the country. He’s good-looking, smart, and he’s compassionate. He could have any woman he wants, someone who would get their relationship right on the first try. I think he deserves someone that shouldn’t have had to make such a dire mistake to realize she really wants him. But I also believe he deserves to be with the one woman he loves. If that woman is you…then yes.”

  My words came out as a whisper. “I am that woman.”

  “Then you have your answer.”

  Chapter Two

  Skye

  “Baby, I don’t know about this…” Cayson finished shoveling the snow from the back porch and set the shovel off to the side. The area around the fire pit was now clear and ready to go. “It’s really cold.”

  “Hence, the fire pit.” I was bundled up in a warm jacket.

  “I don’t want you to get sick.” He came to my side, only wearing a t-shirt and jeans. The cold had no effect on him. His breath came out smoky but he seemed perfectly fine with it.

  “I’ll be fine, Cayson.” He always worried over nothing.

  “Remember, you’ve got a little one in there…”

  “He’ll be fine.”

  “Well, I’ll make sure you guys are warm enough. We’ll get some extra blankets.” He moved to the fire pit and got the gas started. Then he placed the graham crackers, chocolate, and marshmallows on the table along with the iron sticks for roasting.

  “I’ll make some margaritas to keep everyone warm.”

  “Margaritas?” he asked. “Aren’t those blended with ice?”

  “But the alcohol makes us hot.”

  “Trust me,” he said. “The guys will want beer or scotch—nothing else.”

  After everything was ready, everyone came over. Bundled in their jackets and scarves they joined us on the patio. The flames were tall and emitted enough heat t
o keep everyone warm. Appetizers were placed on the table, and everyone started roasting.

  “Warm enough, baby?” Slade asked as he had Trinity on his lap.

  “I’m fine.” She shoved a marshmallow on the stick and placed it over the fire. “I love it when it’s brown and crunchy.”

  Slade continued to eye her like he wasn’t sure if her jacket and boots were enough. Then he took off his jacket and wrapped it tightly around her even though he was just wearing a t-shirt.

  “Slade, I’m fine,” Trinity argued.

  Slade buttoned it in the front, especially the area over her belly. “I’m fine too. So keep it.”

  I smiled when I watched them, loving the fact that Slade was completely different than he used to be. He was nurturing and caring, always putting his family before himself.

  Clementine sat beside Ward. “ Is Silke coming?”

  Slade turned to me. “Is she?”

  “I called her but she didn’t answer.” I texted her too but there was no response.

  “Maybe she and Arsen are doing something tonight,” Slade said. “And my parents are on babysitting duty.”

  “Hopefully, they’re doing something that doesn’t make them freeze their ass off.” Clementine scooted closer to Ward for warmth.

  Theo had Dee in his lap. She only had eyes for him and would press her lips to his ear and exchange quiet secrets. Then they would chuckle together before more kisses were shared. Even though their relationship was new they seemed to be in love.

  Roland and Heath were happy too, off in their own world. Their rings shined bright in the light from the campfire. When Roland took a warm marshmallow off the stick he smeared it across Heath’s face.

  Heath smiled then licked it off.

  “So, you guys are getting married this weekend,” Slade said. “Nervous?”

  “Nope.” Ward smiled like the idea only excited him.

  “You?” Slade asked Clementine.

  “I’m eager to get it over with,” Clementine said.

  Ward turned his glare on her.

  “Because you’ll finally chill out.” She glared at him back.

  We all chuckled at her response.