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  Ray of Life

  E. L. Todd

  This is a work of fiction. All the characters and events portrayed in this novel are fictitious or used fictitiously. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the publisher or author, except in the case of a reviewer, who may quote brief passages in a review.

  Fallen Publishing

  Ray of Life

  Copyright © 2017 by E. L. Todd

  All Rights Reserved

  1

  Ryker

  I walked Cheyenne to the door and gave her a kiss good night. I hadn’t invited her to sleep over because I didn’t want to share my bed with her. It was claustrophobic and uncomfortable. I didn’t want to hold her all night and pretend to enjoy it. Truth was, I just wanted pussy.

  She wrapped her arm around my neck as she kissed me aggressively, her small tongue darting into my mouth with eagerness. We’d just screwed and I made her come, but she wanted more.

  I was satisfied.

  She pulled away, but her body was still pressed hard into me. “You wanna get dinner tomorrow night?”

  I didn’t want to be an ass, but I wasn’t interested in seeing her again. It was better to be cold and honest than to leave her hanging. “I’m pretty busy. If you want to stop by sometime, give me call.” That wasn’t gentle either, but it was better than a simple no.

  Her eyes fell when she understood what I meant. She should have expected this would happen eventually. I picked her up at a bar one night and took her back to my place. I’d never given her the impression I was looking for a woman to share my life with. I wanted something short with easy sex and decent conversation.

  But now it was over.

  “I’ll see you around.” She gave me another kiss before she walked away, her hair messy in the back from the way I gripped it earlier.

  “Good night.” I shut the door and walked back into my apartment. I was in my black sweatpants without a shirt, sexually satisfied but pathetically lonely. I stood in my living room and stared out the window to the bright skyscrapers of the city. I was on top of the world but at the bottom of my life.

  Fuck, I missed Austen.

  She and I were just hooking up, but the sex never felt meaningless. She and I were just hanging out, but it seemed like our friendship had lasted a lifetime. We were so artificial, but so deep at the same time.

  I felt like I lost Rae all over again.

  I fell back into my sofa and rested my neck on the cushion. I stared up at the high ceiling, seeing the small art lights that dimly lit my apartment. It was quiet. I couldn’t hear traffic from the street this high up. In Austen’s apartment, the noise was obvious in any room because she was close to the bottom floor.

  I missed that sound.

  I pulled out my phone and checked for a message that I knew wouldn’t exist. I wanted to ask Austen how her day was. I wanted to know if she went to the gym, even though I already knew the answer.

  She said she hadn’t gotten back together with Nathan, but I saw the way she kissed him. It was only a matter of time before they picked up where they left off. Months would go by, and then they would be living together, having the life they should have had years ago. I would just be a stepping stone, a name she would eventually forget.

  Fuck, why hadn’t I said something sooner?

  Was I doomed to fuck up like this for the rest of my life?

  Was I condemned to be alone forever?

  I was lucky enough to meet two incredible women, but I lost both of them. Zeke was a good guy and a worthy opponent. But Nathan didn’t deserve Austen. He should have kept his dick in his pants when he had a woman like that waiting at home for him.

  I was disappointed in her. I understood she loved the guy. I even believed he would get it right this time. But that didn’t erase the past. It didn’t change the mistake he made. Maybe Austen could forget about it, but I never would.

  I sat on that couch for a long time, listening to the distant hum of my refrigerator as it made ice. I could have turned on the TV just to have something to look at, but I didn’t. I absorbed my isolation like a sponge, feeling on top of the world but so low at the same time. I had so much to be grateful for, but I was utterly miserable.

  I looked at my phone again and wrote a message to Austen.

  I fucking miss you. My depression was doing all the talking in that moment. My heart was on my sleeve, and I didn’t care how aggressive I was being. But then reality clicked in, and I erased the words in the box and tossed my phone aside.

  I couldn’t be trusted with that thing.

  At least not tonight.

  My week was uneventful. I hit the gym every day, but played video games for the rest of the time. The guys asked me to go out, but I chose to stay home and wallow in my solitude. When I focused on a task, like a video game, it usually distracted me enough so I wouldn’t think about the woman I lost.

  Did I ever really have her?

  She wanted to be with a cheating asshole over me.

  What a fucking insult.

  Liam had been right the whole time. He warned me Austen would break my heart, and I was too arrogant to think I could be a victim. But that woman got me good. My heart had already been broken, but she managed to break it all over again.

  Now I was even more convinced of my feelings for her. I continued to shrug them off for so long, living in denial. But the truth was right in front of me the entire time. I was still hung up on Rae, but Austen was definitely taking her place.

  I hadn’t spoken to Austen in a week, and I was beginning to lose my mind. I just wanted a conversation with her, something normal. I took our closeness for granted, our wonderful friendship. I could tell her anything without fear of judgment. I couldn’t say that about very many people.

  My phone rang, and Liam’s name popped up on the screen. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, but when Liam was involved, there was always a possibility Austen wouldn’t be too far behind. I answered. “What’s up, man?”

  “I haven’t talked to you all week. What’s new with you?”

  Just thriving in despair. “I’ve been working on stuff for my family’s company. You know, paperwork and what not.”

  “Sounds like a snooze fest.”

  “You could say that.” I held the phone between my shoulder and neck and kept playing with the game on mute. He could probably hear my fingers tapping against the buttons of my controller.

  “You wanna go out tonight? Madeline wants to try this new vegan place. I’m not thrilled about it, but you know, I want pussy, so whatever.”

  I chuckled into the phone. “No, you don’t. Stop trying to be macho.”

  “What are you talking about? Of course I do.”

  “Madeline isn’t pussy, and you know it. You like this woman. Just own up to it.”

  Liam sighed into the phone. “Fine, I like her. You wanna come?”

  “As the third wheel?”

  “No, I think Austen and Jenn are going to be there.” He paused to wait for my reaction. “Unless, you don’t really want to be around Austen anymore.”

  It was in my best interest to stay away from her, to protect what remained of my broken heart. But damn, I missed her like crazy. I wanted to see her, to laugh with her. “You know I don’t have a problem with her.”

  “Well, you seemed pretty—”

  “I’m fine, Liam.” I wasn’t going to admit my heartbreak to another person. I didn’t want Liam to rub his advice in my face. “Just let me know what time, and I’ll be there.”

  I can’t remember the last time I was this nervous.

  Acid had built up in my stomach, and I felt nauseated.
A part of me couldn’t wait to be with Austen again, to hug her again. But another part of me wanted to get the hell out of there and spare me the pain.

  Liam and I got there first, and a moment later, Austen and Madeline walked inside. Jenn was nowhere to be found.

  Austen wore a strapless yellow sundress with a gold necklace around her throat. Her dark hair was in loose curls that trailed down her shoulders. She was stunning—like always.

  I was rock-hard.

  I gawked at her as she walked inside, those long legs extended underneath her dress. She wore nude heels. I liked it when she wore heels. It was easier for me to bend down and kiss her. I was mesmerized by her appearance, her sheer elegance.

  Wow, I missed her.

  I rose to my feet because my legs were thinking on their own. Liam did the same when he realized his date was there. He turned and embraced her, leaving Austen and me alone to look at each other.

  We just stared.

  It was tense.

  Awkward.

  Strange.

  I couldn’t take my eyes off her. She was gorgeous from head to toe, and those pretty eyes did strange things to my gut. My lips ached for hers, and I longed for those nights we used to share together. “Hey, Stone Cold.” I forced the words out of my mouth and the smile that followed afterward.

  She immediately smiled at the nickname, an automatic response. “Hey.”

  I moved in to hug her because it felt strange not greeting her in an ordinary fashion. I wrapped my arms around her and allowed them to rest on her hips. It gave me the opportunity to hide my face and smell her hair.

  She smelled amazing.

  She hugged me back, letting the embrace linger just the way I did.

  Would it be totally inappropriate if I kissed her?

  Friends kiss, right?

  Austen pulled away just in time. She was testing my patience by looking so beautiful. It was absolute torture. “How are you?”

  Terrible.

  Depressed.

  Lost.

  “Good. You?”

  “Yeah…good.”

  We sat down, and the waiter took our drink orders. Austen sat across from me so it felt like we were on a double date.

  A date would be nice.

  “Jared broke up with that girl he was seeing,” Madeline said.

  “He did?” Liam blurted. “Why? She was hot.”

  Austen kicked him under the table at the exact same time I did.

  Austen and I exchanged a quick look, feeling our legs touch together. Just that got me hot. I missed the way those beautiful legs used to wrap around my waist while I fucked her hard into the mattress.

  Calm down, Ryker.

  Madeline didn’t seem upset by Liam’s stupid comment. “I don’t know. He didn’t tell me why.”

  “That’s a shame,” Austen said. “I liked her. She was a good bowler too.”

  Austen told me that Jared had a thing for Madeline. I wondered if that had anything to do with their breakup. Maybe Liam had competition on the horizon. He should seal the deal now while he had the chance. You never know when another guy will come along and steal your woman.

  I know from experience.

  We ordered our lunch then handed over the menus. I just picked something at random because I wasn’t a vegan kind of guy. I need some serious protein in my diet, mainly chicken and fish. I couldn’t eat greens all day like Madeline. Liam was in for a tough road.

  Since Austen was sitting directly across from me, I had nothing else to do besides stare at her. It was easy to do and enjoyable. I remembered the way those soft strands felt between my fingertips. I remembered the way those soft lips felt against mine.

  I remembered everything.

  Did she?

  I wanted to ask about Nathan, but I didn’t want to know the answer. She said she wasn’t seeing him, but after that kiss, I suspected it was bound to happen. I couldn’t compete with the man she was going to marry.

  Luck wasn’t on my side.

  “Did you catch the Met game the other night?” Austen finally asked, breaking the stare down we had against each other.

  It took a moment for me to absorb her words and understand what she was saying. I kept picturing her underneath me on the bed, taking a pounding that made her come. “Yeah, I did.” I stared at the screen without really watching it. I caught the score here and there. But if anything significant happened, I missed it. “You?”

  “Yeah.”

  Did she watch it with Nathan? I missed being able to talk to her how I wanted, to be honest. Now I was walking on eggshells, steering away from topics neither one of us wanted to broach.

  It sucked.

  She didn’t ask me about Cheyenne. I wanted to tell her I wasn’t seeing her anymore, but that wouldn’t make any difference. I would just pick up someone new in a few days…and then someone new after that. The cycle would continue indefinitely.

  And so would my misery.

  We all said goodbye on the sidewalk and went our separate ways. Austen and I happened to live in the same direction, so we walked side by side. My hands were in my pockets because I didn’t trust them. They wanted to grab those womanly hips and force her into my chest. “What are you up to now?”

  “Just heading home. What about you?”

  I didn’t want to go home. I’d been inside all week, with the exception of my gym visits. “I’ll probably watch the Yankees.” I didn’t have anything else to do, and watching sports was a great way to stop my depressing thoughts.

  “Yeah, me too.”

  My brain flipped on me and the words flew out of my mouth. “You wanna watch it with me?” I didn’t know what the hell I was doing, but the damage was done. The question was out in the universe and could never be taken back.

  “Sure.”

  Really? I wanted to jump in the air and even do a little dance like a moron. “Cool. Let’s pick up some beers on the way.” I stopped by a convenience store and picked up a six-pack before we entered my building. We took the elevator to the top before we entered my lonely apartment. I popped off two caps and handed her a bottle.

  She took a look around like she expected the place to look different since the last time she visited. She took a seat on one side of the couch, purposely keeping her distance.

  I was disappointed, but I wasn’t sure what I was expecting in the first place. I sat in my usual spot and turned on the game.

  She crossed her legs and drank her beer. When she wasn’t drinking, she played with the top of the bottle by sliding her fingers around the glass. Even something as boring as her fingers were sexy.

  I was so excited to get her here, but now that she was right beside me, I didn’t know what to do. It didn’t feel the same way it used to. She wasn’t ten feet away—but it felt like ten miles. “How’s work?” It was such a simple question, but my arsenal was empty at the moment.

  “About the same. I got a new treadmill desk.”

  “Cool. Sounds dangerous though.”

  “It’s fine when I’m typing emails and making phone calls.”

  “I’m surprised you have the coordination for that,” I teased.

  She smirked then tossed a throw pillow at me.

  I placed it under my arm so I would be even more comfortable. “Thanks.”

  “Asshole,” she said with a repressed grin.

  I focused on the game again, doing my best not to look at her. Despite our distance, this was the best I’d felt all week. Just having her nearby eased my pain. There was something about her presence that I found innately soothing. “So, how are things with Nathan?” I didn’t know why I just sabotaged my small amount of happiness with the idiotic question. I didn’t want to listen to her tell me she was still in love with the guy.

  “They aren’t going,” she said. “I told you I’m not seeing him.”

  I wanted to believe her—more than anything in the world. “Then what was that kiss about? Why were you guys drinking together and watching the game?�
�� I did my best to keep the accusation out of my tone, but it was a struggle. I couldn’t get mad at her for spending time with other men, but I certainly didn’t appreciate being lied to.

  “His friend lives in my building, so he stopped by and asked if I wanted to get a drink.”

  And why the fuck did she say yes? “Why did you go with him?”

  She shrugged, her eyes on the TV. “I don’t know…I just did.”

  Not a good enough reason for me.

  “We were watching the game, and then he leaned in… It happened so fast.”

  “You kissed him for fifteen seconds, so it wasn’t that fast.” I knew exactly how long it lasted because I caught most of it from the front row. It definitely wasn’t a kiss she didn’t want. I could read it all over her face.

  She finally turned to me, annoyance in her eyes. “Excuse me?”

  “I just don’t appreciate being lied to. He kissed you, and you kissed him back. Don’t turn it around and make it seem like you didn’t want it.”

  “I never said that.” Her voice rose, along with her anger.

  “Sounded like it.”

  She set down her beer like she was about to storm off. “Why are you being an asshole right now?”

  “I’m not. I’m just not a big fan of lying. After everything you’ve been through, I thought you would feel the same way.”

  I hit a nerve. I could see it written across that once beautiful face. Now she looked pissed. If she had a knife, it would be in my neck right now. “Wow…that was low.”

  I felt like shit the moment I said it. I wished I could take it back.

  She got off the couch, making her dramatic exit. Her heels tapped against the hardwood floor as she headed out of there.

  I fucked up. I had to make it right. “Austen, wait.”

  “Fuck you, Ryker.” She grabbed her purse off the counter and bolted to the door.

  “Hold on.” I hopped over the couch and shut the door just as she opened it. “I’m sorry, alright? It was a dumbass thing to say.”

  She yanked on the door handle, but the door didn’t move, not with my weight pressed against it. “Then why the hell did you say it? You were nice a second ago, and then you turned into a huge bitch face.”