Ray of Life Read online

  I didn’t appreciate the insult, but I let it go. “I don’t know why I said it…” That wasn’t the whole truth, definitely an exaggerated lie.

  She crossed her arms over her chest, her eyes narrowing in hostility.

  Even when she did that, I thought she was cute. “Okay…I do know why I said it.”

  She shifted her weight to one hip as she waited.

  For better or for worse, I was gonna tell her the truth. Maybe it would just push her further away. Maybe it wouldn’t. I was about to find out. “When I saw you kiss him—”

  “He kissed me.”

  “Whatever.” It didn’t matter to me. Their lips were locked, and that was enough to make me sick. “I felt like shit. I haven’t been knocked out like that since…Rae picked Zeke over me.” I remembered that night vividly, and it was frightening how similar they were. “I’m not gonna sugarcoat it. It fucking hurt, Austen.”

  Her attitude dropped instantly, and her features softened like my words actually meant something to her.

  “You didn’t tell me you were seeing him again. It was so sudden.”

  “I wasn’t seeing him.”

  “But you were spending time with him. I thought we told each other everything? Why didn’t you mention that to me?”

  Now she looked guilty. “I don’t know… I didn’t see any reason to mention it. It didn’t mean anything to me. And I knew how you felt about him, so I didn’t want to bring it up.”

  I pressed my back against the door even though she wasn’t trying to get out anymore. “I guess I’m not handling this Nathan thing very well. You tell me you aren’t seeing him anymore, but you’re kissing him in bars…”

  “It wasn’t like that.”

  “I shouldn’t care. You’re free to do whatever you want. But it hurt. I got jealous…really jealous.”

  She stepped closer to me, her hand moving to my arm. “Well…I wasn’t happy about your date either. I was pretty upset, actually.”

  “You were?” I whispered.

  “Of course.” She stared down at the ground, her long eyelashes beautiful and thick. “I was really jealous. I felt terrible, like someone stepped on my neck so I couldn’t breathe.”

  “Yeah?” That confession shouldn’t have made me happy, but it did.

  “Yeah.”

  My fingers moved under her chin, and I lifted her gaze. “Let’s be honest with each other. Right here, right now.”

  She held my gaze, her eyes shifting back and forth to look at mine since she was standing so close to me.

  “Do you still love Nathan?”

  She closed her eyes for several seconds, thinking about her answer before she gave it. “Yes. Do you still love Rae?”

  That woman was still on my mind. I found myself wondering what she was doing, if she was thinking about me at the same time I was thinking about her. I wanted to move on and forget her for good, but I couldn’t. “Yes.” I answered her question, so now it was my turn to ask something. “Do you want to get back together with Nathan?”

  She closed her eyes again as she considered the question. “Sometimes. But when I kissed him in that bar, I thought about you. That was why I ended it…because I realized I wanted to be with you more.”

  It was a confession I didn’t expect to hear. “You want to be with me?”

  “Yes and no.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because she’s still on your mind…just how Nathan is still on my mind. These people broke both of us. I’m not sure if we could ever make it work, not when we have this kind of baggage. And then you hooked up with that woman…”

  Now I wished I hadn’t. “So, where does that leave us?”

  “I don’t know…”

  In the three months that I spent with Austen, I knew she made me happy. When I was with her, I didn’t think about Rae. But I didn’t have much to offer her. I was damaged goods. If I couldn’t put myself back together, could I put her back together?

  “If Rae wanted to be with you again, would you do it?” she asked. “If she realized she made a mistake and left her boyfriend?”

  That was a difficult question because it would never happen. Rae made up her mind and she wasn’t going to change it. She stuck to her guns. “That would never happen.”

  “But if it did.”

  “If it did…” If Rae really showed up on my doorstep and wanted to spend her life with me, I’d have a hard time turning her down. “I would take her back.” Even though that would end my relationship with Austen, I knew who I would choose.

  Austen nodded like she’d been expecting that answer. “I’m so confused about Nathan. I’ve been so heartbroken for years because I thought he was the one. I still love him and want to be with him, and I just can’t let go of the past. But I wish I could. I wish I could have the life we didn’t get the chance to have.”

  If Rae cheated on me, I’d take her back too. I knew I would. When you fell in love, you never really fell out of it. “If that’s how you really feel, you should give him another chance.” I couldn’t believe I was saying this, but I felt compelled to. Austen was my closest friend. I wanted the best for her even if that made me miserable in the process. “Because if he’s your Rae, you shouldn’t let him go.”

  “Really?” she whispered. “You really think that?”

  I nodded.

  “But I want to be with you.” She moved farther into my chest, resting her face against my pec.

  My arms circled her waist. “I want to be with you too. But I can’t offer you what he can. I don’t know if I’ll ever be over Rae. I don’t know if I’ll ever be in a place to have a life with someone. I can’t give you what you deserve.”

  She wrapped her arms around my neck and looked up into my face. “Ever?”

  I shrugged. “Maybe.”

  “So…can we still be friends?” she whispered. “Because this past week has been torture without you.”

  “It’s been torture for me too. Yes, I want to still see you. I still want to get a beer with you and watch the game. I still want to split a plate of fries with you.”

  “I do too.” When she looked up at me, her lips were slightly parted and her eyelids were heavy. She rose gently on her tiptoes so she could be closer to my lips.

  I tugged her closer to my chest and pressed my lips to hers. My lips immediately moved with her plump mouth, and my tongue dived into her mouth. It’d been a week since I had her, a week of torture. Now that we were reunited again, I didn’t want to let her go.

  I guided her to my bedroom down the hall without breaking our kiss. Our mouths moved harder together as clothes started to come off. Cheyenne was an easy lay so I was physically satisfied, but I was never emotionally happy. With Austen, all my fantasies and desires were fulfilled—a million times over.

  I got her on the foot of the bed and kicked my bottoms off. My cock was throbbing in desperate need to be inside her. I only fucked Cheyenne with a condom, so I knew I could go bareback with Austen.

  I never wanted to fuck her with a rubber.

  I moved my hands behind her knees and dragged her ass to the edge of the bed. My cock twitched in anticipation because I missed her all week. This may be the last time I got to be with her, and I was going to make it count.

  I pressed my thumb to her clitoris and rubbed her aggressively as I slipped two fingers inside her pussy. She was warm and wet like I expected. I’d never explored her in disappointment. I leaned over her and pressed my mouth against hers as I continued to work her clit, making her writhe underneath me in preparation for my hard cock. Our tongues danced together, and I breathed deeply into her mouth, my spine tensing in preparation for this beautiful woman.

  When I couldn’t wait any longer, I pulled my fingers out and stroked them along my length, lubing the head of my hard dick. My sticky fingers wrapped around the base and I pushed inside her entrance, sliding through that tight cunt I’d come to worship. I slid through her slickness until I was completely sheathed.


  I took a moment to enjoy her, pausing to concentrate on this unbelievably tight pussy. My arms locked behind her knees, and I leaned over to get a good look at her beautiful face. Her hands moved up my chest, her nails gently dragging into my skin as she moved. Her lips were parted like she wanted more of my tongue.

  Could I really walk away from this?

  She dragged her hands down my back then gripped my ass. She pulled me out then tugged me back in. “Fuck me, Ryker.”

  Jesus Christ.

  “Yes, sweetheart.” That was one of the most erotic moments of my life. I pounded into her pussy just the way she ordered—good and hard. Her slickness increased and her pussy tightened around my big cock the way it always did.

  Her hands moved to my chest then my arms, and soon her chest was sleek with sweat. It gleamed under the light from the ceiling and made her tits look gorgeous. Moans escaped her lips, that perfect mouth open and her white teeth showing.

  I stared at her tongue as I thrust into her, loving every little feature about her. I could fuck her like this every day for the rest of my life. “Sweetheart…” My body and mind combined into one entity, and my senses were heightened. All I felt were the primal sensations from my gut, the need to screw this woman and never stop. I’d never been so focused on one woman before. With the precision of a surgeon, I took her with purpose, hitting her in the right spot every time. I gripped her tit then kissed her, my tongue dancing with hers.

  “Ryker…” She said my name in the sexiest way, sounding like an angel but a naughty girl at the exact same time. “I’m already gonna come.”

  “Good. I’ll make you come again.”

  Her nails dug into me in response, and she gasped through the sensation that rocked her body. Her head rolled back and her eyes landed on the ceiling. Her screams turned into incoherent moans, a jumble of emotions that hit her at the exact same time.

  I felt like a king.

  And I wished she were my queen.

  2

  Austen

  I didn’t want to leave.

  I woke up before he did, before my alarm clock pierced the bedroom with its shrillness. His arms were wrapped around me and his chest was pressed against my back. He was just as sexy when he was asleep as when he was awake. His jaw wasn’t as hard as it usually was, and his beard was thicker than it was when we went to sleep the night before. His hair was all over the place because I dug my fingers through it so many times.

  He was perfect.

  I knew when I walked out of that apartment, I would never return as a fuck buddy or love interest. He told me he had feelings for me, something more meaningful than carnal sex, but that wasn’t enough for either one of us. He was still into Rae, and I was still into Nathan.

  Our timing was terrible.

  He said he could never give me what I deserved, and I didn’t want to settle for half of his heart. He didn’t deserve half of mine either.

  Just being friends was the best option for both of us.

  But I knew I would miss him like crazy.

  My alarm went off and shredded the silence.

  I snatched the phone and immediately turned it off, but the unsettling way it erupted in our ears couldn’t be shaken. Ryker stirred from his position, his arms tightening around me and a sigh escaping his throat. “Why do you wake up so damn early?”

  “Because I have to work—unlike some people.”

  “Then stop working.”

  “I need money for food, rent, and clothes.”

  “All those things are overrated.” He pulled me tighter against his body, his strong arms caging me in like steel. “You can live here for free. Eat my food. And we both know you don’t need clothes.”

  “I sound like a pet.”

  “A very cute pet.” He kissed my neck and smelled my hair.

  It would be impossible for me to leave now, not with this strong and sexy man asking me to stay with him. It seemed like we both wanted to forget the conversation we had the night before. I was almost tempted to change my mind about everything. “I should get going…” I didn’t want to leave after our incredible night, but I knew I had to. I’d be late for the third time this month if I didn’t get my ass in gear.

  Ryker reluctantly let me go and pulled on his sweatpants.

  After I got dressed, we met at the front door.

  Ryker ran his fingers through his messy hair and blinked his sleepy eyes. He stared at the door then released a heavy sigh, like he was dreading the next part of our morning.

  I was dreading it too. “I don’t like this either…”

  “I’m glad I’m not the only one.” He leaned against the door and placed his hands in his pockets. His abs were tight all the way down to his hips, where the large V disappeared into his pants. I loved the veins just above his cock. He was so corded and lean. I loved that beautiful body on top of mine when it was all sweaty and delicious.

  I needed to get my head out of the gutter. We could repeat everything we said the night before, but that wouldn’t make things easier. “I guess I’ll see you around…”

  “Yeah. There’s a game on Friday. Wanna watch it?”

  At least I had something to look forward to. It made this goodbye a little less painful. “Sure.” I moved for the door, not expecting a goodbye kiss that could make this more difficult.

  Ryker grabbed me by the door and yanked me toward him. “You’re still mine for the next thirty seconds.” He pressed his mouth to mine and kissed me, his tongue immediately greeting mine despite the fact neither one of us had brushed our teeth. His arms pulled me tight against him, making me feel like the only woman in the world.

  My arms circled his waist, and I clung to him desperately, missing him before I even left.

  His hand dug into my hair, and he sucked my bottom lip into his mouth. He breathed with me, those breaths filling my lungs. He breathed life back into me, making me feel something I hadn’t felt in years. I spent all my time trying to feel nothing, and he was the first man to make me feel something again.

  He reluctantly pulled away, the sadness obvious in his blue eyes. “Have a good day at work.” His mouth uttered those words, but his eyes said something else entirely. They told me all the things he couldn’t say, all the painful words I didn’t want to hear.

  “Yeah…have a good day playing Call of Duty.”

  He forced a chuckle. “I will.”

  I got the door open and walked out, not wasting any time by lingering. The situation was like a bandage. The sooner I got it off, the sooner all of this would be over. I could forget the pain and move on. It wasn’t like I loved the guy. “See you later.”

  He held on to the door and nodded. “See you later.”

  When I walked away, I didn’t look back. I didn’t want to see the sadness on his face. I may not love him, but he was certainly in my heart. He’d become my closest friend, the person I confided everything to. But he wasn’t mine to keep, and I was too broken to be put back together.

  So I kept going.

  I was just as sad that week as I was the previous week.

  I stayed home most of the time and ate everything in my fridge. I was too bummed to head to the store, so I ordered a lot of delivery, mainly greasy Chinese food because there was a place just a block from me. I could get off my ass and get it myself, but even that was too much work for someone with no motivation.

  Friday couldn’t come soon enough. I kept wanting to tell Ryker about my life throughout the week, but I realized that wouldn’t be right. Platonic friends didn’t do that, unless they were girls like Madeline, Jenn, and I. And even then, we only shared the important stuff. Madeline wouldn’t care about my piece of orange chicken that kinda looked like the state of Texas. Ryker would, but I still couldn’t interrupt his life to tell him about it.

  Had he already been with another woman by now?

  Probably.

  That chased away my appetite.

  My phone vibrated on the coffee table, and I immed
iately snatched it, hoping to see Ryker’s name on the screen.

  It was Nathan. I’m about to go for a jog. Wanna come?

  Exercise was the very last thing I wanted to do. I could barely get up when I had to pee. I usually held it as long as possible until my bladder couldn’t take anymore. It wasn’t healthy, but that’s how down I was. No thanks. Not in the mood.

  What are you in the mood for?

  Chinese food and ice cream. Nathan was a bit of a health freak, so he never had the same cravings. Ryker was the same way. He usually had chicken and vegetables for dinner, the most boring meal on the planet.

  Then let’s get Chinese food and ice cream.

  You hate that stuff.

  I don’t hate it when I’m with you.

  The only reason I didn’t roll my eyes was because he was being sincere. I’m no fun right now. Maybe next week.

  Now I really want to see you. I’ll meet you at Golden Dragon in fifteen minutes. Better not stand me up.

  I’m not kidding. I’m terrible company right now.

  And it sounds like you need a friend. I want to be that friend.

  We sat in one of the rundown booths in the corner and ate our combination plates. I had chow mein and rice, along with kung pao chicken. When we first walked in, the delivery guy talked to me like I was a regular.

  That was a little embarrassing.

  Nathan didn’t bombard me with questions right away. He ate and asked me about work and if I liked my dinner. He wore a slimming dark blue t-shirt, making his shoulders and chest look nice.

  I’d never been into two guys at the same time, and I felt a little slutty because of it. I missed Ryker and thought he was the sexiest guy on the planet, and then when I was with Nathan, I thought the exact same thing about him.

  I didn’t know that was possible.

  “What’s on your mind?” he finally asked. His grilled vegetables and chow mein were pushed to the side. He didn’t eat most of it, probably because it was greasy and fattening.

  I was grateful I was a woman. Ryker liked my curves, my round ass and belly. I wouldn’t have the discipline to eat clean and work out all the time if I were a man. I’d let myself get soft and wouldn’t think twice about it. “Ryker and I stopped seeing each other…”