All Hope Is Lost Read online

  Skye approached the playpen and checked the sides even though she just interrogated me about them. When she thought they were good enough, she set Cedric inside.

  I didn’t voice my irritation because I knew her heart was in the right place.

  Skye stood there and watched them, motherly joy spread across her face. “I could watch him all day…”

  I stood beside her and placed my arm around her waist. “Me too.”

  “I’m so glad he’s home. He should have been here a month ago.”

  I rubbed her back. “He’s here now and that’s all that matters.”

  “Can you believe how beautiful our son is?” she asked. “He’s absolutely perfect. There’s not a single thing I would change.”

  “He is perfect.”

  “He’s the cutest baby the world has ever seen.”

  “He is.”

  “We need to get pictures done so we can send them to everyone we know.”

  She was excited and happy, and that made me breathe easy. “That’s a great idea.”

  Cedric closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.

  Skye and I continued to stand there and watch him, never growing bored. Both of us could stare at him all day. We treasured him like the rarest diamond in the world. He glowed by his own light.

  Skye’s voice came out barely above a whisper. “I love him so much…”

  I kissed her temple. “I love him too.”

  ***

  “Baby, I’m not sure if he should sleep with us.”

  Skye already had Cedric in the center of the bed with the covers pulled over his feet. “He’ll be fine.”

  This issue wasn’t black and white. I knew some parents did it and others didn’t. “I think it’ll make him more dependent on us. He can sleep in his crib in his room and learn to be more independent.”

  Skye wasn’t having it. “No. He’s sleeping with us, Cayson. He’s been stuck in that glass box for a month without any human contact. If you don’t like it, you can sleep in the other room.”

  “Skye, it’s not that I don’t want to sleep with him. I’m just thinking about his best interest.”

  She changed into her nightgown then got into bed beside him. “So am I.”

  I sighed then pulled my shirt off. “What if we roll on top of him?”

  “We won’t.” She placed pillows on either side of him.

  I got into bed then set my alarm.

  Skye was snuggled against one of the pillows and she looked down at him with sleepy eyes.

  I lay beside her then watched her stare at Cedric.

  “It’s so nice sleeping in a bed,” she whispered.

  “It is.” I was used to sleeping in a chair so the bed took me a moment to get used to.

  “Good night, Cedric,” she whispered. “We’ll see you in the morning.”

  Cedric’s eyes were already closed.

  I was happy my son was finally home where he belonged. He had two parents that loved him more than anything, and our lives completely changed once he entered the world. But I was disappointed I didn’t have any alone time with Skye. I missed her. I missed holding her and kissing her.

  I missed making love.

  A month had passed without any intimacy. At the time I wasn’t thinking about it because I was so worried about Cedric. But that didn’t mean my body stopped craving it. It was our first day home so I wasn’t going to mention it but it was definitely on my mind.

  I leaned over and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “I love you.”

  “I love you too.” She cupped the back of my neck and gave me a kiss on the lips.

  I moved to Cedric and kissed him on the forehead. “ I love you, War Chief.”

  “He loves you too, Cayson.”

  ***

  The door to my office opened, and someone came in unannounced. Only one person did that, so I knew who it was. Without looking up from my computer I said, “What’s up, Slade?”

  “I need your advice.”

  I just brought my son home for the first time and now I was stuck at work. I didn’t have the heart to take on anything more. I stopped writing my email and turned to him.

  He was holding two items of clothing. They were both onesies for a newborn. “I wanted to get Cedric something now that he’s home. But I can’t decide. Do you think he’ll like the electric guitars or the dinosaurs?” He studied my face anxiously, like my response was life or death. “I don’t want to be that godfather that always gets terrible gifts. I want him to like me. So, guitars or dinosaurs?”

  I wanted to laugh at his absurdity. “Slade, he’s a month old.”

  “So, he probably doesn’t know what a dinosaur is, huh?” he said with a nod. “That’s what I was thinking too. Guitars it is.”

  I pressed my lips together so I wouldn’t laugh and hurt his feelings. “Cedric doesn’t know what either of those things are. Just pick one.”

  Slade studied each one individually. “What if I just give him both?”

  “That works.”

  “But what if that overwhelms him? He’s probably getting a ton of gifts from people.”

  “Slade, he’s a month old. He has no idea what’s going on.”

  “You don’t know that. War Chief is soaking everything in with that big brain of his. Maybe he won’t remember everything, but his brain will definitely associate images, people, and smells with emotions. When he sees me, I want his brain to associate me positively.”

  I raised an eyebrow. “Where are you getting this from?”

  He shrugged. “I may have read a few baby books…”

  “Slade, just give him both and everything will be fine.”

  “Maybe I shouldn’t get him clothes at all,” he said. “What about a toy? Something colorful?”

  “He can’t lift his own head up.”

  “Maybe some plastic keys he can chew on?”

  “He doesn’t have teeth.”

  “That’s it…” He worked his jaw as he thought of other ideas.

  “The clothes are great,” I said as I reached out my hand to take them. “I’m sure Cedric will like them.”

  “I’m not letting you give them to him,” he said. “I’m giving them to him myself. I just wanted your opinion.”

  “Why didn’t you just ask Trinity?”

  “She’s at work.”

  Now I gave him a glare. “I’m at work.”

  “But that’s different.”

  “Because she designs clothes and I protect the entire country from lethal diseases?” Slade was smart, but damn, he could be dumb.

  He was looking at the clothes and not really listening to what I said. “Yeah, sure.”

  I rubbed my temple because a migraine was coming in.

  “Do you think Cedric would like music?”

  “All humans like music.”

  “What if I played my guitar for him? Wrote him a song?”

  “I’m sure he’ll like it,” I said. “Ward Jr. does.”

  “Well, that kid is going to be a rock star. Speaking of which, are they having their wedding?”

  I’d been too busy with my son to think about it. “I don’t have a clue.”

  “They’ve been putting that off for a long time.” Slade sat in the chair facing my desk and placed the clothes in his lap.

  “Yeah, I guess.”

  “That’s so cool that War Chief has a cousin. Have they met?”

  “Not yet.”

  “Shit.” He rubbed the back of his neck.

  “What?”

  “I never got Ward Jr. any clothes.”

  He was taking this godfather role very seriously. “Ward Jr. isn’t going to remember, Slade. You can chill out.”

  Slade’s eyes darted back and forth like he was still thinking.

  “How’s Trinity’s pregnancy going?”

  That brought him back to reality. “Good. She’s not really showing yet.”

  “When she does, it’ll drive you crazy.”

  “H
ow do you mean?”

  “It’s really sexy.”

  Slade still didn’t understand. He’d have to experience it himself before he knew what I was talking about. “I already think she’s sexy. I don’t think her being pregnant is going to change anything.”

  “You’ll see what I mean.”

  “Trinity thought I would stop being attracted to her after the baby comes.” He rolled his eyes. “Something about stretch marks and being a little heavier. That woman is crazy.”

  Skye was carrying extra weight from Cedric. It was mainly in her stomach. I hadn’t seen her naked, but I knew it didn’t bother me. When you were in love, things like that didn’t matter. “It’s not a big deal.”

  “So, you and Skye are doing it like rabbits again?”

  I wish. “No, not exactly…”

  Slade cringed. “Is it all messed up down there…like super loose and stuff?”

  I wanted to chuck my stapler at him. “Dude, she’s your cousin.”

  “I’m not asking about her specifically. But does it get loose for all women? Is it going to be a huge gaping hole that flops around all the time? Like, will I feel anything after Trinity has the baby?”

  “Slade, it’ll be fine.”

  “So, it does get tight again?”

  “Well…I don’t know.” I’d never had sex with a woman who had a baby.

  “You don’t know?” Slade asked. “You haven’t had sex with Skye in a month?”

  “Well, there wasn’t much time. We were always at the hospital, and we were constantly stressed over Cedric.”

  “But what about when you came home?”

  “Cedric sleeps with us.”

  Slade nodded slowly. “So, he’s already a cock block.”

  “That’s not how I would describe him.”

  “But he is,” Slade pressed. “That sucks, man.”

  It did but I tried not to think about it.

  “If I didn’t get any from Trinity in a month my dick would explode.”

  “Well, it hasn’t gotten that bad yet.” But if I didn’t get it soon I might say something to her. “And the female body is designed to stretch and contract for childbirth. I’m sure everything will be back to normal down there.”

  “But what if it’s not…?”

  “It will, Slade.”

  “But what if—”

  “I’ll tell you when I experience it myself.”

  Slade eyed me with a fearful look. “Hopefully that happens soon so you can mellow out.”

  “I am mellow.”

  “You seem pretty high strung to me.”

  “I just have a lot on my plate right now.”

  “And it would be easier to juggle if you were getting laid…”

  I grabbed my stapler.

  “Whoa…hold on. I’m the godfather, remember? You can’t kill the godfather.”

  “Want to test that theory?”

  Slade jumped out of the chair. “Call me when your dick is happy.” When Slade reached the door he realized just how wrong that sounded. “You know, when your wife puts out.”

  ***

  When I came home that afternoon, I drove over the snow that caked the lawn and the driveway. The place was perfect for Christmas decorations but I hadn’t had a chance to put up any this year. Out here in the country there was no noise. It was peaceful and quiet.

  I parked in the driveway then walked to the front door. Before I reached it, it opened. Skye came out with Cedric in her arms. He was bundled up in a warm blanket, and she was wearing dark jeans and a sweater.

  It was like a dream.

  She smiled at me the entire time she walked to me. And when she reached me, she gave me a loving kiss on the lips. “Daddy’s home.” She held Cedric closer to me.

  The moment was almost painful because it felt so good. There was a moment in time when I thought we would never have this. She hurt me too much, betrayed me. But now I was living out my greatest dream. I came home to my loving wife and my son in her arms. The smell of dinner came through the door and made my stomach rumble with hunger.

  I kissed her back then kissed my son on the forehead. “I missed you guys today.”

  “We missed you too. Come inside and get warm.” She walked into the house then placed Cedric in the playpen. When she came back to me, she pulled my coat off and hung it on the rack. Then she placed my satchel on the table in the entryway. “We’re having meatloaf for dinner.”

  “That sounds good.”

  “Take a shower and dinner will be ready.”

  “Perfect.”

  She gave me a smile before she turned around and walked into the kitchen. I stood there for an extra moment, soaking in everything that just happened. Would she greet me like that every day when I came home? Would the house be full of this same warmth?

  Was this how the rest of my life would be? Perfect?

  ***

  “How was work?” Skye sat across from at the table. The playpen was moved to the kitchen so she could look down at Cedric anytime she heard him make a sound.

  Skye didn’t cook much when we first got together, but now that we were married she learned a few things. For instance, the meatloaf was the best I ever had. It was even better than my mom’s. “Good. I’ve been playing catch-up for the past week.”

  “Must be stressful.”

  “Jessica is pretty good at helping me. I’m giving her a nice bonus this year.”

  “You should.”

  “When I was out of the office, she took care of a lot of stuff for me. She went above and beyond and worked late hours. She never called me unless she absolutely had to. I could tell she did it out of the goodness of her heart, not to kiss my ass.”

  “I’ve only met her a few times but she seemed really nice.”

  I was grateful Skye wasn’t threatened by her. Most women would be. That Laura fiasco seemed to be behind us. Now we were strong again. There was a point in my life when I was going to walk away from her. I’m grateful that never happened. “How was your day?”

  “Great,” she said. “Cedric and I hung out all day.”

  “What did you guys do?”

  “I watched him lay there. Then he took a nap and I watched him do that. I fed him a few times, and he has the smallest mouth. It’s so cute.”

  “It’ll get bigger. You aren’t having trouble feeding him?”

  “No. He knows when he’s hungry. He usually closes his eyes while he feeds, like he’s dozing off. So adorable.” She gushed about her son like any mother. It was clear she was in love.

  “Want to have another one?” I teased.

  “Yes. Right away. I want them to be close in age just like Roland and I.”

  “But you and Roland aren’t close.”

  “I still want them to be close.”

  At least I would be getting laid.

  “But the doctor said I should wait at least three months before trying to get pregnant again. You know, give my body a rest.”

  “Yeah, that makes sense.” I admit I was a little disappointed.

  When dinner was finished, Skye cleared the table then moved Cedric to the living room. She placed him on a thin mattress and a blanket on the hardwood floor. The Christmas tree was up, and the lights twinkled like small balls of magic.

  “You put up the tree.”

  “Yeah, Cedric helped me.”

  “It looks nice.” I sat on the floor next to Cedric.

  “Thanks.” Skye sat on the other side of the mattress so I had plenty of room with Cedric. She was allowing me to hog him since I’d been at work all day.

  I lay beside him and propped my head on one arm. “What’s up, War Chief?”

  Cedric stared at me like he knew but couldn’t place me.

  “I thought about you at work today. Uncle Slade came by.”

  He listened like he understood.

  “I need to get a few pictures of you to show everyone at work. My assistant, Jessica, is really anxious to see you.”

&
nbsp; He kicked his feet slightly.

  I thought it would be weird to talk to a newborn but it wasn’t. Cedric couldn’t understand me, but we were still interacting like father and son. My hand moved to his small stomach and I felt the fabric of his onesie in my fingers. It had a blue whale on it.

  “Clementine wants to have Ward Jr. over soon,” Skye said. “I told her Cedric needs some alone time first.”

  “That’s for the best.” I moved my hand to his chest and felt it rise and fall with every breath he took.

  Skye released a deep yawn. “I didn’t get much sleep last night because Cedric needed a few feedings in the middle of the night. Do you mind if I take a nap?”

  “He woke up last night?”

  “Yeah. I fed him in his room so he wouldn’t wake you.”

  I had no idea. “You’re the one who should be resting, baby. If he wakes up in the middle of the night I’ll take care of him.”

  “No, you work all day. And I don’t mind anyway.”

  “Of course I don’t mind watching him.”

  “Great.” She pulled a bottle from a bag. “It’s full if he needs it.” She gave me a quick kiss before she went upstairs.

  I turned to Cedric, who had his eyes on me. “So, what do you want to do?”

  ***

  When it was time for bed, Skye tucked Cedric between us again. She placed a pillow on either side of him so he would be insulated from us. His eyes were already closed the second he hit the sheets.

  I loved spending time with Cedric. It was a miracle he was home with us at this very moment. But I had needs and Skye seemed oblivious to them. When Cedric was older, he would understand. “Baby, why don’t we put him in the crib for tonight?”

  “Why?” She pulled on a t-shirt and got under the covers.

  “You know, so it can be just you and I.”

  “We’re a family now, Cayson. We do everything together.”

  She didn’t understand my meaning. “Maybe we can have, like, an hour to ourselves…”

  Skye settled down with Cedric and stroke the tiny hairs on his forehead.

  Was I the only one who missed sex? Did her sex drive evaporate after giving birth? I knew that was possible. I just didn’t think it would happen to us. “Skye?”

  “Hmm?”

  I felt awkward being blunt around Cedric even though he couldn’t understand what I was saying. “It’s been a while since we…you know. I was hoping Mommy and Daddy could have some alone time.”