You Have My Heart Read online

  She stirred then pulled her hand out of mine.

  I instantly felt cold.

  “We should probably get going. I have a lot of stuff to do.” She pulled the ear bud out of her ear.

  “Yeah, me too.” I moved to the driver’s seat then headed back to the school. The radio was off and we basked in the silence. I was deep in thought, processing everything that happened.

  We reached the parking lot then pulled up to her car. “Well, thanks for getting coffee with me.”

  “Thanks for taking me.” She grabbed her bag and opened the door.

  “Beatrice?”

  “Hmm?” She turned back to me.

  “Can I have your number?” I wasn’t sure if I overstepped any boundaries but if she told me about her mom, I figured it was okay to ask for it.

  “Sure.” She pulled out her phone then texted it to me. “I guess I’ll see you later.”

  “Good night.”

  “Night.” She shut the door then got into her car. I stayed in my spot until she drove off.

  On the drive home, I kept thinking about Beatrice. She was nothing like any other girl I met. She was deep and passionate, just as beautiful on the inside as the outside. She was independent and strong, rising above her past and finding a reason to go on. I respected her before but now I respected her even more.

  I wanted to be something more, to confess my real feelings for her. Instead of acting indifferent toward her, I wanted to be real. Unfortunately, she didn’t want that. But I could still be her friend. I liked spending time with her. She was the coolest chick I ever knew. Just because we couldn’t be together romantically didn’t mean we couldn’t spend time together.

  Right?

  Chapter Ten

  Skye

  The rain had been hitting the windows for a week. The light tapping was constant background noise. I concentrated my thoughts on the sound, using it to distract my mind from the crushing darkness.

  Time had passed but I wasn’t sure how much. I sent a message to my parents telling them I wouldn’t be returning to New York and I was safe before I turned off my phone. But that was a long time ago. I couldn’t even guess how long.

  The dirty motel had become home to me. The filthy curtains hadn’t been opened since the moment I stepped inside. The TV was on in the background but the sound was off. Instead of sitting in a chair or lying on the bed, I leaned against the wall next to the boxed AC.

  I seldom ate and now my clothes hardly fit. They were practically falling off my body. I hadn’t looked in the mirror so I had no idea how I appeared. But I probably looked like a disturbed ghoul.

  I’d never hit rock bottom like this. My world had crashed, everything was burning in demonic fire, and every breath I took was painful on my lungs. Every time I thought about him, my knees became weak and I crashed to the floor. Imagining him with someone else crippled me.

  I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to go home and see the people who only reminded me of him. But I couldn’t stay in California either. Stupidly, I hoped Cayson would call me and tell me everything he did was just a horrible mistake. But he never did. When I gave up waiting, I turned my phone off. My parents would blow it up, along with the rest of my family. I just wanted silence.

  I just wanted to disappear.

  The sobs came and went, but eventually they receded. My body was dehydrated and I didn’t have anything left to give. My chest was permanently scarred from the dry heaves that overtook me every day.

  I was a skeleton. He took away everything that made me feel alive. Nothing was left but my dusty bones. Without him, there was no me. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I sat on the ground and just willed the pain to go away.

  The storm raged outside, slamming against my windows and giving me something to concentrate my thoughts on. In the midst of the noise, I heard a sound.

  Someone knocked on my door.

  I’d been locked up in this motel for so long I wasn’t sure what was real anymore. Did I imagine that? But who would it be? Too tired to respond and not caring anyway, I didn’t move from my spot on the old carpet.

  It happened again.

  Now I was certain I wasn’t imagining it. It really happened. I stared at the door, contemplating if checking through the peephole was worth the effort of me getting up. I didn’t have any energy left. I certainly didn’t have any drive.

  The door lit up as a key card was entered, and then it cracked open.

  I should have been scared. Someone was breaking into my room and invading my privacy. They might want to rob me or do something worse. But I still didn’t care.

  It opened and a man stepped inside. I only saw his slacks and shiny dress shoes. Slowly, I lifted my gaze and looked up to see a face I could never forget. His blue eyes matched mine, and the same sorrow reflected back at me. His jaw was clenched tight and he released a painful sigh from his lips.

  I looked away, not wanting to see his pity.

  He let the door close behind him then he moved to the spot beside me. He leaned his back against the wall and crossed his ankles. His hands moved into his lap. He let the silence linger. Together, we stared straight ahead and listened to the storm pelt the windows.

  I broke the silence first. “How did you find me?”

  “A PI.”

  I knew my dad would track me down eventually. It was inevitable. I’m surprised he didn’t locate me sooner.

  He fingered his wedding ring and didn’t look at me.

  I was grateful because I knew I looked like a train wreck.

  “I found you two months ago. Your mother told me to give you space. So I did.”

  That must have been difficult for him. I pulled my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around my thighs. I was wearing a dirty blouse that was covered in stains and tears. I hadn’t showered in a week so I knew I smelled horrible. My dad didn’t seem to mind.

  “Skye, it’s time to come home.” His voice was gentle.

  “Home?” I asked.

  “Yeah. Everyone misses you.”

  I didn’t have a home.

  “You don’t belong in this motel. You have a destiny to fulfill, family who wants to be with you, and so much to live for.”

  I stared straight ahead, listening to the echo of his words. “How long have I been here?”

  He glanced at me, and for a moment, his eyes bore into my face. Then he looked away. “Three months.”

  Time had no meaning when you weren’t alive.

  “It’s time to go home,” he repeated. “I’m taking you back with me.”

  I couldn’t believe so much time had passed. Even now, months later, I was still distraught over my loss. Cayson was my whole world. When I reflected on our relationship, the memories stung. Every kiss and touch left me feeling cold. Did it mean as much to him as it meant to me? How could he be with someone else so quickly? Was I that easy to get over? Did I misinterpret every aspect of our relationship?

  “Pumpkin?” My dad never raised his voice, always being gentle with me.

  I missed hearing him call me that. I missed my parents and my friends. “Yeah?”

  “I know things are hard right now, but they’ll get better. This will pass. You will smile again and you will laugh again. I promise.”

  That promise seemed so empty. How would I ever feel happiness again? How would I ever recover from this? I was so hurt but also angry at the same time.

  My dad slowly moved his hand toward mine. When I didn’t pull away, he grabbed it and held it softly. “I wish I could fix this…”

  “No one can.”

  “There’s someone else here to see you.”

  “Mom?” I blurted. My voice betrayed my desire. She always seemed to make me feel better without trying. Would her grace and warmth work this time?

  He nodded.

  “Where is she?” I felt my lip quiver.

  “Outside. You want to see her?”

  I nodded and tried not to cry.

  H
e stood up then walked outside. When he came back, my mom was behind him.

  She looked at me with sad eyes, and her lips press together in a frown. Pity was evident on her face, and for a moment, she looked like she might cry at the sight of me. “Honey…”

  “Mom.” A quiet sob came from my throat.

  She moved to the ground next to me then wrapped her arms around me. She pulled my head into her lap then stroked my hair with her fingertips.

  I closed my eyes and let the tears fall.

  Her arms formed a steel cage around me, trying to protect me from something that couldn’t be combated.

  My dad opened the door again and another person walked through. The familiar sound of heels was in my ears.

  My eyes were closed, but I didn’t need to see her to know who it was. “Trinity?”

  “I’m here, girl.” She sat beside my mom then grabbed my hand. “I’ve been so worried about you.”

  I didn’t have the strength to form a response.

  My dad sat on the other side of my mom and stroked my back.

  I tried to stop myself from crying but it was useless. My heart gave out and my lungs burned from all the screams I never released. I kept my eyes closed, hoping that would shut out the pain.

  My mom glided her fingers through my hair, trying to keep me calm. “You’re a strong woman, Skye. You’ll get through this. I know you will.”

  My mom was right about everything, but I had a feeling this time was an exception.

  The storm continued to thrash my windows while we huddled on the floor. My tears burned my face as they dripped to my lips. My family stayed silent, not knowing what to do or what to say. They each had a hold on me, reminding me I wasn’t alone in my sorrow.

  Chapter Eleven

  Cayson

  Medical school at Stanford was exactly what I thought it would be. My coursework was exhausting, and when I wasn’t studying, I was in my clinical rotation. Fortunately, being so busy helped me forget about the pain. Skye’s face swam in my mind during my dreams and fantasies, but when I was learning how to read an x-ray, she drifted away.

  I didn’t have anything to compare the feeling to, but I’d never been in such catastrophic pain. Every day was harder than the previous one. I just wanted her to call me, to ask me to take her back. I wanted her to fight for me. Every time there was a knock on the door, my heart jumped in hope Skye was on the other side.

  She never was.

  As the months passed, the pain only became more intense. When I entered the third month, I wondered what was wrong with me. I should be getting better, not worse.

  Then the anger started to come out.

  How could she do that to me? I didn’t give a damn if she was drunk. How could she fuck some other guy? What about all that talk about marriage and a happily ever after? Was that just a meaningless conversation like the kind you had when you ran into an old friend? You talked about plans of meeting up even though they would never happen?

  I’d done everything for her. I was the perfect boyfriend. There was nothing I wouldn’t give her. All she had to do was ask. Memories of our time together flooded my mind at the most random times. I remembered the feel of her lips against mine, and in my darkest hour, I remembered our nights in bed together. Even now, I still wanted her. I hated her. But I wanted her.

  Ugh, what was wrong with me?

  The anger intensified when she didn’t call. She didn’t check on me once. It was like she just dropped me and moved on without another thought. Was I that easy to get over? Did our relationship mean squat to her?

  I hated her. I fucking hated her.

  She ruined me. All that time together meant nothing. Now it was in the past, just a memory. I analyzed every aspect of our relationship and wondered if she had ever really been happy with me. What did I do to mess it up? What did I do to make her hurt me like that?

  I wanted to punch my fist into a wall. I wanted to kill someone. I started to get so angry that I didn’t know how to channel it. I started running at night, hoping someone would try to mug me just so I had a reason to flip the hell out.

  I was quiet in class and didn’t socialize very often. The only friend I had was Mitchell, but I couldn’t really count him. We didn’t talk much when we were at the apartment. We were hardly there because we were both busy with school. And when we were home together, I was usually in my room. Occasionally, I heard him bring girls over, sometimes two at a time.

  I just wanted to drown and suffocate to death. The pain was excruciating.

  When will it end?

  ***

  I made a sandwich in the kitchen while Mitchell watched TV in the living room. He was drinking a beer while his face was glued to the screen.

  I searched for a bag of chips then tossed it on my plate.

  “Raiders are actually winning. That’s a miracle.” Mitchell rested his feet on the coffee table.

  I didn’t watch football anymore. It reminded me of Skye. I grabbed my lunch and headed back to my room.

  “Get your ass back here.”

  I stilled then turned around, wondering what his problem was.

  He pulled his feet off the coffee table then leaned forward. “I’ve been patient with you for three months but I’m getting sick of your self-pity fest.” He snapped his fingers then pointed to the seat beside him. “Sit.”

  I was too depressed to argue. I sat down and put the plate on the coffee table.

  “Dude, snap out of it.”

  I ran my fingers through my messy hair, sighing as I did it.

  “Chicks come and go. There’s no reason you should be acting like this. Moping around and feeling sorry for yourself won’t get you anywhere. You’re just prolonging the pain.”

  “It’s not so simple…”

  He tapped my shoulder in a friendly way. “Tell me.”

  I didn’t talk about this stuff with anyone besides Slade. Mitchell was cool but we weren’t close. “I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.” I rose to my feet.

  He grabbed my shoulder and pushed me down again. “No, we’re going to do this. Now spill it. Why are you so distraught over this girl? What happened?”

  I pressed my palms together and stared at my joined hands. “She was the one…”

  He rolled his eyes. “They are all the one.”

  “But she really was. I’ve wanted her my whole life, and when I finally got her, she broke my heart.”

  His eyes bored into the side of my face. “She cheated on you, huh?”

  I didn’t want to admit it out loud. Every time I thought about her kissing or touching someone, it shattered my heart all over again. I was sick to my stomach and had the urge to vomit. Instead of responding verbally, I just nodded.

  “Then she’s a bitch,” he snapped. “She isn’t worth being depressed over. You’re too good for her and you need to move on.”

  “Believe me, I’m trying.”

  “You aren’t trying hard enough. I got a ton of hot girl friends who would be more than happy to ride you all night long. I’ll call them up and—”

  “No,” I said immediately. “I’m not ready…”

  “You got to get back on the horse sometime.”

  In a twisted way, I felt like I was cheating on Skye.

  He grabbed my shoulder and shook me. “Snap out of it, man. You’re better than her. You shouldn’t be carrying a vigil like this for her.”

  My resistance was becoming weaker by the second. “She hasn’t even called me…not once.”

  Mitchell stared at the TV and fell silent.

  “It’s like she doesn’t care about me.”

  “Because she doesn’t,” he whispered.

  “We were going to get married…she said she wanted to marry me. Then she got drunk and fucked some guy at a party. It’s worse than if she had a relationship with some other guy behind my back. She threw away what we had, something so perfect and beautiful for…a midnight fuck she can hardly remember.” I breathed hard, fighting my
body from giving out on me. “It hurts a million times worse.”

  He nodded in agreement but kept his silence.

  I covered my face and sighed. “But I still love her… I want her back. I want what we had. Everything was perfect.” I took another deep breath. “God, I’m pathetic.”

  “You are.” He didn’t give me any sympathy. “Cayson, this girl fucked some other guy, as in, let some guy stick his cock in her pussy over and over. And—”

  I held up my hand. “Stop.” I was going to be sick.

  “No,” he snapped. “You need to hear it. You need to face the music. You need to understand what she did and stop remembering all the good times you had. All that was void he moment she let some random dude fuck her. Cayson, it’s time to move on. It’s been three months. Shit, you should be over her by now.”

  I shook my head. “I guess…I’m hoping this is all just a terrible nightmare. I can’t imagine spending my life with anyone else. She was it. I’ll never love anyone like that for as long as I live.”

  “Who said you have to spend your life with anyone?” he demanded. “Go out and get laid. Being single is the best thing in the damn world. Come on, we’re both good-looking bros, we’re going to be doctors, and we’re both going to be rich. The chicks practically throw themselves at me. Just go out and enjoy it.”

  “I’ve never been like that. I’m a one-woman kind of guy.”

  “And where did that get you?” He stared me down.

  I looked away.

  “Look at you. You’re a damn mess. Were the good times with this girl really worth what you feel now?”

  I kept replaying our relationship in my mind, wondering where everything went wrong. Did she ever love me? Was she just lying to me? Every time I thought about it, I wanted to strangle someone. I was furious and out of control.

  “I wish I’d never loved her.” The words echoed in my mind long after I said them. “We should have just stayed friends. I never should have gone down this path. I was stupid for ever letting it happen.”

  “There you go.” He clapped my shoulder.

  “You’re right. This is stupid. I’m mourning someone who doesn’t give a damn about me. She’s probably enjoying her life in the city, not thinking twice about me. She’s probably slept with so many guys since I left. She doesn’t mourn me so why am I mourning her?”