To Love Again Read online

  She nodded, her eyes wet.

  “I’ll be right back.” I continued to speak to him even though I wasn’t sure if he could hear me through the glass. After I left the room, I removed the suit then headed to the labor and delivery department. My cheeks were stained with tears but I didn’t care if anyone saw. People passed me in the hallway but I hardly noticed them.

  When I got to the labor and delivery department, I asked the nurse for Skye’s room. She took me there but didn’t enter the room. She walked away and got back to work. I slowly walked inside just in case she was still asleep.

  Skye was sitting upright in bed, her eyes distant and cold. Her hair was a mess and she looked weak, like she hadn’t eaten in weeks.

  Seeing her like that killed me.

  It was my job to make sure things like this didn’t happen, but I failed. I slowly approached her bed, and the sound of my footsteps caught her attention. She slowly turned her gaze on me, and when our eyes met her face immediately contorted in an image of pure grief.

  “My baby…” Instantly, she started to sob. Her hands covered her face and she heaved like she couldn’t breathe.

  I sat at the edge of the bed and wrapped my arms around her. My chin rested on her head and I listened to my wife cry. The sound was so agonizing that I started to cry too.

  “Our son…I woke up and they told me what happened.”

  I stroked her hair even though I knew it wouldn’t change anything.

  She continued to cry her soul out.

  “I visited him before I came here…he’s beautiful.”

  She stopped crying and looked up at me, her tears on pause. “You saw him…?”

  I nodded. “I was there for a few hours before I came here. I had to see him…to check on him.”

  “What’s he like?” She sniffed loudly. “What does he look like? How is he?” She searched my face like my expression would give her an answer.

  “He’s…small.” He was tiny, actually. “He could fit in the palm of my hand if I were allowed to hold him. He has ten fingers and ten toes. He was asleep when I visited him. He’s just…beautiful.” I felt terrible that I got to see our son before she did. She spent so much time carrying him that she deserved that first moment. It didn’t feel right taking it from her.

  “What did the doctor say?”

  Now comes the hard part. “He’s struggling to breathe on his own…he’s just too weak. They have him on a ventilator for now. His immune system is non-existent so he’s in a glass box where the air is sterile. I couldn’t touch him except through a glove.”

  “Is he going to be okay? Is he going to get stronger?”

  I wanted to lie and tell her everything would be okay. But I couldn’t do that. “The doctor doesn’t know. They’ll need to keep him for a few weeks until he gets better. He’s really critical right now.”

  She nodded slowly then her bottom lip began to tremble. “I must have done something wrong…ate too much…I don’t know.”

  “Skye, it’s not your fault. Sometimes things like this happen.” And it was my fault. I stressed her out unreasonably and put her through so much pain.

  “I don’t know why he wanted to leave so early…I thought I made a good home for him.”

  “You did.” I kept my arm around her shoulders. “Like I said, these things are out of our control.”

  “I want to see him,” she said. “I want to talk to him and tell him I’m here…”

  “You can when you get better.”

  “I am better.”

  “Skye, you lost a lot of blood and you’re still weak. They need to keep you for a few days until you’re back to normal. Then you can see him all you want.”

  She started to breathe hard again like what I asked her was impossible. “What kind of mother would I be if I stayed here?”

  “There’s nothing you can do anyway. The doctors are doing everything they can.”

  “Where is everyone?” she asked. “The family?”

  “They’re all in the waiting room. Only two people are allowed back here, so your mom is with—” I realized then that we hadn’t named him yet. “With our son.”

  “She is?”

  “Yeah.”

  “She must be so scared…”

  “We all are, Skye.”

  “Cayson, I want you to leave.”

  Did I say the wrong thing? Did I fuck this up again? “What?”

  “I want you to go be with our son. He should be with his father since I can’t be there. Watch him and talk to him. Make sure he knows you’re there and he’s not alone.”

  I couldn’t deny her request. “Okay.”

  “Tell me any news you hear,” she said. “No matter how insignificant it is. I need to know.”

  “I will.”

  She wiped her eyes with the back of her forearm. “I’ll talk to you later.”

  “Are you sure you’re going to be alright?” I stroked her hair again.

  “I’ll be fine.”

  “Want me to send someone in here?” I asked. “They are all waiting.”

  “Send my dad in. Just him.”

  “Okay.” I kissed her forehead. “I love you.”

  “I love you too…”

  I cupped her face and looked her in the eye. “He’s going to be okay, Skye. In a few weeks we’ll take him home. He’ll be back for his first Christmas.”

  She closed her eyes and tried to fight the oncoming tears.

  “He will.”

  She finally nodded. “He will.”

  After another kiss I left her room and returned to the waiting area. Instantly, everyone jumped to their feet and crowded me.

  “What’s going on?” Slade asked. “How’s the baby?”

  “How’s Skye?” Sean asked.

  “Is our grandson going to be okay?” Mom asked while new tears rolled down her cheeks.

  “The baby is in the NICU. He’s asleep.” That was all I had to say about him. “And Skye is doing well. She’s awake and talking.”

  Everyone looked relieved at that part.

  “Can we see her?” Trinity asked.

  “Um…she wants to see her father first.” I looked at Sean.

  Sean didn’t react noticeably, but there was a swell of emotion in his eyes.

  “I’m going to stay with the baby. Skye is in labor and delivery.”

  “Okay.” Sean spoke quietly, like he wasn’t sure of himself. “I’ll find her.”

  I turned to the others. “We’re going to be here for a few weeks. There’s no reason for everyone to stay and wait for news. I’ll call the second something develops.”

  Like I expected, nobody moved.

  I didn’t say another word as I headed back to the NICU. When I finally got there and put on my suit, Scarlet was still there. She was sitting on a stool in front of the glass and looking down at him.

  I took the place next to her and stared at my son.

  “How is she?” Scarlet asked without taking her eyes off her grandson.

  “She’s good,” I said. “She’s awake and her vitals look normal. She just needs to rest for a few days then they’ll release her.”

  “Good,” she whispered.

  “She asked me to stay with the baby.” I didn’t want her to think I was abandoning my wife while she was stuck in a hospital bed. We both knew I needed to be here, watching over the child we made together.

  “It’s exactly where you should be.” Never once did she look at me.

  In silence, we stared into the glass box and watched the small boy lay there. His chest rose slightly every time the ventilator pumped air into his lungs. He didn’t move or kick. He just lay there, completely helpless.

  “Do you have a name?” she asked.

  “No.” It was hard to give a name to a baby when you weren’t sure if he would live long enough to carry it. I didn’t want to jinx the situation.

  “You should.”

  “Yeah?” I turned to her.

  One hand was
inside the glove that extended to his foot. “He’s going to make it, Cayson. He’s got Preston blood. Prestons are strong. Prestons survive. He may look weak in that glass box, but I assure you he has strength deep down in there.”

  I nodded. “I hope you’re right.”

  “I am right, Cayson. Trust me on that.”

  I wanted to take her word for it. I wanted my son to come home with us and be loved every single day of his life. I wanted him to have his first Christmas with tons of presents that he wouldn’t even remember. I wanted to show him off to anyone who would listen. I was a father, and now I needed my son.

  Chapter Eight

  Skye

  I didn’t turn on the TV even though the nurse said there was cable. I didn’t ask for food or take anything they brought. All I did was lie in bed and think about my little boy.

  Please make it.

  I needed to hold him and feel his faint pulse. I needed to look into his eyes and see his soul. Cayson and I didn’t deserve to be in such agony, and neither did my son.

  He should be home—with us.

  It was hard not to cry. My hormones were already out of whack after giving birth, and now my emotions were even worse. I never even got to hold him when he came out because I was unconscious.

  I wanted my baby.

  Someone entered my room but I didn’t look at them. I assumed it was a nurse to check my blood pressure. But when they came closer I realized it was someone else entirely.

  Dad looked at me with a grim expression, like he didn’t know what to say. The situation was too painful, too tense for him to think of magic words. He sat at the edge of the bed and grabbed my hand.

  I stared at him and tried not to burst into tears. My parents lost their first child, and they said it was something they never truly recovered from. They still thought about the child they lost even though so many years had passed. I couldn’t even imagine that kind of pain. Right now, my son was fighting to exist. What if he didn’t make it? How would I ever go on? When he was in my stomach I couldn’t see him or talk to him. But I knew him so well. I knew he hated spicy food because he always kicked when I ate it. He loved listening to Taylor Swift, because every time I played the music he made rhythmic kicks. Without sharing a single word, I knew him. I knew he was strong like Cayson, and I knew he was heartfelt like me.

  Dad brushed his thumb along my knuckles and his breathing was deep and rugged, like he was trying not to cry. “I’m so sorry you have to go through this, pumpkin. You don’t deserve it.”

  “I know…”

  His eyes watered but the tears didn’t fall.

  “Cayson said he’s beautiful.”

  “I’m sure he is,” Dad whispered. “If he looks anything like you and Cayson he’ll be perfect.”

  “I love him so much…even though I don’t know him.”

  “I know…”

  “He was inside me for so long and now he’s not here…I feel lost.”

  “He’s going to be okay, Skye. He will.”

  “But there’s no guarantee.”

  “But he will,” Dad said firmly. “Don’t grieve just yet. Modern medicine is advanced and mind-blowing. You have the best medical care possible. I made sure of it.”

  This was the one time I didn’t mind Dad’s interference with his money and connections. “Yeah?”

  He nodded. “I made a few calls. He’ll get the best physicians and the best treatment in the country.”

  “Thank you…” My eyes watered at the gesture. I never wanted any special treatment because of my family’s money or connections. But this was the one time I didn’t care about being selfish. I needed my son to be okay.

  “You don’t need to thank me. That’s my baby in there too.”

  “I won’t go on if he doesn’t make it, Dad. I mean that. I just can’t…”

  “Don’t think like that,” he said gently. “He’ll make it. Babies as premature as six months make it. He has a good chance.”

  “You aren’t a doctor…”

  “No. But I know what kind of family he comes from. Prestons never give up, and neither do the Thompsons. Don’t lose your faith, Skye. Don’t give into the fear. Hope for the best and make it happen.”

  “Easy for you to say…”

  “I’ve lost a lot, Skye. Don’t forget that.”

  I averted my gaze in shame. “That’s not what I meant…”

  Dad let it slide, probably under the circumstance. “Your mother and I are here if you need anything. Just let me know what it is and I’ll make it happen.”

  Too bad that didn’t apply to one thing in particular. “Thank you.”

  “Everyone is in the waiting room. They are eager to see you.”

  I wasn’t sure if I was up to greeting everyone.

  Dad read my mind. “They would understand if you wanted to be alone right now. But they’ll also respect your sadness at this time if they did come in here. Remember who we’re talking about.”

  “Maybe send in a few at a time…not all at once.”

  “Sure,” he said. “Who do you want to see first?”

  I wasn’t sure. They were all equal. “Trinity.”

  “Sure thing.” He kissed the top of my hand. “I’ll bring her in.”

  “Thanks, Dad. For everything…”

  He gave me a ghost of a smile before he kissed my forehead. “I’ll always be here, pumpkin. Even when you can’t see me.”

  Chapter Nine

  Cayson

  Five days had passed and my son didn’t show any signs of improving. He remained exactly the same. The ventilator fed him oxygen, and a machine provided adequate nutrition. Sometimes he moved, kicking his legs or moving his fingers. When he did this, I felt a jolt of adrenaline.

  I hardly left his side for any reason. I slept in the chair in the room, and I kept eating in the cafeteria even though the food was pretty mediocre. Occasionally, I went home and showered. But I only did that when I was really gross.

  I didn’t see Skye very much. I loved her with all my heart but I knew she would be okay. I didn’t need to wait by her bedside and hold her hand because there were a dozen other people who could do that in my stead. My place was here, watching over our son while hardly blinking.

  I sat in the chair and stared into the glass when someone entered the room.

  “Is this okay?”

  I turned around and saw Slade dressed up in his sterile gear. “Yeah, come in.”

  He slowly approached the glass then looked down. He watched my son with an unreadable expression. Entranced, he just stared. Then he placed his hand on the box and listened to the ventilator as it worked nonstop. “He’s so little…”

  “I know…he’s five pounds.”

  “Wow…” He didn’t look at me. “How’s he doing?”

  “About the same.”

  Slade took the seat beside me and kept staring at my baby. “He’s going to be okay, Cayson. If he’s made it this far he’ll be fine.”

  “I hope so.”

  He turned to me then extended his hand.

  I eyed it because I didn’t know what he wanted.

  Then he took it in his and closed his eyes. “Heavenly father, please watch over—”

  “Slade?”

  “Hmm?” He opened his eyes and looked at me.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Praying.” He said it with a straight face.

  “You’re an atheist.”

  “I know,” he said. “But it doesn’t hurt, right?”

  It was the first time I smiled in a week. I gripped his hand tighter, and we prayed together.

  ***

  “How’s Skye doing?”

  “Good,” Slade said. “Trinity is stuck to her like glue so she’s never alone.”

  I knew everyone would be stuck to her like glue.

  “I think she’s being released today,” Slade said. “Which is good because I know she’s eager to see the baby.”

  “Yeah.” But I kne
w it would break her heart to see him like this. He wasn’t wrapped up in a blue blanket wailing at the top of his lungs. He was confined to a glass prison as he tried to stay alive.

  The nurse came over and checked the monitor. “Do we have a name yet?”

  “Uh…” I hadn’t thought about it. “No, not yet. I haven’t seen my wife much.”

  “Well, we need to get one soon,” she said. “For the birth certificate.” She asked me this a few times and I always gave her the same answer. But I knew I was running out of time.

  “Okay.”

  She walked away and left us alone again.

  “Have any ideas?” Slade asked.

  “A few.”

  “What are they?”

  “Cornelius, Sawyer, Connor…”

  “Cool,” he said. “Those are nice.”

  “Skye wasn’t in love with them. I’ll have to ask her about this…if she’s up for it.”

  Slade nodded. “This baby deserves a good name. After everything he’s been through, it should be really awesome.”

  I nodded.

  Slade’s phone vibrated with a text message. He pulled it out of his pocket and read it. “Trinity says Skye has just been released.”

  “Good.” At least she was well enough to leave the hospital.

  “And she’s coming here now.”

  I already knew this would be her first visit. I leaned toward the box. “Mommy is coming…she’s excited to meet you.”

  Slade didn’t make fun of me for talking to my son, who didn’t understand a word I said. “For what it’s worth, he’s a cute baby. You guys did a good job.”

  “Thanks…”

  He smiled then stood up. “I guess I should go. You know, the two person policy.”

  “Yeah, you probably should.” Nothing was going to keep Skye away from here.

  The door opened, and Skye immediately walked inside in her sterile suit.

  “How the hell did you get here so fast?” Slade blurted.

  Skye acted like she didn’t hear a word he said. She immediately headed to the box and looked down at our son. Both of her hands were pressed to the glass, and her nose was too.

  Slade held his silence and didn’t move.