All Hope Is Lost Read online

  She gently rocked Cedric from side-to-side. “She’s not giving up, is she?”

  I shook my head. “No.”

  “Even against all odds, she still fights. I guess I hate her a little less…”

  “You’re the only one,” I said. “When Trinity saw her, I really thought she might kill Lexie.”

  Skye laughed. “Your sister has it out for that girl. I actually feel bad for Lexie.”

  “I do too. A little.”

  Cedric fell asleep in her arms, his lips slightly parted.

  “Even when he’s asleep he’s cute.”

  “I know.” Skye smiled anytime Cedric was mentioned. She stared down at the child in her arms, beaming and proud.

  “You’re going to be a great mother, Skye.”

  Her expression lit up even more. “Thank you, Conrad.”

  ***

  Apollo and I went for a run around Central Park. Sometimes I ran into Carrie and sometimes I didn’t. While I wanted to talk to her, I tried not to contact her that much. While she let me go freely I knew it wasn’t easy for her. She still had feelings for me, even if she wouldn’t admit it. She didn’t love me, but she was certainly fond of me.

  When I came back to my apartment Lexie was standing outside. I suspected her to make an appearance soon since I hadn’t heard from her. She knew when I’d had too much of her and I needed space. And she also knew when I was ready to talk again, like a sixth sense.

  Lexie glanced at Apollo. “Hey, boy.”

  Apollo bent his ears back. He didn’t growl but he didn’t sniff her hand like he did to everyone else.

  Lexie sighed then turned to me. “Had a nice run?”

  “The air is freezing so it felt nice.”

  She chuckled. “You and I have very different definitions of nice.”

  I noticed she didn’t have a tray of food like she usually did. I unlocked the door then walked inside, Lexie behind me. Apollo’s leash was undone, and he immediately darted to his water bowl.

  Lexie wore a red pea coat, and her hands were dug deep into her pockets. A gray beanie was on her head, and her blonde hair was in two pigtails.

  She looked cute.

  And that irritated me.

  She wore dark skinny jeans and thigh-high black boots. She looked like the front page of the winter collection for Macy’s. “How was your day?”

  I grabbed water and downed it. When I was finished I set the bottle down. “Good. I got to hold Cedric today.”

  “Really?” Her eyes glowed against the fog that constantly hovered there. “That’s so great. That means he’s better, right?”

  I couldn’t stop my smile. “He’s gonna be okay. He should go home in a few days.”

  “Awe…that’s wonderful.” Both of her hands moved to her chest. “Skye and Cayson must be thrilled.”

  “They’re over the moon.”

  “I’m glad everything is okay. What a horrible thing for everyone to go through, especially Cedric.”

  “He’s a happy baby. And we call him War Chief for a reason.”

  “What a perfect name. Almost better than Apollo.”

  Apollo immediately turned her way and bared his teeth.

  Lexie stiffened like he might pounce on her.

  “Apollo, knock it off.” I never had to tell Apollo what to do, but when it came to Lexie he was out of control. His instincts took over, and he detected danger when she was near.

  Maybe I should heed his warning.

  “It’s okay,” Lexie said. “I provoked him.”

  “He wouldn’t hurt you so don’t be afraid of him.”

  “I’m sure…” She didn’t believe a word I said.

  “What brings you here?” She didn’t have dinner so I didn’t know what excuse she could make.

  “I thought you might want to get something to eat. There’s this Thai place just a block over.” She held her hands together in front of her stomach. She fidgeted in silence, clearly fearing my rejection.

  Anytime she invited me on a date I immediately pulled away. It was too much. Too intimate. All I could think about was the way she left me in that restaurant as the ring sat in my hand. The idea of being with her again only reminded me of my life when she left. Pain rushed into my stomach, and everything began to hurt.

  Lexie stared at me as she waited for her answer, but the longer the silence rang the more she understood she wouldn’t be getting a response—at least the one she wanted. “How about a hotdog instead? There’s a cart right downstairs. We can take a walk—with Apollo.”

  That was more reasonable. It was just food from a cart—no commitment. My walls were still up and she couldn’t penetrate the steel armor I wore. And I wasn’t alone. Apollo would be there. “Sure.”

  Lexie breathed a sigh of relief at my response. “Cool.”

  After I showered and changed, the three of us went downstairs. The cart was near the street, and we ordered our food before we started walking. Apollo’s leash was shoved into my pocket, and he stayed by my side like always.

  Lexie ate her food without getting anything on her face, just like always. “How was work?”

  “The same as every day.”

  “Did you have a meeting?”

  “Over the phone with our London office.”

  “What do you do about the time difference?”

  “Nothing,” I answered. “They wake up and take my call.”

  She drank her lemonade then kept eating.

  “What about you?”

  “Work was fine. Nothing interesting happened.”

  I thought about that guy who barged into her apartment. She hadn’t mentioned him since our last fight. In the back of my mind, I wondered if he was still in the picture. Was he calling her? Did he stop by her apartment? I wanted to ask, but I also didn’t want to ask at the same time. If I put myself out there and showed my emotions, I would risk my vulnerability. My frame was still cracked and could easily crumble if I weren’t careful. “Any new clients?”

  “I have one couple. But the others are the same.”

  “Did you do anything last weekend?” That was my discreet away of asking about whatever-the-hell-his-name-is.

  “I stayed in and learned to knit.”

  “You taught yourself how to knit?” I asked in surprise.

  “Well, YouTube did. I can’t take all the credit.” She finished her hot dog and tossed the wrapper in the trash.

  “Have you made any progress?”

  “I tried to make a quilt but it didn’t turn out right. I think I need more practice.”

  “You’ll get there.”

  “What did you do?”

  After I finished my food, I tossed the waste in the garbage. “Nothing.”

  “You and Carrie didn’t do anything?” There was no jealousy in her tone.

  “No.”

  She nodded and didn’t ask any more questions.

  The curiosity was killing me. I had to know if she was still running into him. The smart thing to do was remain quiet but I couldn’t. “That asshole still around?” I knew I shouldn’t have said it like that but my emotions got the best of me.

  Lexie knew whom I was referring to. “No. I haven’t heard from him. I’m pretty sure you scared him off. Thanks for that, by the way.”

  That little bitch better stay away from her. “No problem.”

  “I’ve been hanging out with my mom. I helped her make a pie for a contest she was in.”

  “That sounds nice.” The idea of Lexie and her mom cooking in the kitchen made me warm. I missed spending time with her family—even Macy. It reminded me of better times, when Lexie and I were happy.

  “It was.”

  “Did she win?”

  “Of course she did,” Lexie said proudly. “My mom is the best.”

  My lips turned up in a smile, and it reached all the way down to my heart. Times likes this, when we just existed together, were times when I thought we could forget the past and move on. “She’s pretty bad
ass.”

  “Now you know where I get it from.”

  “You’re badass too.”

  “Thanks.” She gave me a cheeky smile.

  My heart started to ache, and that’s when I knew this wasn’t smart. I was falling for her all over again, just the way I had a million times before. What was it about this girl? I loved Beatrice but I eventually walked away from her. Why couldn’t I walk away from Lexie?

  “I haven’t heard from my dad.” Her tone darkened. “He’s still in the honeymoon stage with his new wife.”

  The bitterness in her voice hit me right in the chest. “I’m sorry.”

  “I am too. I know he’ll regret it someday. And I won’t be there to forgive him when he does.”

  Should I forgive her?

  “Mom is doing better. I just hope she keeps doing better. She doesn’t need him anyway.”

  “She’s a strong woman. She’ll make it on her own.”

  “Damn right she will.” Lexie shoved her hands in her pockets to stay warm.

  I did the same. “How about I walk you home while we’re out?”

  Lexie didn’t object. “Sure. I’m pretty close by anyway.” She hid it well, but there was a tone of disappointment in her voice.

  Apollo and I walked her to her building and we stopped when we reached the outside. I didn’t offer to walk her to her door because I didn’t trust myself. I wanted to lay in that warm bed with her, feel her body wrapped around mine.

  But I knew that would be too much. “Good night, Lexie.”

  “Good night, Con.” She didn’t invite me up. She gave me a final smile before she got the door unlocked.

  Then she walked inside without looking back.

  ***

  Roland set the beer on the coffee table in my living room.

  “Have you guys planned anything?” I asked. “You know, wedding wise?”

  “No,” he said quickly. “With Cedric so sick we haven’t done anything. Honestly, neither one of us have thought about it much.”

  “Makes sense.”

  “But it sounds like he’s going to come home soon. That’s exciting.”

  “Very.”

  He took a drink of his beer before he set it down. “Is it just me or is that baby exceptionally cute?”

  I grinned. “He is cute.”

  “I can’t believe it. My sister is a troll.”

  “Well, Cedric looks like Cayson.”

  “Thank god,” he said with a laugh.

  “Has Heath met him?”

  “He’s seen him through glass but he hasn’t had a chance to hold him yet.”

  “He’ll get his turn,” I said. “What’s Heath doing now?”

  “He had to stay late at the office.” He glanced at the shiny watch on his wrist. “But he’s probably showering right now.”

  “Tell him to come by.”

  “I will.” He pulled out his phone and typed a message.

  Hanging out with Roland and Heath didn’t feel like an awkward third-wheel situation. It was more similar to a group of friends hanging out. That was the nice thing about their relationship. I felt like I was getting another friend.

  “So…there was something I wanted to ask you before Heath gets here.”

  I knew what it was. I’d been waiting for this since they got engaged. My body tensed slightly in preparation. Roland and I had been best friends since we could talk. While we weren’t stuck like glue anymore, he was still the guy I turned to for everything.

  Roland set his beer down then cleared his throat. “We’ve been friends since…forever. You were there when I pissed all over Mrs. Ontario’s desk.”

  I laughed at the memory. “I’ll never forget that.”

  “You were there for the good times and the bad times. And you were there when I realized I was gay. You never looked at me differently or judged me. Like nothing had changed, you just accepted me.”

  “Because nothing had changed, Ro.” What he did in the privacy of his bedroom didn’t matter before Heath. It didn’t matter now.

  “Anyway…I want you to be my best man.” He looked at me with moist eyes. “You know, if you want.”

  A slow smile stretched my lips. “If I want?”

  He shrugged. “Maybe you’re busy or something…”

  “Shut the hell up.” I laughed as I moved to the spot beside him on the couch. “It would be the greatest honor, Ro. You’re my best friend, and there’s nowhere I’d rather stand than right beside you.” I wrapped my arm around his shoulders.

  Roland smiled. “I thought that would be your answer.”

  I patted him on the back before I dropped my embrace. “But does this mean we have to see male strippers for the bachelor party? Because we’ll do it but…don’t expect us to enjoy it.”

  Roland laughed. “No, I wouldn’t want to do that anyway. Maybe we can go fishing or something.”

  “Fishing is cool.”

  We sat beside each other, enjoying the moment of camaraderie and closeness. Right now, I felt alone in the world. Lexie was there, but she was a partial ghost. But my relationship with Roland reminded me that I would never really be alone. I always had him.

  A knock on the door made us both flinch.

  “That must be Heath.” Roland left the couch and headed to the door.

  I hoped it was Heath and not someone else.

  When Roland opened the door, Heath was on the other side. “Hey, you made it here quick.”

  “Took a cab.” Heath cupped Roland’s face and gave him a quick kiss before he entered the living room. “Hey, Con.” He greeted me with a handshake before he sat down. “How’s it going?”

  “Good,” I said. “Roland just asked me to be his best man.”

  “Great,” Heath said. “He was actually nervous about it.” He rolled his eyes. “I couldn’t tell you why.”

  “He’s a dork,” I said. “That’s why.”

  Roland sat on the other couch. “When did this turn into a bashing session?”

  “Conrad is your best friend,” Heath said. “I’m supposed to talk shit about you with him.”

  “Says who?” Roland demanded.

  Heath shrugged. “Me?”

  Roland rolled his eyes.

  “You want a beer, man?” I asked as I headed to the refrigerator.

  “Sure,” Heath said. “Thanks.”

  Apollo walked to Roland then rested his chin on his thigh.

  “Hey, Apollo.” Roland scratched him behind the ears. “How’s it going?”

  Apollo released a quiet whine.

  “What a cool dog,” Heath said. “And a cool name.”

  I handed Heath the beer before I sat down. “He’s great. It’s hard to picture my life when he wasn’t around.”

  Apollo returned to his spot on the living room floor. He rested his chin on his paws and watched us.

  “He looks ferocious,” Heath said.

  “No,” Roland said quickly. “He doesn’t even bark. That dog wouldn’t hurt a fly.”

  “He hates Lexie.” I blurted that out without thinking.

  Both of them turned toward me.

  I drank my beer to mask the tension.

  “Did he bite her face off?” Roland asked hopefully.

  “No,” I answered. “He just growls at her a lot.”

  “Smart dog,” Heath said.

  “So…you’ve been spending time with her?” Roland asked. He walked on eggshells around the topic.

  “I see her every now and then,” I answered. “But that’s it.”

  “Are you guys getting back together?” Heath asked.

  “No,” I said quickly. “I don’t know…I’m not sure right now. I tried moving for three months and that didn’t get me anywhere. I’m doomed, unfortunately.”

  “Carrie was nice,” Roland said. “And pretty.”

  “She is,” I said in agreement. “But…there’s nothing there.” I knew Roland and Heath didn’t like Lexie, just like everyone else. I couldn’t blame t
hem. I was still livid with Lexie for what she did to me. If I couldn’t get over it, I couldn’t expect them to.

  “And you think spending time with Lexie is the answer?” Roland asked.

  Heath shot him a glare. “Roland, back off. This is Conrad’s decision. If it were that easy, he would have made it already.”

  Heath was the logical one of the two of them. Roland needed someone like that.

  “All you need to do is think about what she did to you. You can’t just forgive someone for that. No way.” Roland took a long drink of his beer then wiped his lips on the back of his forearm.

  “You kept me a secret for six months,” Heath countered. “You were ashamed of me and wouldn’t come clean to anyone. When we had our anniversary dinner you told me to hide. So don’t sit there and pass judgment on others.”

  I smiled because I couldn’t help myself. Heath told Roland off when he needed to hear it, and I loved that about him.

  “Not the same thing and you know it,” Roland snapped. “And when will you stop throwing that in my face?”

  “When you stop giving your two cents about Conrad’s situation. The guy is already struggling. Don’t infect his mind with your opinion,” Heath said.

  “It’s hard not to,” Roland said. “He’s my best friend. I want the best for him.”

  “I get that,” Heath said. “But you still need to back off.”

  I turned to Heath. “I wish you were in the picture a lot sooner.”

  Despite the serious moment Heath smiled. “Me too.”

  Roland finally dropped the argument and watched the game on the TV. But judging his dark exterior he would give Heath an earful when I wasn’t around. His arms were crossed over his chest, and his irritation filled the air.

  Heath leaned toward me and lowered his voice. “I’m not getting any tonight.”

  “Or this week,” I answered.

  He chuckled then returned to his seat.

  A knock on the door caught everyone’s attention. Roland glanced at the doorway then turned back to me. Heath didn’t say anything, but his silence was enough.

  They both knew who it was.

  Lexie never called before she stopped by, which was smart. If she did call, I would probably tell her not to come. I cleared my throat then walked to the door, prepared to see the woman I was enslaved to on the other side.

  When I opened the door and saw her face I thought about our evening the night before. We got hot dogs from the street and walked together like old times. We laughed and enjoyed each other’s company. It was nice.