To Love Again Read online

  Speechless, I continued to stare.

  “It’s still warm…” She was flustered under my stoic stare, unsure what to do or how to behave.

  I eyed the dish in her hands and didn’t know what to do.

  A long minute of silence passed, and it seemed to stretch on forever.

  “Um…” Lexie was growing more uncomfortable by the minute.

  “Well, thanks.” I didn’t know what else to say. I got my keys out of my pocket then unlocked the door.

  She continued to stand there.

  I walked inside and tossed my bag aside. Then I grabbed the dish from her hands. “Thank you. I’ll eat this later.”

  She didn’t cross the threshold but she didn’t leave either.

  “Have a good night.” I grabbed the door so I could shut it.

  “Can I join you for dinner?”

  Was that why she cooked for me? An elaborate plan to spend time with me? She really wasn’t going to give up—not ever. “I guess.” I was tired of pushing her away. No matter how hard I pressed, she came back like a boomerang.

  She practically ran inside and immediately set the table.

  I watched her, noting how familiar it felt. I’d dreamt of a moment like this countless times. It was odd to see it in action. “I’m going to shower.”

  “Okay,” she said cheerfully. “I’m going to heat this up so it’s still hot.”

  I headed into my room and got in the shower. When I was under the water I thought about the fact Lexie was in my apartment, about to have dinner with me. I kept asking her to go away but she wouldn’t. She was stuck to me like glue. Why couldn’t she have done this months ago? Or why couldn’t she just said yes to my proposal in the beginning?

  After I dried off I joined her in the kitchen. She was already sitting down and making herself comfortable.

  I sat across from her and immediately felt awkward. We were really having dinner together like a couple. Lexie looked exactly the same as she used to, but she looked entirely different at the same time.

  She served the plates then dug into her food.

  I kept my eyes down as I ate, not wanting to look at her.

  “How was work?” she asked quietly.

  “Fine.” I didn’t talk much these days, especially to her.

  “How was your workout?”

  “Fine.” I continued to eat then eyed Apollo on the ground next to my chair.

  Lexie didn’t protest to my lack of cooperation. “He’s new.”

  “His name is Apollo.”

  “He’s cute.”

  “Beatrice got him for me.”

  “Oh…” Alarm immediately moved into her eyes, and so did jealousy.

  I didn’t bother explaining the platonic nature of our relationship. I didn’t give a damn if Lexie suffered. “He keeps me company. I like having him around. He helps me sleep at night.”

  “That’s nice,” she said quietly. “He’s so quiet and well-behaved.”

  “He was a police dog.”

  “Cool.” Lexie didn’t ask about Beatrice. She probably knew she had no right to ask me anything. “So, are you watching the game tonight?”

  “Probably.” I had nothing else to do.

  “I’m not sure if the Yankees are going to make it into the playoffs,” she said. “They’ve been slacking this season.”

  “I don’t have a lot of faith in them either.” She probably talked about sports because she knew it was a safe subject.

  “My research has been going well,” she said. “I just published another paper.”

  “Interesting.” Actually, it wasn’t that interesting. I wasn’t her boyfriend anymore so I didn’t have to pretend to care.

  “And I started taking spin classes. They help relieve my stress.”

  “Cool.” I finished my food then got another serving. Lexie’s cooking was always good. I had to admit that I missed it. I usually ate out because I didn’t have a woman to cook for me. Carrie did once in a while.

  Lexie finished her food then stared at me while I finished mine.

  “What?” I asked.

  She looked away when she realized she was staring. “Sorry.”

  “Why are you here?” I didn’t want to see her anymore, but the idea of her disappearing again scared me at the same time.

  “I just thought I would bring you dinner…”

  “I can take care of myself, Lexie. I’ve been doing it for four months.”

  “I know…but I want to take care of you.”

  I stared at my plate and felt my heart ache in longing. No matter what she did to me I still treasured our relationship. Even though she stabbed me through the heart, I still loved her. It was pathetic and stupid. I should be screaming at her right now but I couldn’t find the emotion to make it happen. “What do you think is going to happen? You’re going to cook for me until I forgive you?”

  “I’m not trying to get you to forgive me.”

  “Then what are you trying to do, exactly?”

  “I just...want to see you.” The sincerity in her eyes shined brighter than all the stars in the sky. “I just…want to be around you even if you hate me the entire time.”

  I took a drink of my water to mask the look on my face.

  Lexie stared at the table like she was too ashamed to meet my gaze. “I’ve never been to Italy. What’s it like?”

  “Beautiful.” That was the best way to describe it. “Good food, beautiful people, and gorgeous views of the sea.”

  “I can’t even imagine…”

  “And of course, their wine is amazing.”

  “I bet.”

  “I stayed at the resort the entire time so I didn’t do any sightseeing.”

  She nodded but didn’t ask me about my activities, probably because she knew exactly what I was doing.

  “What have you been doing for the past four months?”

  “Sleeping, working, and sleeping…I sleep a lot.”

  I didn’t get any sleep. I tossed and turned all night because she wasn’t there anymore. “How’s your family?”

  “About the same,” she said. “Dad married that bimbo of his…”

  I took another drink of my water.

  “Mom has been getting along…she started knitting and sowing. That keeps her busy.”

  “Maybe she should teach a cooking class.”

  “Maybe,” Lexie said. “She would probably like that.”

  “I’d take it,” I said. “I’ve been eating out every day and it gets old.”

  A sad look came over her face.

  I finished my plate and couldn’t eat another bite. “Thank you for dinner.” I carried the dishes to the sink then put the dish in the refrigerator. Now that the meal was over, it was time for Lexie to leave. “I’ll show you out.”

  Lexie didn’t move from her spot at the table. “Can I watch the game with you?”

  What was she trying to do? “Lexie, what do you think is going to happen? You think I’m going to spend time with you and somehow forget everything that’s happened? You think I’m going to eat your dinner and forgive you?”

  “No…I just want to be with you.”

  If she were anyone else I’d grabbed her by the elbow and throw her out. But I just couldn’t do it. What the hell was wrong with me? I shouldn’t have had dinner with her at all.

  Lexie watched me, studying me just the way she used to. “Please let me stay. I’ve been apart from you for so long. I just want to be with you…even if we don’t speak to each other. I’m in so much pain and when I’m with you…I don’t feel it as much.”

  “And how do you think I feel?”

  She held my gaze and didn’t blink. “I think you feel the same way—even if you won’t admit it.”

  ***

  I sat on one couch and she sat on the other. We watched the game together, the heavy silence filling the room. I was constantly aware of her presence even though she didn’t say a word. Sometimes I felt her gaze on me, hot and blinding.
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  The game went on for a few hours, and I eventually laid back on the couch and put my feet up. I was wearing sweats and a t-shirt, something I’d wear if no one were there.

  Lexie was the first woman I had in this apartment that I didn’t sleep with. We weren’t friends and we would never be lovers again, but she had her own category. As much as I hated to admit it, it was nice having her there…in a really complicated way.

  When the game was over, I was ready for her to leave. I didn’t want her to think there was some invitation for her to spend the night. The last thing I wanted was something more than this awkward get-together. “Well, good night.” I immediately headed to the door and opened it.

  She tried to hide her disappointment but it was impossible. She grabbed her coat from the back of the couch and put it on. Then she slowly approached the door, practically dragging her feet. “Thanks for letting me hang…”

  “Yeah…” I waited for her to walk out.

  She didn’t try to hug me or touch me. She eyed my chest like she wished she could press her face against it. But then she stepped out, bundling her coat around her. It was eleven in the evening and I felt uncomfortable letting her walk home in the dark. But I knew I shouldn’t care—not after what she did to me. Once she was across the threshold I shut the door and headed back to the couch.

  The anxiety hit in full force. What if someone hurt her? What if someone grabbed her? What if she got mugged or snatched? Every painful scenario played in my mind and terrified me.

  She wasn’t my responsibility so I shouldn’t care about getting her home safely. I shouldn’t care about her at all—period. But my mind kept playing tricks on me and my heart ached.

  I couldn’t just sit here.

  As much as I hated to admit it to myself, I would die if something happened to her. She hurt me so much but I couldn’t stand the thought of her ever being in pain. Every time I watched her cry I wanted to cry too.

  I grabbed my jacket and headed after her.

  When I made it to the sidewalk, I turned in the direction of her apartment. After jogging for a while I finally spotted her. She was walking up ahead, her hands shoved deep into her pockets. She was walking alone, the steam from the grates floating into the air.

  I didn’t want her to know I came after her. I didn’t want her to know how much I still loved her. She would use it against me and manipulate me into taking her back. So, I hung back and followed her home. She never turned around so she didn’t spot me.

  I followed her all the way to her building and watched her pull out her keycard so she could get inside. She fidgeted with the door as she tried to get it loose. The building was old so it didn’t always cooperate. I remained off to the side and stood near the garbage can as I waited.

  A bum approached me from the side and peered into the garbage can. I was used to bums like Californians were used to seagulls. I ignored him and continued to watch Lexie.

  “Shove off, man.” The bum shoved his elbow into me and pushed me out of the way.

  I was disgusted that he touched me.

  Lexie immediately looked up at the sound, and her eyes met mine. Surprise stretched across her face, and then a look full of emotion replaced it. She stared at me with glossy eyes that would soon form tears.

  Fuck, she caught me.

  She continued to watch me, knowing I followed her so she would get home safely. The gesture wasn’t lost on her.

  Now she knew exactly how I felt. There was no room for misinterpretation. That was a confession of my undying love, that I would always love this girl for as long as I lived.

  Unable to handle the truth, I turned around and walked away.

  ***

  I was sitting at my desk preparing for a meeting when Lexie came to my mind. She stayed at the apartment and watched the game with me after dinner. We didn’t speak for the rest of the night, and she sat on one couch while I sat on the other. Not once did she make a move for something physical. And not once did she apologize and ask me to take her back.

  I wasn’t sure what the hell was going on.

  I had a meeting with a supplier from California but I didn’t feel like standing around talking for an hour. Whenever I was in my suit and representing my company, I always had to wear a mask. I had to represent the strength and power of this company, and I couldn’t afford to let anyone question my authority.

  It was a lot of work.

  Dad came inside and straightened his tie before he sat down. “Ready?”

  “I’m always ready, Dad.”

  “I know. Just thought I’d ask.” He’d been giving me strange looks lately, like he saw something I didn’t. His eyes were always glued to my face like he was searching for something.

  “Everything alright?”

  “Yeah…for the most part.”

  That was a fancy way of saying no. “What’s up?”

  He sighed before he began. “Lexie came by last week.”

  “To the office?” She had a habit of dropping by.

  “To the house, actually.”

  What? She went to my parents’ house. “Why?”

  “She wanted to apologize to your mother and I…for hurting you.”

  I was too speechless to speak.

  “Your mother didn’t sympathize with her. She went full mama bear on her. But…I believe that she’s really sorry for what happened.”

  I was still processing this. “She actually went to your house? She thinks I’ll take her back if she kisses your ass?”

  “No, I don’t think that’s what she’s trying to do.”

  “Then what is she trying to do?”

  “She knows the only chance she has is getting our forgiveness—all of us.”

  “That doesn’t make even the slightest difference,” I said coldly. “I’m the one she hurt, not you.”

  “She said you said something to her…that your family would always hate her.”

  “They should hate her,” I snapped. “Trinity is a little extreme about it but she has every right to be angry. I would judge her if she felt differently. If Slade ever hurt her, I’d murder him. Lexie isn’t stupid. She knew what she was doing when she left me in that restaurant, and she knew there was no coming back from that. She can live with the consequences.”

  “So, you’re never going to give her another chance?”

  I shook my head. “No.”

  Dad didn’t argue with me like he usually would.

  “Everything is different now…she didn’t want me.”

  “It sounds like she wants you now.”

  “Well, I’m not a toy she can play with at her convenience,” I hissed. “I’m a good man and I deserve better.”

  “I couldn’t agree more.”

  I stared at my computer screen even though it was blank.

  “She’ll stop coming around after a while. Give it time.”

  I released a sarcastic laugh. “I highly doubt that. She came over last night and made me dinner.”

  Dad watched me but hid his reaction. “So, she came over for dinner?”

  “No, she made me lasagna and we ate it together. She wouldn’t leave so I stopped trying to fight it. Then we watched the game before she left.” I left the part out where I followed her home then got caught.

  “So…you guys hang out now?”

  “No,” I said offensively. “Not at all. She just brought food…and I wanted the food.”

  Dad still didn’t accuse me of anything. “Then she walked home by herself?”

  “Uh…not exactly.”

  He raised an eyebrow.

  “I felt bad letting her walk home alone so I…followed her to make sure she got there okay.” Was I not the lamest excuse for a man on the planet? I knew my dad was going to give me shit for it, so I was proactive in the argument. “I know. It was stupid and I shouldn’t do anything for her after what she did to me. Believe me, I know…”

  “That’s not what I was thinking—at all.”

  Was it wor
se?

  “You did the right thing walking her home. It shows character. I couldn’t be more proud of you.”

  “Really?”

  He nodded. “You love someone no matter what, even if they hurt you. It takes a real man to feel that way. If you were an immature child you would have turned your back on her. Real love is selfless. And you are selfless, Conrad.”

  It always meant a lot to me when my dad said he was proud of me. His opinion meant the world to me. I teased him from time-to-time but I respected him more than anyone else I knew. “You don’t think it’s lame that I can’t stop loving a woman who betrayed me?”

  “Not at all. I think it’s amazing that you still love someone after they hurt you. Most people never recover from that.”

  “But what she did was terrible…”

  “It was,” he admitted. “But she never lied to you or cheated on you. She just got scared and ran away. Technically, she didn’t betray you.”

  Now I knew how my dad felt about Lexie. “You think I should take her back.”

  “I never said that,” he said quickly. “Do what you want, Conrad.”

  “But you do think that?”

  Dad sighed and looked away.

  “I’m really asking you.”

  “My opinion is irrelevant, son.”

  “Not to me.”

  He rubbed the scruff of his face before he spoke. “I still loved your mother after she left me, and I knew I would never love anyone else. She pissed me off but it really didn’t matter. My heart was hers and she knew it. You’re going through the same thing with Lexie. It’s best not to fight it.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Do you see these feelings ever changing?”

  “No…”

  “Then what choice do you have?”

  “But I’m still so hurt…”

  “Give it time. There’s no reason to rush into it. But don’t fight it either.”

  Any time I closed my eyes, Lexie was the woman I thought about. Her absence affected me so much that I couldn’t function normally without her. I was constantly in pain, yearning for the one woman I couldn’t live without. “Thanks…”

  “Anytime.”

  ***

  I took Apollo for a walk in the park when I ran into a familiar face.