All Hope Is Lost Read online

  “So, you still hate her like everyone else?”

  “Hate is a strong word…”

  I eyed her.

  “And I think it’s appropriate. What she did was terrible, Conrad. Unforgiveable.”

  “We all make mistakes, especially you.” I wasn’t one to hold grudges against people but Skye wasn’t innocent.

  “Even that doesn’t compare to what she did, Conrad.”

  “I don’t know if I agree with that.”

  “It sounds like you do forgive her.”

  “I…I don’t know.”

  Skye stopped playing and watched me with a motherly eye. “I’m sorry you’re in this position. You know you shouldn’t take her back, not after what she did to you, but you can’t walk away either.”

  I nodded in agreement.

  “I’ll never feel the same way toward her, not after watching you burn into ashes, but if you want to be with her I would support it and be civil to her.”

  “I’m not sure if that’ll ever happen.”

  “You sound confused.”

  “Very.”

  “I really liked Carrie.”

  “Yeah, she’s really cool.”

  Skye grabbed the cards and shuffled them.

  “What would you do if you were me?”

  She shook her head. “That’s a can of worms, Conrad.”

  “I want to know anyway.”

  “I wouldn’t take her back.” She said it without hesitation.

  My heart fell into my stomach. “Really?”

  She nodded. “Maybe if she tried to get you back a month after everything happened things would be different…but she waited so long. Three months is practically a lifetime.”

  “Even if it were Cayson, you still wouldn’t take him back?”

  “Oh…if it were Cayson that’s totally different.”

  “How so?”

  “We’ve been together for years. We’ve known each other our entire lives. He was my best friend long before he was something more. Even when I thought he cheated on me I said I would take him back—as long as he was honest about what he did.”

  “Well, I feel the same way about Lexie even if I haven’t known her as long.”

  Skye gave me a grim look. “I told you this would be a can of worms.”

  I hoped hearing her answer would give me guidance, but in the end it just made me more confused. Would we spiral in this endless vortex? I would want her one day, and then the next I would push her away. My heart would always walk on eggshells around her because I would never trust her again—not ever.

  ***

  When I heard the knock on my door, I knew who it was.

  I opened it and came face-to-face with Lexie.

  Like always, she had a tray of food, her excuse to see me. “I made tacos…are you hungry?”

  Silently, I opened the door wider and allowed her to come inside.

  She gave me a faint smile before she walked into the kitchen and set the dish down.

  My conversation with Skye kept replaying in my mind. No matter what I did, I never had a definitive answer of what to do with Lexie. Would I ever? I slowly approached the table, my mind elsewhere.

  “I’ll set the table.” She headed into the kitchen.

  “Come here.” My voice came out harsh even though I hadn’t meant it to.

  Lexie turned to me, and the fear was in her eyes. She slowly approached me, like a tamer approaches a lion.

  I rubbed the back of my neck, feeling the bite of my pain. “I don’t see this going anywhere, Lexie. I don’t see me ever really forgiving you. I’m just going to keep dragging you through the mud. There will be good days, days when I think there’s hope left. But there will be days, like this, when I can’t see that house in the country with the picket fence. Despite what you did, you don’t deserve that. I don’t want to waste your time.”

  She crossed her arms over her chest and suddenly appeared smaller.

  “I’m sorry. You should go.”

  “Conrad…I’m okay with that.”

  Now I crossed my arms over my chest.

  “I knew this would take a lifetime to repair. I knew I wouldn’t make this right overnight. I knew getting you back would be against all odds. But I’m still willing to try—because you’re the prize.”

  “But I don’t see—”

  “I know you don’t see it working right now. You don’t trust me and can’t see yourself ever trusting me. But you need to give it time—a lot of time. I can be patient. There’s nothing for me anywhere else, Conrad. You’re the only person I want. So, I’m not wasting my time at all.” She returned her arms to her sides then walked back into the kitchen.

  Chapter Three

  Skye

  I was sitting alone when Cayson walked in. He wore his suit because he just got off work. “How’s he doing?”

  I made a deep sigh. “The same.” I didn’t have enough strength to get up and kiss my husband.

  Cayson didn’t take it personally. He sat beside me then put his arm around me. “Just a little longer and he’ll be home.”

  “I hope so…” I couldn’t bare the thought of not bringing him into the room we decorated just for him. It was blue with pirate ships. His name was written on the walls with stars—Slade’s doing.

  “He’s made it this far,” Cayson said. “He’s a fighter. A war chief, actually.”

  “I know…”

  He rubbed my back before he left the chair and peered into the glass. “Hey, sport. Daddy is here.” He rested one hand against the container and looked down into Cedric’s face. He was sleeping right now, but sometimes he would kick or move his arm.

  I constantly glanced at the door and waited for the doctor to walk inside. I needed to hear those words, that Cedric was well enough to come home, that he would make it.

  My parents walked in, looking just as depressed as I was.

  “Hey, pumpkin.” Dad gave me a kiss to the forehead.

  “Hey, Dad.”

  “Your hair looks nice.”

  My hair looked like shit. He was just trying to make me feel better. “Thanks.”

  Mom sat beside me and hugged me. “Do you need anything, sweetheart?”

  “No.” I was never hungry or thirsty. All my bodily needs evaporated the moment my son was in danger.

  “How about we get massages?” Mom asked. “Your body must be tense from sitting in this chair all the time.”

  “That’s a great idea,” I lied. “But maybe some other time.”

  The sadness glowed in Mom’s eyes.

  Dad peered through the glass, the same sadness in his eyes. “Hey, Cedric. It’s Grandpa.”

  Cayson stood beside him, his hand still on the surface of the container.

  “Any news?” Dad asked.

  Cayson just shook his head.

  “How was work?” Dad asked, trying to change the subject.

  “It was okay,” he answered. “Biological warfare has taken a backseat to shootings.” His voice was full of bitterness.

  Dad nodded slowly. “It’s terrible, isn’t it?”

  “It’s so horrible that I can’t understand it. When I look down at my son I wonder if he’ll ever think the world is beautiful…or just a preliminary hell.”

  “Try to remember there are beautiful people to balance it out. There are always beautiful people.”

  “Yeah…” But Cayson didn’t seem convinced.

  The doctor walked through the double doors, just like he did at the same time every day for his rounds.

  I immediately stood up, my heart racing. Every day I prayed he would say the final words I wanted to hear. This man was my savior, keeping my son alive when he couldn’t last through the night. It was hard not to be emotional about it. I hadn’t realized how different my life would be until I had my son. The life I formerly knew evaporated. Now my world revolved around Cedric. I wasn’t happy unless he was happy. “Anything new? What’s happening? When can he come home? When—”
r />   Cayson put his arm around my shoulder. “He’ll answer all those questions, baby. Just give him a minute.”

  The doctor peered into the glass before he turned his eyes back on me. “We’re going to take him off the ventilator. We think he can breathe on his own now.”

  “Really?” I blurted. That was the greatest news I heard in a long time. “He’s better, then?”

  “Well, we’re about to find out,” the doctor answered. “But we need to evacuate the room. We can’t have this many people in here.” He eyed my dad. “I’m sorry, Mr. Preston.” My dad probably bought him a beach house in exchange for taking care of his grandson.

  “No need for apology.” Dad grabbed my mom’s hand, and together they left the room.

  Cayson kept me tightly against him. “Cedric will pull through.”

  I nodded.

  The nurses came in and assembled around Cedric. They exchanged commands before they positioned around the intubator. Then the doctor removed the tiny tube breathing air into my son’s lungs.

  “Please…please…please.” My hands were clutched to my chest.

  Cayson rubbed my back, supporting me.

  Once the tube was out, the doctor watched Cedric closely. The monitor showed zero oxygen flow.

  The anticipation was killing me.

  And then the monitor released a beep, and the computer began to read the oxygen saturation.

  The doctor smiled. “There he goes. He’s breathing on his own.”

  Immediately, I burst into tears. They weren’t regular tears. It was a full-blown explosion. My chest heaved and ached with every breath I took. I broke down, from the pure joy of relief. My knees caved slightly but Cayson kept me up. “Cedric is okay…he’s going to be okay.”

  Cayson guided me into his chest. His breathing was irregular, sporadic.

  I looked up and saw the same tears in his eyes.

  “He’s a fighter.” He pressed a kiss to my forehead. “He’s our war chief.”

  ***

  They monitored Cedric closely for the next six hours. He remained in the glass container, but the tubes were gone from his face. When he yawned for the first time my heart almost gave out.

  My parents were back in the room, and my mom’s eyes were constantly tearing up. Dad took a deep breath a few times, like he was trying to fight the same emotions.

  Cayson sat beside me, his hand on my thigh. “We’re going to take him home soon.”

  “You think?” I asked hopefully.

  “I do,” Cayson said. “We’re almost out of the woods.”

  “Such a beautiful baby,” Mom whispered. Now that the breathing machine was removed we could see every detail of his face.

  And yes, he was beautiful.

  The doctor returned to the room, his clipboard tucked under his arm. “How’s the war chief doing?” The nickname had caught on, and everyone was calling him that.

  “Perfect,” I said with motherly affection.

  The doctor glanced at his clipboard. “I just got his lab results back…”

  “Yeah?” I asked, my body immediately tense.

  “Everything is looking good. Sometimes pneumonia develops from the breathing treatment but he’s in the clear. He’s doing really well.”

  “Oh, thank god.” I clutched my hands to my chest.

  “Would you like to hold him?” the doctor asked nonchalantly. A smile was on his lips.

  My entire body shook. “Oh my god. Can I?” My eyes watered and I fanned them so they would stop. “I can hold him?” I couldn’t control my breathing because it was haywire. I was going to hold my son for the first time, something that should have happened nearly a month ago.

  “Of course,” the doctor said. “But how about you take a minute to calm down.”

  “Okay…Okay.” I tried to slow my breathing on my own. But then I remembered Cayson. “You should hold him first. You were there for him when I was still in labor and delivery.”

  He shook his head. “No, baby. It should be you. You’re his mother.”

  “Yeah?” He was really going to let me go first?

  “Yeah.”

  “Okay.” I stood up and approached the glass, my hands not flinching.

  Cayson came beside me.

  The doctor opened the glass then gently scooped him into his arms. Then he came to me, Cedric in his arms.

  Being this close to him was the most amazing experience of my life.

  The doctor placed Cedric in my arms. He didn’t let go until I securely had him. Then he finally stepped away.

  “Oh my god…” I couldn’t believe this was real. I was staring into my son’s face, seeing the most beautiful thing I’d ever set eyes on. He was so small, practically weightless. Cayson moved his hand under Cedric’s head, and stared at him with the same awe.

  The experience was almost supernatural. I felt him breathe in my arms, and I stared at all his fingers and toes. His eyes were closed like he was still sleeping. But then they opened, and his eyes met mine.

  “Hi…” The tears bubbled again, and they slid down my cheeks. “Hi, Cedric.”

  Cayson’s face mirrored my own. His eyes welled with tears. “Hey, War Chief.”

  “You’re so perfect.”

  Cayson felt Cedric’s small fingers. “My little man.”

  “I know you don’t know who we are right now but…we’re the two people who will love you until it drives you crazy.” I released a gentle laugh.

  Cayson cupped the side of Cedric’s face with his palm. “We love you so much.”

  Mom sniffed as she stood beside Dad.

  Dad blinked his eyes quickly like he was trying to hide how moved he was.

  I looked down at Cedric. “Want to meet Grandma and Grandpa? They’ve been here the whole time.” I slowly walked to my parents then stood close to their chest so they could look down into Cedric’s face.

  “He’s so handsome,” Mom whispered. She grabbed his foot and felt his toes.

  Dad touched him on the arm. “Perfect.”

  My parents kept showering him with love, enjoying their first grandchild.

  I wanted to let them hold him, but I knew Cayson should go first. “Want to hold him?” I turned to Cayson.

  Cayson didn’t answer. He moved his arms under mine, and like he’d done it a hundred times, he took Cedric from my arms and held him to his chest. With a fatherly gaze, he looked into Cedric’s face. “I’ve been waiting for you for a long time. And you were worth the wait.” He leaned down and kissed Cedric on the forehead.

  The moment made me cry all over again.

  “You guys did a great job,” Mom whispered. “Such a handsome baby.”

  “I know,” I said proudly.

  Cayson continued to look into Cedric’s face like the rest of us weren’t in the room. When he finally had enough he came to my mom and prepared to hand him over. “Here you are, Grandma.”

  Mom took him eagerly then sighed as she looked down into his face. “Isn’t he beautiful, Sean?”

  He put his arm around her shoulders. “He really is.” He put one arm under hers and they held him together.

  “Call your parents,” I whispered to Cayson. “They’ll want to hold him ASAP.”

  He stepped away and pulled out his phone. “I’m on it.”

  Chapter Four

  Arsen

  Abby swirled her spoon around her SpaghettiOs without taking a bite. Her chin was propped on her hand, and she stared hopelessly into the bowl. Around and around the spoon went.

  “Everything alright, sweetheart?”

  Her eyes didn’t meet mine. “I miss Silke…”

  Yeah, that makes two of us. “I know this is difficult for you. It’s hard for me too.”

  “Where is she?” Abby put down the spoon and looked at me. “Where did she go?”

  How did I explain this to a six-year-old? “She’s just gone for a little bit. But she’ll be back.” Hopefully. I knew Abby loved spending time with Silke. The two of the
m had a special bond I was grateful for. My daughter needed a strong female role model in her life, and there was no one better than Silke.

  Then a thought hit me. Silke wouldn’t see me or spend time with me, but if Abby wanted to see her she wouldn’t be able to refuse. As impossible as it sounded, I was certain Silke loved Abby even more than she loved me. Would it make me the worst father in the world if I used my daughter to see her? Or would it just make me the most desperate boyfriend on the planet? “I’ll be right back, Abby.”

  Abby returned to staring at her bowl.

  I went into my bedroom then made the call. Every time I heard the ring on the other line, my heart pounded harder in my chest. I wanted her so much, and the fact I couldn’t have her constantly put me on edge.

  Silke answered. “Arsen, please back off.” The authority rang in her tone. She may be small and beautiful, but she was stronger than any soldier I’d ever known.

  “I’m sorry to bother you. But that’s not why I’m calling.”

  “Then why are you calling?” She didn’t believe me for a second.

  And she was dead-on about that. “Abby misses you…she keeps asking about you.”

  Her tone immediately changed. She was hostile in the beginning, but the sweetness poured like honey in her voice. “She is?”

  “Yeah. I know she wants to see you.”

  Silke sighed deeply into the phone, like my words pained her. “I want to see her too. I love that girl like crazy. I never thought I could love someone so much, you know?”

  “I do know.” All too well. “Do you think we can get ice cream in the park tomorrow? Take her to the playground?”

  Silke hesitated. “How about I just take her to do something?”

  That would ruin my plan. “I think it would be better for Abby if we were both there—as a family.” I was pulling at anything I could reach. Of course I wanted the best for my daughter, but I also wanted the best for her for the long haul. Getting Silke back was the best thing for both of us.

  Silke hesitated again. “I don’t know…”

  I didn’t want to push her because that would get me nowhere. “Silke, even if we can’t work this out, don’t you think we should get together for her?” Silke wasn’t Abby’s mother, but I knew that didn’t matter to Silke. As far as she was concerned, she was the only thing Abby had besides Ryan and I. She adopted her without formerly signing the papers, just as Ryan had done with me.