You Are All I'll Ever Need Read online

  But then I thought about Trinity.

  We weren’t serious. We were just fooling around. I didn’t mean anything to her and she didn’t mean anything to me. Well, she did… Over the course of a few months, our friendship had deepened. Now she was the person I liked to spend all my time with. Even though we were just fucking, there was an intimacy between us. This girl was hot but…honestly, I’d rather just have Trinity instead. The sex was good and I liked being with her afterwards. Something didn’t feel right.

  “Slade?” Vera’s voice brought me back to reality.

  “Sorry…I didn’t hear you.”

  “Let me make it more clear.” She wrapped her arms around my neck and came closer to me. “Let’s go to your place.”

  Ugh…I just wanted to say no. I eyed Roland and Conrad, who were both talking to their dates. When they noticed how close Vera was to me, they both winked at me. Roland raised his glass to me then nodded in my direction.

  If I blew Vera off, they would know about it. Vera would tell her girlfriends and they would tell Roland and Conrad. They would scrutinize my actions even more than they already did. They would tell everyone else in the group, and then it would be nearly impossible to find a plausible excuse unless I said I was gay. If I slept with Vera, everyone might get off my back. Trinity could keep our relationship a secret without raising any red flags.

  And I wasn’t doing anything wrong. Trinity and I weren’t in a relationship. I told her I never wanted to be. And I even told her I wouldn’t change my ways for her.

  Then why did I feel like I was doing something wrong?

  Trinity didn’t have feelings for me and I didn’t have feelings for her. We weren’t exclusive. I decided just to forget about Trinity and take Vera home. “Sounds like a plan.”

  She smirked. “Good.”

  I headed to Roland. “She and I are leaving.”

  “Shit, that was fast,” Roland said.

  I tugged on his shirt. “Maybe you should dress better next time.” I winked then grabbed Vera’s hand and walked her out. She snuggled close to me and giggled. After we got into my car, she immediately leaned toward the driver’s side and started kissing my neck while I drove. I had a feeling she was going to be a good lay.

  ***

  I can’t do it. I can’t do it. I can’t do it.

  We got to my front door and I fidgeted with my keys for over two minutes.

  Vera smirked at me. “Is everything okay?”

  I sighed then clenched my keys with my hand. “Can I ask you something?”

  She seemed irritated that sex was being postponed. “Sure…”

  “So, I’m in this weird relationship with this girl. We aren’t together and I said we’re allowed to sleep with other people. There’re no feelings involved but…I’ll feel like a jackass if I sleep with you. She’s become a really close friend and…I really care about her.”

  Vera didn’t seem like she cared about any of that information. “I don’t care if you have a girlfriend.”

  “She’s not my girlfriend,” I said quickly. “I don’t do the girlfriend thing.”

  She cocked an eyebrow. “What are you saying?”

  “I just…I guess…I can’t do this. I’m sorry.”

  Disappointment filled her eyes. “You’re in love with another woman?”

  “Whoa…hold on! I’m not in love with anybody, okay? That’s not my style. I just…feel guilty if I go through with this.”

  She sighed in annoyance. “Fine. Whatever. Thanks for wasting my time.”

  I knew she wanted to kick me in the balls. “I know this is a very asshole-ish thing to say, but can you do me a favor?”

  “You have a lot of nerve.”

  “Hear me out, please.”

  She crossed her arms over her chest.

  “Can you tell your girlfriends you slept with me?”

  Her eyebrows shot up. “What? You don’t want to sleep with me so you don’t hurt your girlfriend—”

  “She’s not my girlfriend.”

  “But you want her to think you did?”

  “Well, I want everyone to think I did. And…I just don’t want this girl to get too attached to me. I feel like we’ve taken our relationship to a new level and…when I said I wouldn’t change for her, I meant it. I just don’t want her to get the wrong idea about me. I don’t want her to think I have any special feelings toward her. I want her to continue thinking I’m a jackass. I can’t give her anything more and it would make my life a lot easier if she never asked for it.”

  She nodded her head slowly. “So, you want her to think you’re an asshole even though you can’t stand the idea of being with anyone but her?”

  “Bingo.”

  “That still makes no damn sense.”

  “I know. But will you do that for me? Please?”

  She sighed. “I guess…”

  I pulled a hundred dollar bill out of my wallet. “Here…for your troubles.”

  She pushed it away. “I don’t need your money.”

  “Well, I appreciate it.”

  She stared at me for a long time. “You want my advice?”

  “Not really.”

  “Drop this asshole façade and let her see the real you.”

  “I am an asshole.”

  She shook her head then walked away. “No, you aren’t. And you aren’t fooling me.”

  Chapter Two

  Trinity

  Slade was free to do whatever he wanted. I didn’t give a damn who he screwed. It didn’t make a difference to me. I was just fine without him. He could hook up with some Russian model and it wouldn’t make me blink twice. Why would I care? Slade is just some guy I keep around to pass the time until something better comes along.

  Then why was I on the verge of tears?

  I stayed at home that night but all I could think about was Slade. He was probably flirting with her, dropping lines left and right. She would obviously be smitten with him. His tattoos and nice arms would immediately catch her notice. He would make her laugh, and he would make it pretty clear he knew his way around the bedroom. My brother wasn’t into nice girls, so I assumed Slade’s date wasn’t a nice girl either.

  Which meant Slade was going to get laid tonight.

  But like I said, I don’t care. He doesn’t mean anything to me. He’s just a friend I have sex with and spend time with. In the beginning, he said we weren’t exclusive and I knew he meant it. What did I expect? Slade said he was an asshole and he was right. Why did I expect him to be anything else? Why did I care?

  I don’t.

  ***

  On Monday morning, I joined Skye in the library.

  “Are you okay?” Skye stared at me like a flesh-eating virus just devoured half my face.

  “I’m fine…why?”

  “You just…look miserable.”

  “Well, it’s Monday.” I added a chuckle but it was forced.

  Skye stared at me for a long time. “Okay…you’ve been weird for months. I’m starting to feel like I don’t know my best friend anymore.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous. You’re busy with Cayson so we don’t spend every second together like we used to, and that’s totally fine.”

  “I feel like there’s something else, Trinity…”

  I needed to come up with something—quick. “Seeing you with Cayson just reminds me I’m alone and I’ll never find a guy that really loves me. They’ll always just use me to pass the time until something better comes along.” Part of that was true. I was doing the same thing to Slade, so I guess I’m a hypocrite, but…I guess I don’t feel that way anymore. And the fact Slade hasn’t changed his feelings toward me hurt. I guess being in denial was the best way to go.

  Skye’s eyes softened in sadness. “Trin, that’s not true.”

  “Yes, it is,” I said bitterly. “Some days, the realization is harder than others—like today.”

  She reached across the table and rested her hand on mine. “You’re going to find som
eone just as good as Cayson. I promise. Don’t give up.”

  “Thanks, Skye.” I pulled my hand away and looked at my textbook, wanting to end this conversation.

  “We’re going out this weekend. There are tons of great guys out there and I’m going to find you one.”

  The last thing I wanted to do was look for a guy. “Skye, it’s really okay.”

  Roland slid into the chair beside Skye. “Where’s Romeo?”

  Skye glared at him. “He still has class for a few minutes.”

  “Good. I don’t have to watch you two make out.” He drank his coffee.

  “Why are you here?” Skye asked.

  Roland didn’t usually join us in the library. “I want to tell Cayson about my weekend—and how being single is awesome.”

  “Cayson is perfectly happy being with one woman,” she said defensively.

  “Not after he hears my story,” Roland said with a laugh. “I fucked her all weekend. I barely ate or drank anything.”

  Skye cringed. “You don’t like to hear about my sex life and I don’t like to hear about yours.”

  A part of me didn’t want to hear about Slade’s night, but another part of me did. How could I ask without being obvious? “How did Conrad do?”

  He smirked. “Apparently, his girl was into bondage. That was all I got out of him. Every time I texted him, he seemed busy.”

  I cringed. I didn’t need all those details. “And what about Slade?”

  Roland shrugged. “I didn’t talk to him much. He took his girl home on Friday night and got laid. But I guess he didn’t want to have sex with her again because he didn’t see that girl for the rest of the weekend. He’s always been strictly a one-hit type of guy.”

  My stomach suddenly burned in acid. I swallowed the lump in my throat and tried to seem indifferent. But I felt sick. Why? I didn’t have feelings for Slade. I knew I didn’t. I didn’t want something more from him. He would be the worst boyfriend on the planet. So why did I feel like crap?

  Roland finished his coffee then pulled his phone out. “Check her out.” He held the screen toward his sister.

  She didn’t look at it. “I don’t want to see some naked chick.”

  “She’s not naked. It was taken in the bar.”

  She sighed then took a peek. “She’s very pretty, Roland.”

  “Pretty?” he asked incredulously. “No, Mom is pretty. This girl is fucking bootylicious.”

  Skye rolled her eyes. “I’m not saying that.”

  “And she was amazing in bed.”

  “You still liked her even though she wasn’t married?” Skye snapped.

  “You know what? If you’re going to be a brat, I’m going to find someone else to brag to.” He stood up and walked away.

  Skye sighed. “I love him but…I hate him too.”

  I smirked. “I know the feeling.”

  “Well, if you really don’t want to go out, we don’t have to.” She returned her focus to her textbook.

  What was I doing? I was just going to sit around and sort out my feelings for a tattooed bad boy, who would never be anything more to me than a friend and fuck buddy? I was being stupid and there was no reason to be upset. Slade said exactly what he wanted and I agreed to it. I shouldn’t be upset or hold anything against him. I was the problem. And I needed to get back out there if I hoped to find a real relationship. I refused to sit around and mope like a loser. If I wanted to find a guy that wanted something serious, I needed to just go find him. “Actually, I changed my mind.”

  Skye’s eyes popped wide. “Really? Because I would love to go out for a night on the town. My mom just got me these really cute heels. You should wear them! They would look adorable on you.”

  “Sure. Thanks.”

  “This is going to be so much fun. We are sooo going to get drunk.”

  I smirked. “I like alcohol.”

  “And you’re going to get laid.”

  “I was actually hoping to find a nice guy to go on a date with.”

  She shrugged. “That works too.”

  “I’m excited.” I kept complaining that I didn’t have someone to share my life with. Well, that was about to change.

  ***

  I hope you die.

  I stared at the phone and tried to decide what to do. Slade didn’t do anything wrong so I shouldn’t behave differently. I needed to be mature about the situation or end our relationship. And I really didn’t want to end it. I liked the sex as much as his company. When do you want me to come over?

  Now? I made dinner.

  What did he just say? You made dinner?

  Well, I’m trying. It’s pretty damn hard. It would be nice to get a professional opinion.

  I smiled even though I shouldn’t. I’ll be right there.

  ***

  I knocked on the door and waited for him to answer.

  Slade opened the door, looking flustered. “Hey.” He immediately headed back into the kitchen. “So, I cooked the chicken on the stove and it kept splashing on me and burning me. So, I threw it in the oven but now it’s all black.”

  I smirked then stood beside him. He was facing the oven and looking through the window.

  “And now it just smells weird…”

  I eyed the pans on the stove. Asparagus was in one and it was black and charred. A can of corn was on the counter and that seemed to be the only edible thing that survived.

  I put on an oven mitt then cracked open the door. “It’s burned…like…really burned.”

  He sighed. “Well…cooking is fucking hard.”

  “Did you follow the directions?”

  “What directions?” he asked.

  I stared at him incredulously. “So, you just winged the whole thing?”

  “I never see you look at directions when you cook.”

  Geez, he was stupid. “I have them memorized.”

  “Oh.” He moved his hand through his hair. “Whoops.”

  Something wasn’t adding up. “Why did you try to cook anyway?”

  He shrugged. “I wanted to cook for you.”

  I cocked an eyebrow. “Why?”

  “You always cook for me…I wanted to do something for you.” He turned off the oven and the stove. “But it looks like we’re going to have to order a pizza instead.”

  “Well…it’s the thought that counts, Slade.” He was an enigma sometimes. One minute he was fucking a stranger, and then the next minute, he was being sweet to me…almost acting like a boyfriend. Even after all this time together, I didn’t understand him.

  “Yeah whatever.” He tossed everything in the garbage then turned on the overhead fan to air out the kitchen. “You want Hawaiian, right?”

  He remembered. “Yeah.”

  He grabbed his phone and made the call.

  I walked into the living area and spotted the dining table. There were two candles on it and the dishes and silverware were placed. It was romantic and intimate.

  Slade hung up the phone and joined me. “I guess we can still eat here.”

  “You set this up?” I stared at him with new eyes.

  “Yeah, I know you like candles. It really lightens up the place.” He shoved his phone into his pocket then moved to the couch. “I rented One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. I figured you’d want to watch it.”

  I sat beside him. He was making my head spin. “That’s really sweet but I wanted to watch it with my dad.”

  “Oh.” He seemed a little disappointed. “That’s fine. I rented The Odyssey if you want to watch that.”

  Slade and I had been doing this for a while. Our meetings started off just as sex but they slowly became something more. Now we watched movies together and shared dinner. We played games and snuggled in bed. We did things other couples did. So why was I realizing this now? “Did you sleep with that girl?” I blurted.

  Slade froze then met my gaze. “Yeah.”

  It wasn’t making sense. “But you still want to have dinner and watch a movie with me?”<
br />
  Something in his eyes changed. He seemed to get angry. “Look, I told you from the beginning what this relationship was. Don’t expect me to be something more to you. I have the right to do what I want when I want. Don’t fall in love with me and don’t beg me to stay. You said you wouldn’t so you better not go back on your word.”

  His attitude changed so quickly it was hard to understand. “That’s not what I’m saying…”

  He continued to stare at me.

  “Slade, what is this? You like having sex with me but you also like…being with me.”

  “Yeah, you’re a really good friend, Trinity. But that doesn’t mean I’m your boyfriend. Don’t get attached to me. I told you I wouldn’t change for you. I specifically warned you.”

  I was getting irritated. “Slade, shut up! I’m not asking for anything. I’m just trying to understand what I mean to you. You do so many thoughtful and romantic things for me. It just seems like I mean more to you than you let on…but then you sleep with someone else.”

  He rubbed his hands together then averted his gaze. His breathing had increased, like he was in fight or flight mode. He said nothing for a long time. Silence stretched for several minutes. I assumed he wouldn’t say anything at all. “Trinity, you mean nothing to me.” He looked me square in the eye. “I know we’re friends and I know we care about each other…but that’s as far as this goes. Do you understand me?”

  Did I?

  “I’m not the right guy for you. You need a man that will treat you right. That’s not me. And it will never be me. I need to know you understand that. Because I can’t deal with the stress or the pressure.”

  His words hurt me more than I expected. I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I understand.”

  “I will sleep with whoever I want whenever I want. You have the same freedom. So don’t analyze my actions or behaviors. I promise you, you’ll never figure me out.”

  “Okay.”

  He turned back to the TV. “Do you want to watch it?”

  I couldn’t care less what we did. My mind was elsewhere. “Sure.”

  Slade got comfortable on the couch then motioned for me to lay on his chest. For a moment, it felt awkward. We were going to pretend like we didn’t just have that conversation. We were going to pretend like he didn’t just sleep with someone. And then it hit me.