Having You Is Never Enough Read online

  “But I can’t change the past…and I didn’t know I’d feel this way about her.”

  “Which is why he’s upset. He’s not stupid, Slade. He knows exactly what you were doing with his daughter before you actually starting giving a damn about her. And honestly, if someone I considered a son had done that to my daughter…I wouldn’t be happy either.”

  I was never going to come up for air.

  He gripped my shoulder. “I’m not going to give you false promises and say everything is going to be okay. I have no idea it’s going to be okay. But I know you have a lot of work to do if you ever want it to be okay.”

  “Thanks for the comfort,” I said sarcastically.

  He smiled. “But I have faith in your, Son. I know you’re complicated and confusing. I know there’s a more to you than you let people see. Everyone says Cayson is perfect, but you’re so much more than that. I’ve never been prouder of you. You turned out exactly as I hoped.”

  “Really…?” I always thought the opposite, that I was just reckless and a waste of potential.

  He nodded. “People construe your actions as mistakes. But I don’t think they’re mistakes. You live your life the way you want, diving head first and thinking later. And you know what I think?”

  “What?”

  “That every decision you’ve ever made has only brought you closer to what you really want. Most people are too scared to take risks. You aren’t. And look what it got you.”

  “Buried six feet under,” I said bitterly.

  “No, the greatest love you’ve ever known.” He studied my face for a while. “You remind me so much of myself. And I turned out okay. For the longest time I thought I wasn’t good enough. But in the end, I turned out to be just fine.”

  Somehow, he made me feel better even with brutal truths. “Thanks, Dad.”

  “I love you, Son.” He pulled me in for a hug. “Call me if you need to talk…and drink.”

  I laughed as I pulled away. “I’ll take you up on that second offer.”

  My dad walked to his truck and got inside.

  I stayed on the sidewalk, wishing he wouldn’t leave me.

  Chapter Ten

  Trinity

  My first memories of my father took place in his office. I watched him work on his computer, fill out paperwork, talk on the phone, and speak to his employees. He was always respectful and nice to his workers, but he was different in meetings. Whether he was working on contracts or business, he was different. Both him and Uncle Sean were sharks in the darkest part of the ocean, swimming around their prey but not striking until it was the right moment.

  And even then, they only took a single bite, preferring to let their prey bleed to death just because they could.

  My dad changed, becoming aggressive and cold. He was calculating and intelligent, never giving anything away until the right moment. He was an opponent unbeatable physically and intellectually.

  As the years passed, I understood him even more. While he had a hard exterior, and when it came to my mother, bother, and myself, he was straight-up frightening, it was only a façade. When he was home with us, his family, he was a completely different. He was thoughtful, sweet, funny, and caring. He lived for us and always showed us how much he appreciated us. And he gave my mom a look I didn’t understand until Slade had given it to me, of profound love that would never dissolve.

  He wasn’t just my father, but my friend. We did things together, talked about things, and formed a bong that was undeniable but indescribable at the same time. I knew him better than almost anyone, beside my mom and Uncle Sean. And recognizing his thoughts even though he was silent, understanding his moods with just a movement or a look, led me to have an unshakeable foundation of who my father was.

  And right now, he was pissed.

  He didn’t say it, but I could see it in his eyes. His movements were rigid and tense, like he wanted to punch something but somehow restrained himself. The news of Slade hadn’t been received well, and in fact, I feared he hated the man I loved. While I understood him so well, I couldn’t read his thoughts. I didn’t know what he was thinking. I waited for him to say something to me, to address what was getting under his skin, but he never did. Since Slade was always by my side, the opportunity for an intimate conversation never arose.

  So I waited.

  And waited.

  Perhaps he was scared to stress me out. Maybe he was so relieved I was okay that he didn’t have the heart to yell at me, to get into an argument that would leave us both feeling weak and hopeless.

  The worst part of this situation was the obvious pain he was in. He hated seeing me in a wheelchair, unable to use my leg. He hated seeing the tubes in my body, the way the nurse had to give me morphine every few hours so I could stand the pain, the way I lay helpless in a bed, unable to move.

  He hated the fact he couldn’t fix it.

  And I hated myself for putting him through. I should have just slept at the house and waited until morning. My father’s advice was always best and I should have listened to it.

  But I also knew he was hurting because I lied to his face.

  I lied to him.

  And I loathed myself for that.

  The conversation could happen at any time but my dad didn’t seem to be ready. I knew he would be angry, and he was internalizing it and trying to dissipate it on his own before he turned it on me. While he wanted to vent his frustration and pain, he didn’t want to frighten me.

  And my dad was a frightening man. If I saw him alone in a dark alley, I’d get the hell out of there. Even without a weapon, he was formidable. His eyes and darkness were always intimidating to other people, but they didn’t know like my family did. It was all an act. But if he was really pissed, that side of him would come out.

  Slade took care of me like he said he would, and he was doing a great job. He was sat together on the couch while the TV was on. I flipped through my homework and tried to catch up on everything I’d missed.

  A blanket rested on both of us and his arm was around my shoulders. The companionable silence was nice. It was much better than listening to a monitor beep every few seconds and nurses come and go every hour.

  “Can I get you anything?” he asked quietly.

  “No. Unless you can do my homework for me.”

  He smirked. “You’ll get an F on everything.”

  “At this point, I don’t care.”

  He ran his fingers through my hair, comforting me.

  My face had returned to normal and the bruising and swelling had gone down. But I was sick of using a wheelchair for everything. I just wanted to walk again, to go on a run in the morning like I used to.

  “You’re doing great, baby.” He pressed his lips into my hair. “It’ll be over before you know it.”

  I tried to stay positive but sometimes it was difficult.

  “Just remember that it could have been a lot worse…”

  He was right. My outcome could have been fatal. “I know…” I pushed my homework aside, sick of working on it all day. Then I cuddled in his side, relishing the warmth and protection it brought.

  “Ready for bed?” he asked quietly.

  I was but I didn’t want to admit it.

  “I’ll take that as a yes.” He moved to pick me up.

  “Don’t.”

  He stilled then sat back down, confusion in his eyes. “Trin, what’s wrong?”

  “I just feel demoralized every time you carry me…”

  His eyes softened. “Baby, this isn’t permanent.”

  “I know…I still feel weak and useless.”

  He grabbed my chin and forced me to look at him. “That isn’t true and you know it.”

  Every time he carried me to the bathroom I wanted to die in humiliation. I closed my eyes, trying to block it out.

  “Look at me,” he commanded.

  I opened my eyes again.

  “I like taking care of you.” Sincerity shined in his eyes. “And I will alway
s take care of you. One day when I fall off my motorcycle, you’re going to do this for me, and you’ll see what I mean.”

  “Wait…what motorcycle?”

  “When I get my Harley.” He said it like we already had this conversation.

  “Uh, no. You aren’t getting a motorcycle.” Those things were too damn dangerous.

  He smirked. “Are you bossing me around now?”

  “You bet your ass I am. I’ll slap the shit out of you if you get on one.”

  Affection shined in his eyes. “But I like it when you slap me…”

  “But I’ll slap you hard…”

  “Ooh, even better.”

  I hit him on the arm playfully. “I mean it. No motorcycle.”

  “I don’t let someone boss me around…” He pressed his face close to mine. “But since you’re so damn cute, I guess I’ll let this one slide.”

  My heart melted into a puddle on the floor, and my earlier shame was forgotten. Slade made me feel things I only saw in books and movies. Butterflies flew in my stomach and I wanted him more and more with every passing day.

  He lifted me from the couch then carried me to bed. After he changed my clothes and pulled off his own, we lay in bed together. I had to lie on my back because of my leg but I preferred sleeping on my side.

  Slade cuddled beside me, his arm around my stomach and his face in my neck. He had brought the rest of his belongings to my house and now he was here all the time until I got better. I didn’t mind because I loved being with him every second of the day anyway. But when my father came tomorrow, I knew Slade would have to leave during the night. My father wouldn’t allow him to say, and it would make him too uncomfortable to let us sleep together in my bedroom while he stayed on the couch. I wasn’t looking forward to it.

  “Slade?”

  “Baby?” he whispered in my ear.

  “Make love to me.”

  He flinched at my request then leaned over me. “Trinity, I can’t. I would love to but I can’t.”

  “Why?” Was it because of my leg? Or the distant cuts on my body?

  “I can’t risk hurting your leg. It needs to heel. I’m sorry.”

  I hadn’t had him in weeks and it was driving me crazy. I missed him, and I knew he missed me. If I didn’t satisfy him, would he resent me? Would he leave? The initial foundation of our relationship had been sex. What would we be without it?

  “I have Vaseline in the bathroom…”

  He cocked an eyebrow. “To do what with?”

  “Rub one out for you…” I sat up and leaned on one elbow.

  “Trin, I’m not thirteen anymore.”

  “Well, if you are on top, I could give you head.”

  He stared at me like I was crazy. “Don’t worry about it. I’m fine.”

  “Is it because of my leg…you aren’t attracted to me?”

  His eyes filled with anger. “No, not in the slightest. I just don’t need sex from you. You think I’m going to leave if I don’t get it? Is that what you’re implying? Because when I said I loved you, I meant it. You don’t owe me a damn thing, Trinity. After almost losing you, being able to sleep with you every night is keeping me sane. I don’t need anything else. Having you in my arms is enough. I’m in so much pain since you’re in pain, and sex isn’t appetizing to me at all.”

  Guilt was welling up inside me.

  He lay back down and forced me to lay with him. “This is what I need, Trinity…to have you in my arms.”

  “I’m sorry…I just know what kind of guy you are.”

  “No, what kind of guy I used to be. He’s dead, Trinity.”

  Moments like this made me feel lighter than air. Knowing he loved me, cherished me, made everything seem right in the world. I remembered everything he said to me on this journey, that I shouldn’t expect him to change and I meant nothing to him. Everything was different now and I loved it.

  He tightened his hold on me. “Baby?”

  “Hmm?”

  “I’m sorry for everything I said to you in the past. I said a lot of mean and hurtful things…I just want you to know that.”

  “I’m sorry too.”

  He kissed my neck. “I’ll never take you for granted again.”

  “I know, Slade.”

  His warm breath fell on my neck. “He’s coming tomorrow?” The sorrow was in his voice.

  “Yeah,” I whispered.

  “And he hasn’t said anything to you?”

  “No…you?”

  “No.”

  “Maybe I should bring it up to him,” I said with a sigh. “This conversation will have to happen eventually.”

  “And I’m dreading it. He’s pretty upset.”

  “I know.” I hated thinking about the look in his eyes.

  “Trinity…what if he doesn’t accept me? What if he refuses your relationship with me…and asks you to leave me?”

  I held his hand in mine. “I won’t leave you, Slade. We’re in this together, remember?”

  He nodded into my neck. “Good, because I can’t live without you.”

  He made me melt again. “Neither can I.”

  ***

  My dad walked inside with his bag over his shoulder. He looked at me then at Slade, clearly irritated he was there. His jaw was clenched and his shoulders were tense.

  Slade picked up on the threat. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” He kissed me on the cheek.

  “Okay.” I grabbed his face and gave him a closed-mouth kiss on the lips.

  He accepted it then quickly stepped away, knowing he wasn’t welcome. “Call me if you need me.”

  “Okay.”

  “Good night.” He walked passed my father. “Good night, sir.” Slade had never addressed anyone by that title before. He was working hard to ease the tension with my dad, but it wasn’t doing any good.

  Like he hadn’t seen him or heard him, my dad walked passed him then left his bag on the counter.

  Slade sighed then shut the door.

  Once he was gone and his car left the driveway, my dad was in a subtly better mood. “How are you feeling, honey?”

  “Good.” I was sitting on the couch with a blanket over my legs. “How about you?”

  He didn’t answer the question. “Did you take all your meds?”

  “Yes.” Slade was on top of it.

  “Is your leg okay? Does it hurt?”

  “No, the vicodin does wonders.”

  “Are you hungry?”

  I tried to be patient and not let the plethora of questions annoy me. “No, I’m fine. Sit down and relax.”

  He pulled off his shoes then sunk into the other couch, still wearing his suit. He must have just gotten off work. “Your mother sends her love.”

  “I talked to her for two hours today.” I chuckled when I remembered the conversation. “It was impossible to get her off the phone.”

  “She’s just worried.”

  ‘There’s nothing to worry about. I’m okay.”

  He crossed his foot at the knee then undid the button of his jacket.

  “How was work?”

  “Fine.” He seemed tense.

  “Is there something on your mind?” I tried prodding him into the conversation.

  “I’m suing the truck driver that hit you.” He said it without emotion.

  “What? Why?”

  “Because he always killed you,” he said with bitterness.

  “It was an accident,” I argued. “Was he drunk?”

  “No.”

  “Then he just lost control of the truck. The roads were wet and slippery. It wasn’t his fault.”

  “If he isn’t a good driver then he shouldn’t be a fucking truck driver.” His voice was low but it was clear he was angry by the use of the curse word.

  “Dad, I’m going to be okay and no one died. Don’t sue him.”

  He stared at the TV, no longer participating in the conversation.

  “And what are you suing him for? You have all the money in the world.”
>
  “I’m suing him for everything he has,” he said bitterly. “I’m going to ruin his life.”

  I didn’t like this side of him—at all. “I will never forgive you if you do that.”

  He looked at me, the anger still brewing.

  “I know you’re upset…about a lot of things…but that isn’t the solution. You will not go through with it and you’ll drop that suit. I mean it.”

  “You almost died, Trinity. The paramedic said you were barely alive when he got there. You lost so much blood that it was a miracle you survived.”

  “He didn’t do it on purpose.”

  He rested his hand on his thigh. “I can deal with anything that comes my way and have the grace to let it go, but when it comes to my kids and my wife, I show no mercy.”

  “And a man who doesn’t show mercy isn’t a man at all,” I snapped.

  His head turned to me, his eyes raging.

  “Dad, you will drop that suit. Or I’ll never speak to you again.”

  He ground his teeth together. “It’s not like I mean anything to you anyway…”

  Here it comes. The talk I’d been dreading had finally arrived. And it was going to be terrible. “You know that isn’t true. Don’t say that again.” He was being childish and immature, something he never did.

  “You lied to my damn face!” His face turned red in anger. “You looked me in the eye and made me believe you were being honest with me. And then you have the nerve to throw a fit when I interfered with your love life. If I’d know about Slade, I wouldn’t have gone to Reid in the first place! So it’s your damn fault.”

  “I knew how you would react and I didn’t want to deal with it.” I wished I could walk so I could stand on my own two feet while I butted heads with him.

  “Then if you knew I wouldn’t take it well, why did do you do it? Trinity, what the hell were you thinking?”

  “I wasn’t thinking,” I argued. “And I’m glad I didn’t.” I didn’t regret the decision I made or how I ended up where I was. Slade me made me happier than I could ever imagine.. He broke my heart along the way, but we he made up for it and now we were stronger than before.”