Ray of Life Read online

  When he held me this close, I forgot about all the pain between us. All I felt was the closeness, the goodness. He used to hold me like this all the time, and whenever he did, I knew everything would be okay.

  Maybe everything would be okay.

  10

  Ryker

  I texted Austen. Let’s get grub tonight—and eat naked.

  The three dots appeared, followed by her disappointing answer. Already have plans. How about tomorrow?

  She was seeing him two nights in a row? What the hell? I saw her three days in a row, but I just assumed that meant she liked spending time with me. But it seemed like she liked spending time with him just as much.

  Shit.

  Tomorrow works. I had to keep my cool and pretend to be okay with this nightmare, but I was losing my grip on sanity. She had a thirty-day window to make her decision, and I was beginning to think I gave her too much time. I had to just brush it off and pretend to be indifferent to the whole thing.

  Which was fucking hard.

  I’ll see you then.

  I read her last message with a jolt of pain then called Madeline.

  “Hello, Ryker,” she said with her definitively cool voice. “I figured you would be calling soon.”

  “What’s the dirt?”

  “It’s both good and bad.”

  I wish I could just hear the good stuff and forget the bad stuff ever happened. “Hit me.”

  “Good stuff is, she said she forgives him but she still feels the pain. It comes back and haunts her all the time. She’s not sure if she’ll ever really get over it. The expensive wedding dress her mother bought her is still sitting in her closet. She bought it the day she came home and caught Nathan. She said she just can’t forget those kinds of memories…”

  I stared at my TV in the living room without paying attention to what was on. Once I heard Madeline tell me that, I felt like shit. It was one of the lowest sensations in the world, the kind of pain that felt heavy in the pit of my stomach. She had a special day with her mom picking out her wedding dress, something women dreamed about their entire lives, and Nathan was screwing Lily on their bed? It was so despicable I thought it couldn’t be real.

  “But then she says she still loves him…and can’t let it go. So she doesn’t know what to do. She likes spending time with him because they have fun and those feelings are still there, but she’s afraid at the same time.”

  My patience was disappearing, and my anger was rising. I wanted Austen to pick me because she wanted me, but now I wanted to murder Nathan so he wasn’t in the running at all. She wasn’t my girl, but I looked at her like she was. And this fucking asshole hurt my girl.

  “Ryker?”

  “I’m still here…”

  “You’ve been quiet for a while.”

  “I hate Nathan even more now. I can’t believe he did that to her.”

  “I know. I can’t believe it either. The wedding dress is still in her closet. I saw it the other week.”

  She probably felt bad getting rid of it because it cost so much money, but she could never wear it again, even if she did marry Nathan. It would only remind her of that terrible day when she found out the truth. “I can’t let him win.”

  “I know.”

  “She deserves so much better than him. I’m not saying I’m perfect, but I would never pull something like that.”

  “I know that too,” she said.

  “They’re hanging out tonight?”

  “Getting dinner.”

  When I pictured her sitting across from him, it made me angry all over. I was grateful we agreed to no sex because that would make everything worse. If she was fucking him, I couldn’t handle it. The thought of them kissing was already painful enough, but anything more than that would make me shoot my brains out.

  “What’s your plan?”

  “I don’t have one. I’ve just been myself so far, but maybe that isn’t good enough.”

  “It is,” she said firmly. “Let Austen run her course with Nathan. It’s one of those things you just have to do. Let her see what it would be like with Nathan again. She’ll realize it can never be anything like it was before, and she’ll finally move on.”

  “Yeah, maybe.”

  “Don’t worry about it, Ryker. I don’t think anything could ever really happen.”

  “What makes you so sure?” I was wealthy and not bad to look at, but my skills didn’t extend beyond that.

  “She’s pretty close with her parents. She has her complaints because she knows they love Liam more than her, but she hates disappointing them. They would never welcome Nathan back into their lives. They wouldn’t necessarily be rude to him, but they would definitely tell her it was a mistake.”

  That’s true. No parent would be cool with that. “You’re right. That could be my saving grace.”

  “Not to mention, Liam would never be on board with it. Neither will Jared or Jenn. Like I said, let her get this out of her system. She’s been heartbroken for the last three years trying to find herself. This will give her the closure that she needs.”

  I hated being patient like this because I was an impatient man, but I understood what Madeline was saying.

  “She’s lucky you’re still fighting for her.”

  I didn’t think twice before I blurted out the first thing that came to my mind. “We’re supposed to be together. Of course I’m going to fight for her.”

  I prepped everything and began cooking when I knew she would arrive soon. From what I gathered from Madeline, Nathan never cooked for her. That was something I could beat him at. Nothing was more romantic for a woman than having a man cook for her. It was a nice change of roles.

  She knocked on the door.

  I felt a jolt of nerves run through my body, something I didn’t usually feel. It was rare for me to ever feel nervous around anyone for any reason, but Austen gave me a little dose of anxiety. Maybe it was because I was scared I was going to lose, or maybe it was because I was just excited to see her.

  Whatever the case, I knew she was special to me.

  I washed my hands before I answered the door. I plastered on a smile and tried to forget that Nathan existed at all. When she was in my apartment, there was nothing that existed outside of that door. It was just her and me—against the world.

  I opened the door and looked down at the beautiful woman who captured my complete affection. With blue eyes that reminded me of the Virgin Islands and a smile that could light up the darkest sky, she was the most amazing thing in the world. “Hey.”

  Her features slowly changed, her joy growing until it reached every inch of her face. Sometimes I saw her smile at people when she met them, trying to be polite and make a good impression. But I could tell that smile was fake. I could tell it was just a front, a mask. But when she smiled at me like that, like how she was right then and there, I knew it was genuine. I knew she felt the same excitement deep inside her gut that I felt. “Hey.”

  My arms circled her waist and I pulled her into my chest, my mouth aching to kiss hers. I loved the shape of her body, the deep curve in her back that led to her petite torso. I loved the spot right underneath her shoulder blades. I cradled her into me and explored her mouth with mine. I didn’t think about her kissing Nathan over the past few days. When we were together, it was just the two of us.

  One hand migrated into her hair, and I felt the soft strands that slid past my fingertips. Smooth as silk and heavy with vanilla, her hair was a major turn on. I loved finding it on my pillow, my couch, and around my cock. Other people might complain about the strands sprinkled all over the apartment, but I adored them.

  I backed her up into the door and kissed her harder, forgetting about the chicken on the stove. My hands gripped hers and I pinned them against the wood, our fingertips interlocked. I’d fucked her right against this door before, her legs wrapped around my waist. As much as I wanted to do that, I kept my cock in my pants—even though he was about to break through my zipper.
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  Our tongues moved together as we tasted each other, greeting each other in the most intimate way possible. Kissing was sexier than fucking sometimes. It was personal, invading. Long make out sessions weren’t my thing, not since high school, but they were awesome with Austen.

  But it made me want to fuck her too.

  I pulled away and looked into her face, my chest rising and falling from my heavy breathing. I missed the way she used to come over and we got right down to business. I took our relationship for granted and knew how much I missed it now that it was gone.

  I shouldn’t have been such an idiot.

  My hand finally released her hair, and I stepped away. “Hungry?”

  “Definitely.”

  I suspected she was hungry for more than food, but since there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it, I held back my dirty comment. I walked to the stove and flipped the meat just before it burned. The vegetables were sautéing, and the rice was almost done.

  “Need a hand?”

  “Mine has been working pretty well.” I winked and sprinkled more oil over the pan. “Not as good as you though.”

  She smiled when she understood my meaning. “I guess I should have been more specific. Is there anything I can do to help with dinner?”

  “Nah. Take a seat and drink some wine.”

  She sat on one of the barstools at the counter and poured herself a glass. She stirred the contents before she took a drink. “Pretty good.”

  “Thanks. I got it for a nickel.”

  She chuckled. “A BevMo sale?”

  “Yep.” I tossed the chicken in the pan until it was cooked thoroughly then got the plates ready. I set her plate in front of her and took the seat across from her. I had a dining table, but we never used it. I think I used it one time with Cheyenne, but that was it. It was more for decoration than anything else. When I bought this place, my interior designer picked out everything. She never asked for my opinion because I told her not to bother. I couldn’t care less what the place looked like as long as it was masculine. “I bought one bottle and got a few for nearly free. Life is good.”

  “The little things in life makes us happy.”

  “Yes, the very little things.” I stirred my chicken and rice together before I placed a few pieces in my mouth. I looked across the counter to the beautiful woman sharing a meal with me. I purposely wore a shirt so I wouldn’t have to torture her by making her look at my physique. She always had a thing for my shoulders and pecs. “How do you like your food?”

  “It’s awesome, like everything else you make.”

  As cheesy as it was, I winked. “I’m the whole package.”

  She didn’t laugh, a serious look on her face as she kept eating. “You really are.”

  I took another bite but lost my appetite. All I wanted to do was get naked with this woman and wear my heart on my sleeve. I wanted Nathan to be a thing of the past and for me to be her future.

  I’d give anything to change things.

  “You’re the whole package too,” I said. “You’ve got the personality, the humor, and not to mention, the sexiness.”

  “The sexiness? I’m the least sexy person ever.”

  “What the hell are you talking about?” I stabbed my fork into my chicken and raised an eyebrow.

  “Come on, I told you how I fell in the breakroom at work.”

  “Happens to the best of us.”

  “And you know how I am with any kind of fry.”

  I shrugged. “We all have our weaknesses. Plus, all those things are responsible for your sexiness.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah. You’re real.”

  Her eyes softened before she looked down at her food. She pushed it around with her fork before she took another bite. “You’re sweet.”

  “No. Just honest.”

  She stirred her food around before she took another bite. “How was your day?”

  “Good. Yours?” I didn’t ask what she did with Nathan because I didn’t want to know. Madeline covered the major highlights that I needed to know. I needed to focus on getting Austen to understand her feelings for Nathan were just a mix of nostalgia and confusion. There was no way she could take him back after what he did. Zeke made a stupid mistake, but it was out of character. He would never do anything like that again. Plus, he was drunk and heartbroken. Nathan was just a stupid asshole who couldn’t keep his dick in his pants.

  “Good. Just work. We had pizza in the break room for lunch. That was cool.”

  “Awesome.”

  “But I hate it when they give us food because I eat it. And my hips get bigger.”

  “They get sexier, is what you mean.” It was easy to flatter her because my cheesy lines were true. She was painfully beautiful and undeniably perfect.”

  “I wish bigger was always better, but that’s not true in my case.”

  She’d be sexy at any size. “How’s Liam? I haven’t talked to him lately.”

  “I haven’t talked to him much either.”

  Probably because she was spending all her time with Nathan.

  “Jared has been sleeping around a lot. I know it’s because he can’t tell Maddie how he feels.”

  “Why not?” I asked.

  “Her and Liam seem pretty serious. He missed his chance.”

  “He told you that?”

  She nodded. “Yeah. I know he really cares for her. It’s too bad things didn’t work out.”

  “You prefer her with your brother?”

  She shrugged. “That’s hard to answer. Liam is kind of an ass when it comes to women, but he’s different with her. I think he’s pretty serious. I wish things had worked out for Jared, but if my brother and friend are happy, then I’m happy.”

  “Poor guy.” I hoped I didn’t end up like him.

  “I’m sure he’ll meet another amazing woman. They’re everywhere.”

  “Uh, no,” I said with a laugh. “There are women everywhere, but not amazing ones. You’re one in a million.”

  “I don’t know about that statistic. Maddie is awesome, and so is Jenn. Boom, that’s two chicks right there.”

  I shook my head. “Your friends are cool, but they’ve got nothing on you.”

  She finished her plate, wiping it clean. “I think Madeline is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. When she dances…she’s stunning.”

  I smiled when I listened to her describe her friend. “You’ve got a little crush on her?”

  “I guess a girl crush.”

  “Because you totally have my blessing to give that a go.”

  She chuckled. “If I were a man, she’d be my first pick. But I’m a woman, and I’m straighter than a rod.”

  “You’re straight for my rod.” I waggled my eyebrows.

  She was about to drink her wine when she laughed instead. “That’s the worst line I’ve ever heard.”

  “Trust me, it’s not the worst. I can do better than that.”

  “Geez, I hope not.”

  I grabbed the plates and set them in the sink. “You wanna watch something?”

  “Sure.” She moved to the couch with her glass of wine.

  I grabbed my own and took the seat directly beside her. It was just her and me in my dimly lit apartment. I set my glass on the end table and wrapped my arm around her shoulders. “What are you in the mood for?”

  “A make out session.”

  The remote was in my hand, and I hit the power button. It took me a second to realize what she said. “Yeah?”

  She moved her hand up my chest, feeling the muscled grooves of my body. She leaned into me and pressed her lips to mine, her hair brushing against my neck. She just told me she was the least sexy person in the world, but she was proving how wrong she was. Her hand moved to my shoulder, and she gripped the muscle tightly, her breathing increasing as well as her excitement.

  I wasn’t sure what was on the TV, but I dropped the remote and listened to it hit the hardwood floor. I guided her down again
st the couch, her back hitting the cushions. Her hands circled my neck, and she wrapped her legs around my waist.

  If she were any other woman, I would be frustrated by the foreplay. I usually wanted to get down to business as quickly as possible, straight fucking and no talking. I could make a woman wet in less than a minute.

  But I loved kissing Austen.

  It didn’t matter if it didn’t go anywhere. It didn’t matter that I wouldn’t get laid. Just being with her was enough for me, to feel her luscious curves pressed against my body. With Austen, it was about more than sex. It was about the two of us together, our tongues moving together like we’d been doing this all our lives.

  I should have known she was different the first time I kissed her. I should have known whatever this was was special. I shouldn’t have played games and kept her at a distance. The instant I recognized she meant something to me, I should have done whatever I could to keep her.

  But I fucked up.

  If she ever gave me another chance, I wouldn’t fuck up again.

  Ever.

  11

  Austen

  I’d never been so confused in my life.

  Every time I was with Ryker, I knew he was the man I wanted to be with. He was the perfect man, minus the fact he was still in love with his ex. He had a good heart, a great sense of humor, and his body was out of this world.

  If he wasn’t still hung up on Rae, I’d probably pick him.

  But he was.

  And I still had a thing for Nathan. I went back and forth with him, sometimes wanting to be with him and sometimes wanting to push him away. Sometimes I thought I was just chasing what we used to have. Before he cheated, we had an incredible relationship. He was my best friend and the best lay I’d ever had.

  But that was in the past.

  Now I was in the present, and I had to make a decision about my future. Whatever man I picked, I’d probably spend the rest of my life with him.

  So I needed to choose wisely.

  I just got off work when Madeline texted me. Muffin Girl?

  I could always go for a coffee after work. Sure. Meet you there in 5. I walked a few blocks before I found her sitting at the picnic table. She already had two iced coffees and blueberry muffins.