A Hole in My Heart Read online

  “Didn’t you move in with Alex after dating her for a few months?” I snapped.

  “It’s only temporary. She has no where else to go.”

  “Well, we share the same fortune.”

  He regarded me seriously. “Is everything okay?”

  “No, not really. But I don’t have time to talk about it now.”

  Theo grabbed my arm before I could walk away. “Seriously, what’s going on?”

  I tore away from his grasp. “Later.” I walked out and finished carrying everything else.

  When everything was inside, we walked with Theo down to his truck.

  “Thank you for your help,” Rome said. “We appreciate it.”

  “Yeah.” That was all I had to say.

  “Anytime,” he said. “Let me know if you need anything else.” He got into his truck and pulled away.

  Rome looked at her watch. “I need to get Lizzie.”

  “Can I come?” I asked.

  “Sure. Are you ready to meet her?”

  “I’m excited to meet her.”

  She crossed her arms over her chest and gave me a serious look. “I never got the impression you were particularly fond of kids.”

  “Did you ever get the impression I disliked them?”

  “Well, no.”

  “Then don’t worry about it.” I put my arm around her then guided her to my car.

  Rome was unusually quiet, probably thinking about that piece of shit husband of hers. Even though she left the horrible place, I knew she was still scared.

  “I’m right here,” I said. “There’s nothing to be frightened of.”

  She nodded but kept looking out the window. “I just hope he doesn’t find me. He knows where I work. He’ll just track me down there.”

  “We’ll carpool every day,” I said. “He won’t be able to get to you through me.”

  “And I hope he doesn’t try to pick up Lizzie before I get to her.”

  “I’ll make sure I get there early.” I rested my hand on her thigh.

  We reached the school then entered the building. I was nervous to meet her daughter. I hoped she would like me and not be frightened of me. After the father she had, she probably assumed all men were the same.

  A small girl headed toward us when she recognized her mom. “Mommy, you’re late!”

  “I’m sorry, sweetie.” She bent down and hugged her hard. She held her for a long time, her hand in Lizzie’s hair.

  Lizzie was a tiny version of Rome. She had the same brown hair that had a slight curl to it. And she inherited her mother’s eyes, breathtaking and glorious. They were large, shaped like almonds. Her skin had the same complexion, flawless and unreal. She was beautiful.

  Lizzie turned those large eyes on me. “Mom, who’s he?” She noticed I was staring at her intently.

  Rome stood up then placed her hand on my forearm. “This is Thomas. He’s a wonderful man. We’re going to live with him for a while.”

  I kneeled down so I was eye level with her. “It’s nice to meet you, Lizzie.” I touched her arm affectionately while I smiled at her. Then I dropped the touch.

  She stared at me like she’d never seen a human before. “No more Daddy?”

  “No more Daddy,” Rome said quietly.

  Lizzie turned to her mom and tried to whisper. “Is he mean to you too?”

  God, this was killing me. She was only six and she understood her father hurt her mother on purpose. It was too much to handle.

  “No,” Rome said immediately. “He’s nice to everyone. He never hurts me.”

  Lizzie looked at me again. “Will you hurt me?”

  I wanted to murder her father in cold blood. There would be no guilt or remorse. He shouldn’t be walking on this earth. He should be annihilated. “Never.”

  Lizzie seemed to believe me. “Okay, Tom.”

  No one ever called me that, but this angel could call me whatever she wanted. “Are you ready to go?”

  She nodded.

  I stood up and let Rome grab her hand. The three of us walked to the car together. I watched them out of the corner of my eye, looking at their interaction together. Lizzie kept looking up at her mom, excitement in her eyes. “I’m excited.”

  “Excited for what, sweetie?” Rome asked.

  “To never see Daddy again.”

  Rome gave her a smile. “Me too.”

  Chapter Eleven

  Arsen

  My weekend with Abby arrived, and I couldn’t control the excitement twitching in every muscle and vein. I got to spend two entire days with her. There was a butterfly museum that just opened up, and I was considering taking her there. I wanted to take her to Funworks too. There was so much to do and so little time.

  At six on Friday evening, I showed up at Lydia’s door. I was right on time, punctual like always.

  Lydia opened the door and gave me a smile. “Are you ever late?”

  “Yes, but not for my daughter,” I said honestly.

  “Good answer.” She opened the door wider and allowed me inside. “Abby, your father is here to pick you up!”

  Abby ran out of her room with her backpack and the stuffed pony I got her. “I’m ready!” She looked up at me like she couldn’t believe I was real. Then she ran into my legs and hugged my knees.

  I chuckled then ran my fingers through her soft strands.

  “I have rules. Break them, and this will never happen again.” Lydia gave me a silent death threat.

  “What are they?”

  “I want to speak to her every night before bed.”

  “Done.”

  “And she needs to be in bed by nine.”

  “We can manage that.”

  “You don’t take her anywhere without my approval.”

  “Okay,” I said. “Tomorrow we’re going to the butterfly museum. Is that okay?”

  Abby jumped up and down. “Butterflies!”

  “That’s okay,” Lydia said. “Anywhere else?”

  “Funworks.”

  “That’s okay too.”

  “I also wanted to take her to Ryan’s for dinner. Is that okay?”

  She considered it for a moment. “I suppose. But you are the only one allowed to watch her. They can’t babysit for you.”

  “I want all the time I can get with her anyway.”

  She seemed satisfied with the response. “Then have fun.”

  “Thank you, Lydia. I really appreciate it. I know this wasn’t easy for you.”

  She crossed her arms over her chest. “You made it easy, Arsen. You’re a much different man than I used to know.”

  “Thank you,” I said sincerely.

  Lydia kneeled down then hugged Abby. “I’ll see you on Sunday.”

  “Bye, Mommy.”

  “I love you.”

  “Love you too, Mommy.” Abby turned to me then grabbed my hand. “Let’s go!”

  I chuckled then picked her up. “Let the fun begin.”

  ***

  I called Ryan after we got to my apartment.

  “What’s up, kid?” he said when he answered.

  “Guess who I’m spending the weekend with.”

  “Beyoncé?”

  I held back my laugh. “Abby. I get her all weekend.”

  “Sweet,” he said. “What are you guys going to do?”

  “I got a lot lined up tomorrow. She’ll be tired out, that’s for sure.”

  “You got plans tonight?” he asked.

  “No, I was actually seeing if you want to get together. I want you guys to meet her.”

  “We’d love to,” Ryan said. “How about you come over here for dinner. Janice is making burgers. Abby eats that, right? Sorry, I haven’t had a kid in like twenty years.”

  I chuckled. “She can eat that.”

  “Alright. Head over.”

  “Where are we going?” Abby asked.

  “To see my family.”

  “Family?” she asked. “That means I have more family too?”

 
I gave her a smile. “You do.”

  ***

  When we entered Ryan’s apartment, Abby immediately turned to Ryan. Her eyes were wide while she stared up at him, like she was amazed by his presence.

  I chuckled then rested my hand on her shoulder. “Guys, this is my daughter, Abby.”

  Janice covered her mouth and gasped. “She’s adorable.”

  “She looks just like you,” Ryan said with a smile. “But she’s actually cute.”

  Abby became shy and stepped closer to me.

  “It’s okay, sweetheart. They are nice people.”

  Abby walked forward then got close to Ryan. “Who are you?”

  Ryan kneeled down and smiled at her.

  I came closer then touched her shoulder again. “That’s Ryan—”

  “I’m Grandpa.” Ryan extended his arms to her.

  “Grandpa?” she asked with wide eyes. “I have another grandpa?”

  “Yep. Now hug me, kid.”

  Abby jumped into his arms and squealed.

  When Ryan picked her up then shook her from side to side, Abby giggled. Then he held her toward Janice. “And this is your grandma.”

  Abby immediately extended her arms to Janice.

  Janice smiled and her eyes softened. She took Abby into her arms. “You’re such a pretty girl.” She held her close and bounced her up and down slightly. “Ryan, I want another one.”

  Ryan shot me an alarmed look. “Uh, not gonna happen.”

  I laughed at the serious look on his face.

  “Raising Slade was like raising five extra kids.”

  Janice seemed too absorbed in Abby to care about us.

  Ryan turned to me. “Man, she’s cute.”

  “I know,” I said with a proud smile.

  “Are you sure she’s yours?” he teased. He nudged me in the side.

  “You just said she looks just like me.”

  “I was just saying that to make you feel better,” he said with a laugh.

  I watched Janice play with Abby. “I’ve never loved someone so much in all my life.”

  He gripped my shoulder. “You’ve come a long way, kid. Words can never express how proud I am of you. Look at you now and remember where you once were.”

  “I was born in a trench and now I live in a palace.”

  He pointed his finger at me. “Exactly.”

  ***

  Abby sat between Ryan and Janice, and she kept looking at Ryan as he made funny faces.

  I ate quietly and watched their interaction. Now that I was a parent, I believed in Murphy’s Law. What can go wrong will go wrong. I was aware of how close Abby was to the counter, and I made sure the knives were clear of her. When she took a bite of her food, I watched to make sure she didn’t choke. My mind was in overdrive, and I was constantly watching her, never wanting anything to befall her. When she chipped her tooth and was in pain, the adrenaline kicked in and I practically had a panic attack. Having your child be in pain is the worst feeling imaginable.

  “You like your food, Abby?” Janice asked.

  “Yum!” She took another big bite.

  Janice and Ryan both chuckled. They were just as smitten with her as I was. Taking her made me realize I did have a family even if we didn’t share biological bonds. Even though Ryan helped me get back on my feet and I no longer needed his aid, he still spent time with me. We worked out together or played basketball. We would go to the movies and have dinner. He was my family, as far as I was concerned. And that knowledge always made me think of Silke. Was she my family too? When could I talk to her again? When could I tell her about all my accomplishments? When could I pursue her and finally win her over?

  Since Abby was here, I didn’t think it was best to bring it up. I desperately wanted Ryan’s approval to be with his daughter. I’d done everything I possibly could to make up for the man I used to be. I hoped that would be good enough for Ryan.

  ***

  After dinner, we watched TV. Abby lay against my chest and struggled to keep her eyes open. I looked at my watch and realized the time. “We have to get going. Abby’s bedtime is here.” I had half an hour before I had to have her in her bed.

  “Okay.” Ryan walked me out with Janice beside him.

  Abby wrapped her arms around my neck and leaned her head on my shoulder, clearly exhausted.

  “Bye, honey.” Janice kissed her cheek. “We can’t wait to see you again.”

  “Bye, Abby.” Ryan grabbed her hand and squeezed it.

  Abby gave a light wave before we walked out. “Bye, Grandma and Grandpa.”

  Both Ryan and Janice took deep breaths and emotion came into their eyes.

  I smiled then walked out. “Thank you for dinner.”

  “You’re welcome.” Janice stared at me fondly. “Be careful.”

  “Always am.” I turned to Ryan. “Bye.”

  “Bye, kid.” He waved then shut the door.

  When the wood separated us, I heard Janice and Ryan speak.

  “Is she not the cutest thing in the world?” Janice asked.

  “Shit, she’s cuter than our kids used to be.”

  “Ryan! That’s not true.”

  “Come on. Slade was a terror…” Their voices trailed away.

  I smiled then headed home.

  ***

  After I tucked Abby in for bed, my phone rang. Right on the dot, Lydia called.

  “Hello?” I whispered.

  “What’s my little girl doing?”

  “She’s in bed,” I said quietly. “I’m looking at her right now.”

  “Can I talk to her?” she asked.

  “Sure.” I put the phone to Abby’s ear. “Mommy wants to say good night.”

  She grabbed the phone with her eyes half closed. “Night, Mommy.”

  “Did you have a good day with Daddy?” Lydia’s voice was audible.

  “Yeah.” Abby yawned.

  “What did you guys do?”

  “I met Grandma and Grandpa.”

  “Grandma and Grandpa?” she asked.

  “Yeah,” Abby said. “They were so cool.”

  “That’s wonderful, sweetheart. Can I speak to your father now?”

  Abby handed me the phone.

  “It sounds like she had a good time,” Lydia said.

  “I think so.”

  “Well, I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

  “Good night, Lydia.”

  “Good night, Arsen.” She hung up.

  I stuffed my phone into my pocket and watched Abby close her eyes. She pulled her stuffed pony up and cuddled it to her chest. It was hard to watch her and not fall more in love.

  “Daddy?” Her eyes opened slightly.

  “Yes, sweetheart?”

  “Why aren’t you and Mommy together?”

  This was a question I expected. I didn’t know when Abby would ask but I knew it was inevitable. “We’re friends. And we like being friends.”

  “Will you ever get married?” she asked hopefully.

  I hated hearing the longing in her voice. Every child wanted her parents to be together. I felt horrible trading her off with Lydia, having Abby spend the weekend with me only to be returned on Sunday. No child should have to go through it. But I never wanted to give Abby false hope. “No. Your mother and I will always be friends—and nothing more.”

  She looked away and pulled her pony tighter. “Is there something wrong with Mommy?”

  “Not at all. She’s a beautiful girl. I love her as your mother.”

  “But you don’t want to be a family?” she asked.

  “We are a family,” I said firmly. “Your mother and I both love you equally. Just because you spend time with me sometimes doesn’t mean the three of us can’t do stuff together. Don’t worry about that. You have tons of people who love you. And now you met your grandma and grandpa.”

  That seemed to make her feel better because she closed her eyes. “Night, Daddy.”

  “Good night, sweetheart.”

  “
I love you.”

  “I love you too.” I kissed her forehead then walked out, forcing myself to go in my room and not watch her sleep all night.

  ***

  The weekend was over too soon, and I had to return Abby with a heavy heart. I’d give anything to have her stay with me forever. Every time I picked her up, I was so excited to see that beautiful face. But every time I dropped her off…it broke my heart a little bit.

  Abby was tired from the long day, so she went straight to bed. Lydia and I both said good night, and I read one of her favorite stories until she fell asleep. When her eyes were closed and her breathing was deep and even, I put the book down. With a heavy heart, I walked out.

  “Had a good time?” Lydia asked.

  I nodded. “We had too much fun.”

  “You must be worn out.” She crossed her arms over her chest and gave me a smile. Today, she wore a dress and her hair had been curled. Normally, I saw her in jeans and a t-shirt.

  “I’m never worn out with her.”

  Her smile widened. “I’m so glad you’re different, Arsen. Sometimes it’s hard to believe you’re the same person.”

  “It’s hard for me to believe too…” I remembered growing and selling weed, and all the trouble that came with the territory. I was a punk with a motorcycle, only caring about himself and not anyone else around him. “I feel like that was a different life.”

  “Yeah…” She stared at me with fond eyes. They were green and bright.

  The awkwardness set in. Lydia and I were friends, but I never wanted to get too close to her. The only reason I was there was to see my daughter. While I cared about Lydia in a certain way, I would never go out of my way just to see her. “I should go.”

  Lydia moved toward me, like she wanted to say something. “Actually, you want to have dinner tomorrow night?”

  Her tone was different, and so was the look on her face. When she said dinner, did she mean all three of us? Or just she and I? “As much as I want to see Abby, she should probably stay home and concentrate on her homework.”

  “I meant just you and I.” There was a brightness to her eyes.

  Oh no. How do I get out of this? It was a delicate situation. I couldn’t outright reject her. If I ever wounded her pride, she could take Abby away from me. I didn’t want to embarrass her, and I didn’t want to make the situation worse by telling her I was in love with someone else.

  Lydia came closer to me, and before I could understand what was happening, she tried to press her mouth against mine.