To Love Again Read online

  I didn’t make a sound as I listened to him breathe. Feeling the familiar concrete of his chest reminded me of home. His smell came into my nose and I relished the memory of Sunday mornings in his arms. Everything came back to me, and I realized I wanted it even more than I thought I did.

  “When you left…it crushed me. I’ve never felt anything like it.”

  I closed my eyes because I didn’t want to listen to this.

  “It’s the worst pain I’ve ever known. But somehow…this is worse. Cedric doesn’t deserve any of this. He should come out when he’s ready and go home with his parents. He should be held by all of us, not kept away through a glass box…”

  I rubbed his arm and kept my silence.

  “I hate this. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. All I think about is Cedric.”

  “You’re a good uncle,” I whispered.

  “The wait is agonizing, especially when there’s nothing I can do to fix it. My dad and Uncle Sean arranged for the best possible care for him. I just hope that’s enough.”

  “He’ll make it, Conrad.” All I could do was comfort him with my words. I just wish there was more I could do.

  Conrad kept me against his chest and didn’t say anything else for a long time. His arms were locked around me, and I had a feeling I couldn’t get away even if I wanted to.

  He eventually loosened his hold on me. “I’m sorry. Did you come over here for a reason?” When he looked me in the eye there was nothing there. He was hollow just like before.

  “I made dinner and pie for you…I just thought you might be hungry.” That was my lame way of telling him I didn’t have a reason at all. All I had was an excuse.

  “Thanks…”

  “It’s blueberry, your favorite.”

  For the first time, some emotion picked up in his eyes. He was remembering the same thing I thought about every day. The memories we made together would never leave my mind, and I knew they would never leave his. “I’m not hungry right now. Maybe later.”

  “Okay.” I didn’t care if he ate it or not. It was just my ticket to get inside.

  He moved me to the cushion beside him then got up. “I’ll be right back.” He walked into the bathroom and shut the door.

  I stayed there and turned my gaze to the TV. Then I saw something move in my peripheral vision. Apollo came near me next to the couch. He stared at me without blinking. Then he bared his teeth and started to growl.

  Immediately, I pulled my legs up and steered clear of him. He was a retired police dog, and I knew he could rip me apart if he wanted to. He crept closer, the saliva seeping from his exposed lips.

  This dog wanted to kill me.

  Apollo released a ferocious bark, a violent threat.

  I scooted even further away.

  The bathroom door opened and Conrad appeared in the living room. “Apollo.” He didn’t yell but his tone was different. He carried the authority of the Roman Empire. Apollo immediately backed off, closing his mouth and no longer growling.

  “Are you okay?” Conrad asked as he turned to me.

  “I’m fine.”

  “Did he touch you?”

  “No.”

  Conrad turned back to Apollo.

  Apollo scooted back then stopped making eye contact with Conrad, like he knew he did something wrong.

  Conrad crept closer to him, his shoulders rigid and his eyes smoldering with rage. “You know better than that, Apollo.”

  Apollo stared at the rug under the table.

  Conrad kneeled down and got close to his face.

  Apollo purposely looked away.

  “Do that again and I’ll strangle you.”

  Apollo released a high pitch whine.

  “He was just protecting you.” I could tell there was a strong bond between them, a relationship that existed beyond the use of words. Apollo noted the change in Conrad whenever I was near. Some people said animals were stupid but I knew that wasn’t the case. They could feel the emotions in the room. They could sense it.

  “That’s no excuse.” His eyes were still on Apollo. “Do you understand me?”

  Apollo bent his ears back.

  “Good,” Conrad said. “I’m glad we understand each other.”

  I was grateful Conrad didn’t hurt Apollo. While Apollo was terrifying, he was still a good dog.

  Conrad moved back to the couch. “Are you sure you’ll alright?”

  “Yes,” I said. “I think he was just trying to threaten me a little bit.”

  “That better be all he does.” Conrad grabbed the remote and turned on the TV.

  “That dog loves you.”

  Conrad glanced at Apollo and his anger started to fade. “I know he does. I love him too.”

  “He knows I hurt you. He can just tell.”

  Conrad nodded. “I talk about you a lot…”

  I didn’t make fun of him for talking to a dog. “I hope it wasn’t all bad things…”

  “No, there was a lot of good,” Conrad said. “I think that’s why he distrusts you so much.” He leaned back into the couch and didn’t touch me again.

  Conrad was complicated with his emotions. He would show them at rare times, letting his entire soul be seen vividly, and other times he was closed like a clam. He shut me out all over again, looking at the TV like that would dissipate the despair in the room.

  If his dog knew exactly who I was and what I did to him, then I really did stab him as deep as possible. Unable to stay on the subject any longer, I changed it. “Are you sure you aren’t hungry? I made pot roast.”

  Conrad considered it before he nodded. “Yeah, I’ll have some.”

  Thankful for a distraction, I set the table.

  ***

  We watched TV for the rest of the night, sitting on different couches. Apollo never took his eyes off me, like he thought I might pull a move on Conrad. We used to watch TV together but it was different than this. For one, we would be on the same couch snuggling close to each other. And we would be watching a family movie or something other than sports. Conrad kept me at a distance, treating me like any other guest that might swing by and pay him a visit. But the fact he allowed me in the apartment at all told me there was hope we could have something again.

  When it was almost eleven, I knew I should leave. Conrad had work in the morning and so did I. I assumed he would walk me home but I didn’t say the thought out loud. “I should get going…” I stood up and grabbed my purse without waiting for him. I probably overstayed my welcome as it was.

  Conrad left the couch then came to my side.

  “I’ll pick up the containers some of other time.” I wasn’t attached to them, but it was an excuse to come by and see him if I needed one.

  Conrad didn’t make a move for the door or even glance at the pans. He stared at the floor as he rubbed the back of his neck. Then he looked at me, an entire story deep within his eyes.

  I stayed rooted to the spot because I knew he had something to say. Despite being apart for months I still understood him so well.

  “I…I haven’t been able to sleep since you left.”

  My breathing immediately stopped because I didn’t want to miss a single word he said. I hadn’t been able to sleep either. It simply wasn’t the same not having Conrad beside me.

  “I’ve had girls stay over but…it wasn’t the same.”

  I tried not to cringe at the mention of the others. The idea of Conrad touching another woman, enjoying her flesh the way he once enjoyed mine, made me feel broken. He didn’t owe me anything, but even now I still felt like he was mine and they had no right touching him.

  “I haven’t had a good night’s rest in…five months, three weeks, and two days.”

  My eyes moved to his face, and I felt the lump form in my throat. My heart was on fire from the pain that ignited it. The fact he counted every single day that we’d been apart moved me in a painful way. And I knew his calculation was accurate—because I’d been counting too. “Neither have I.”


  “Can you…stay?” Conrad wore a mask of indifference but I knew his heart was on the line. He was making a gesture toward me, a step toward reconciliation.

  I wouldn’t fuck it up. “I’d love to.”

  He didn’t show his reaction again, but I knew he’d been hoping for that answer. “Okay.” He moved to the couch and lay down and pulled the blanket from the back of the couch.

  I lay beside him and placed my head on his shoulder. Like always, I hooked my arm around his waist and tucked my leg in between his thighs. He pulled the blanket over us then turned off the TV. The apartment was dark with the exception of the evening lights in the background. Apollo lay at the foot of the couch and watched us closely, like he didn’t like what he was seeing.

  Conrad released a deep sigh, like he was exhausted from a long run. He turned his face toward mine and made eye contact with me. He held the look for a long time before he finally closed his eyes. After thirty seconds of steady breathing, he drifted off into a deep sleep.

  I was exhausted but not interested in sleep. Instead, I watched him. A shadow had formed on his chin from not shaving, and his lips looked relaxed. They were no longer in a permanent frown. Every time he took a breath his massive chest expanded against me. It moved me slowly every time.

  Being this close to him but not having him brought me pain. Why did I throw this away? Why did I hurt him so cruelly? Why hadn’t he gotten my letter? If I’d done something different perhaps we wouldn’t be here now. We might be planning our wedding in the countryside or talking about china patterns. Instead, we were worlds apart even if our bodies were close together.

  I did this to us.

  And I hated myself for it.

  ***

  Nathan stopped by my office before lunchtime. “Haven’t heard from you in a while.” He stood in front of my desk with his hands in his pockets. A look of accusation burned in his eyes.

  “I’ve been busy.” Nathan and I were a fling I regretted ever having.

  “Doing what?”

  “Not seeing you.”

  His eyes narrowed in irritation. “Ever since you ran into that pretty boy at the restaurant you’ve been different.”

  I was getting sick of his jealousy and possessiveness. “I’m not your girlfriend, Nathan. Stop acting like I am.”

  “You sleep with me for two months but that doesn’t make you my girlfriend?”

  “I told you it was just a fling. It’s not my fault you didn’t believe me.”

  “Well, whatever the hell this is, I don’t want it to end.”

  “That’s not for you to decide.” I rose from my chair and stood up to my full height. “Now go and don’t call me again.”

  “You just kick me to the side?”

  “Yes. You need to look up the definition of a fling.”

  His irritation was palpable. “You seeing someone else?”

  “Yes. No.” There was no simple answer. “It’s complicated.”

  “Is it pretty boy?” he demanded.

  “It doesn’t matter who it is. I’m done with you.”

  His pride had finally been wounded enough. “Whatever. I’m not putting up with this horseshit.”

  “Good.” I nodded to the door. “Get out.”

  He gave me a final glare before he stormed off.

  I sincerely hoped that was the last time I’d see him.

  ***

  I went to the deli where Conrad and I first ran into each other after that party. We hooked up in the bathroom and did nasty things even though we didn’t know each other’s names. When he approached me at the deli, I thought he would be another guy I’d use then kick aside.

  But he ended up being the love of my life.

  I went there today in the twisted hope I might see him. Now I was going out of my way in the hope I would bump into him somewhere. Sleeping with him last night was the nicest comfort I had in a long time. When Conrad woke up the following morning, he was well rested and even…in a better mood. I hadn’t slept that well in several months.

  I walked inside and took a discreet glance at the place. I spotted a man in a suit sitting in a booth in the corner, and when I noticed those intense blue eyes and powerful shoulders I knew it was the man I yearned to see.

  But he wasn’t alone.

  Sitting across from him was the woman he used to see—Carrie.

  Jealousy, rage, and betrayal washed through me like an incoming tide. Was he still seeing her? Were they fooling around? Did Conrad play me? Did he purposely try to hurt me?

  But then my pragmatism returned. Conrad and I weren’t back together even though I wish we were. If he was still seeing her, I couldn’t do anything about it. I’d have to play it cool…as impossible as that sounded.

  Conrad turned in my direction, and his eyes narrowed on me when he recognized me.

  I was hoping to slip out before he noticed me but now I couldn’t duck and cover. I had to walk over there and pretend seeing him with Carrie didn’t bother me in the least even though it ripped me apart inside.

  I approached their table and tried to act natural. “Hi…”

  “Hey.” Conrad didn’t move to embrace me. He hardly looked at me.

  Carrie gave a bright smile and even waved at me. “Hey.”

  Perky bitch. “Hi…”

  Now it was officially awkward.

  Conrad didn’t explain what they were doing or why they were together. Maybe they just bumped into each other. Maybe she needed to borrow money from him. There could be a logical explanation for their meeting.

  Carrie eyed Conrad like she expected him to say something.

  Conrad still didn’t say a word, holding his silence. He didn’t talk a lot when we used to be together, but now he was even more silent than usual.

  “Conrad and I were just having a friendly lunch,” Carrie said. “We bumped into each other.”

  My lungs finally released the air they were holding.

  “No,” Conrad said. “I texted you and asked you to get lunch with me. You agreed. That’s what really happened.” He gave her a glare before he turned back to me. “If Lexie has a problem with that, she can complain to someone else.”

  I tried not to react to his hostility. Just last night he was so gentle with me. He asked me to spend the night, and he held me against his chest like a teddy bear. Now he was aggressive…and a little bit rude. “I was just stopping by on my lunch break. I thought I would get a sandwich and take it back to the office.”

  “Why don’t you just join us?” Carrie offered. “Conrad was just telling me about the pie you made last night. You’re quite the baker, I hear.”

  They must be not sleeping together if Conrad talked about me to her. Unless they were sleeping together and Carrie didn’t care what Conrad did when she wasn’t around. I wish I could just ask Conrad but it didn’t feel right. “I know a few things.”

  “She can cook too,” Conrad said. “She made pot roast last night. I’ll eat the leftovers for dinner tonight.”

  “That was very nice of you, Lexie,” Carrie said. “I never learned how to cook so Conrad needs someone like that.”

  This was getting weird. They talked about their old relationship like there was no bitterness over the ending. If I lost Conrad, I wouldn’t be able to walk it off like she did. I knew she bowed out because Conrad still loved me, but I refused to believe she didn’t have deeper feelings for him. It simply wasn’t possible.

  “Well, I should get back to the office.” Conrad eyed his watch. “I’ll see you later, Carrie.”

  “Bye, Conrad.” She sipped her drink and didn’t get up.

  Conrad adjusted his tie once he was out of the booth. “Bye, Lexie.” He spoke to me like last night didn’t happen.

  “Bye…”

  He walked out and didn’t look back, looking like a powerhouse in his designer suit. He had the right body to fill it out, and all eyes were on him, male and female.

  Carrie watched me. “There’s nothing going on be
tween us.” She answered my unspoken question. “We’re still friends and we spend time together. I’m not a threat to you.”

  I didn’t show her my cards and kept a stoic expression.

  Carrie smiled. “You don’t believe me.”

  “No,” I said honestly. “No woman would let Conrad go without a fight.”

  “Well, he’s not meant for me,” she said. “I had to let him go. I love him, and I had to do the right thing.”

  Hearing her say that immediately made me hot under the collar. “Excuse me?”

  “In a friendly way, Lexie. The love I had with my husband was blinding hot and powerful. I see that same type of love with you two. I would never stand in the way of that. Conrad is stubborn, cautious, and defensive right now. But I know he’ll eventually forgive you and let you back in. Just be patient with him. Believe me, that man is still just as madly in love with you now as he was five months ago.”

  Now my earlier jealousy and paranoia felt misplaced. “Yeah…?”

  She nodded. “He talks about you all the time.”

  “What does he say?”

  “That he loves you but can never take you back because he doesn’t trust you.”

  My hope died in my chest.

  “But he will take you back, Lexie. Don’t worry about that.”

  “How do you know?”

  She shrugged. “I just do. He knows what his life is like without you. I know he doesn’t want to relive that experience.” She sipped her soda again.

  Maybe Carrie wasn’t all that bad.

  “Just keep being patient with him,” she said. “Don’t rush him.”

  “I’ll take your advice.”

  “And that dinner thing you’ve been doing, keep it up,” she said. “I can tell he likes that. It reminds him of your old relationship, coming home to you after he gets off work and seeing you there with dinner on the table.”

  “Thanks for the tip.”

  “Anytime.”

  I liked her more than I did before, but I didn’t appreciate the fact she was pretty. “If I weren’t here, would you still be with him?”

  She smiled and shook her head slightly. “Men like Conrad don’t come around very often. You bet your ass I would still be with him. And he’d be in my bed every night.”