I Will Love You Page 9

  His eyes watched mine intently. “Yeah?”

  “Yeah,” I said. “I was scared at first but then I was glad I would have a piece of you forever. Every time I look at my son’s face, I’ll see you. Why wouldn’t I want that?”

  His eyes softened. “I want to say something and I want you to say it back.”

  I held his gaze and didn’t look away.

  “I love you.” He stared at me with emotion-filled eyes, needing me to repeat the words back to him.

  I didn’t need to say it. He already knew. “I love you too.”

  He released the breath he was holding. “Things are difficult for me right now. I’m in a lot of pain. Leaving my family is harder than I let on. Selling this house will break my heart. Leaving my niece and nephew will rip me apart. I need you more than ever, even just as a friend. I need you to love me in whatever way you can so I can have some sort of happiness. Can you do that?”

  I moved my fingers through his hair. “You know I would do anything for you.”

  He pulled the sheets down and revealed my stomach and legs. I was only wearing my panties underneath but the exposure didn’t make me uncomfortable. He leaned over my stomach and kissed my belly button. Then he kissed my stomach everywhere, cherishing the life growing inside me. “I can’t wait until you get here,” he whispered.

  I watched Ward praise my stomach with kisses and touches, and the sight brought tears to my eyes.

  The he pulled the sheets up again and lay beside me in bed. This time he cuddled closer to me, putting his arm around my waist above my stomach. He buried his face in my hair and took a deep breath.

  I hadn’t been this comfortable in a long time. I felt at peace. I felt at home.

  And I fell asleep, safe in his arms.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  Roland

  “He doesn’t want me anymore.” I stared at the floor under my feet. I was sitting on Skye’s couch, feeling lost and weak. My heart didn’t pound the way it used to. It seemed to be broken, functioning but not at the same capacity. “He…is considering going back to Ander.”

  Skye sat beside me, her hand wrapped around mine. “I’m sorry…” She was gentle with me, keeping her voice low like she would provoke me if she didn’t.

  “I can’t believe this is happening…I keep hoping I’ll wake up from this nightmare.”

  She moved her thumb across my knuckles. “You should tell Mom and Dad.”

  “What’s the point?” I said with a painful sigh. “Heath said it’s too late. Whether I tell them or not, he wants nothing to do with me. He said I took too long trying to figure out what I wanted.”

  “Maybe he was just upset when he said that,” she said. “Tell Mom and Dad and then tell Heath they know everything. That might make him reconsider.”

  “I know Heath,” I said. “It won’t change anything. He’s a man of his word.”

  “You have to tell them anyway, Ro,” Skye said. “And shouldn’t you do it now when there’s a chance, however slim, that it might make Heath come back?”

  “I don’t know…” I wanted to tell my parents even less now. I didn’t have a man to introduce them to so what was the point? If they rejected me I wouldn’t have anyone to comfort me besides my sister.

  “Do it.” Her voice was firm but gentle at the same time.

  “I fucked it up—bad.”

  “You want my advice?” she asked.

  I shrugged. “I don’t think you have any advice to give, honestly. You aren’t gay or have ever known someone who is gay.”

  “But I’ve been in several relationships. And like you said, gay relationships aren’t much different than straight ones.”

  “Then what do you want to say?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.

  “I think you should tell Mom and Dad. Then you should fight for Heath. Ander is trying to get back together with him. I’m sure he’s whispering a bunch of things in Heath’s ear, trying to manipulate him. But if you fight as well you’ll win. Heath loves you. Remember that.”

  I had no motivation to do that since it seemed so unlikely to do any good.

  “Ro, what other choice do you have?” Skye asked. “This is your only option.”

  It was my only option.

  “Now do it and tell Heath you’re ready to give him everything he wants.”

  “But he said—”

  “I know what he said. But he also said it under the assumption that you would never come clean to your parents anyway. Prove him wrong.”

  Telling my parents was going to be painful. I felt sick just thinking about it. The look on my dad’s face would be horrifying. There would be nothing but disappointment in his eyes. Our relationship would never be the same. He would look at me with disgust, thinking I was a freak for wanting men instead of women. I wasn’t sure how my mom would feel. Knowing her, she would be supportive. But there was no guarantee. “What if I lose them…?”

  “You won’t, Ro.”

  “Come on, Skye. No parent wants to have a gay child.”

  “Maybe,” she admitted. “But no parent wants to lose a child—whether he’s gay or straight.”

  That gave me a small sense of hope.

  “Roland, Dad almost lost me and you saw how terrified he was. There’s no possible way that Dad will be anything but supportive. He would never turn his back on you—never in a million years.”

  When I thought about my relationship with my dad I realized there was a lot I wished I had done differently. “Dad is my hero…I look up to him. We’ve argued a lot over the years but the idea of losing my relationship with him terrifies me. I love him…I can’t live without him.”

  “I know.” She squeezed my hand. “I love him too.”

  “I want him to be proud of me, not look at me as a failed project.”

  “Dad would never think that.”

  “Neither one of us have no idea what he’ll think…” I wished I could know that information beforehand. It could change everything.

  Skye was quiet for a while. “This is what it comes down to,” she said. “You have to tell them anyway. Can you really live your life like this forever? If it doesn’t work out with Heath, you’ll meet someone else. And he won’t want to be a secret either. No matter what, this needs to happen. And if Mom and Dad really turn their backs on you, then that’s their problem. But if they shun you, then they shun me too. I wouldn’t want anything to do with him if they treated you differently in any way.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah,” she said. “Cayson and Conrad feel the same way. We’re in this together.”

  “So…you’ll be there when I tell them?”

  “Of course. I’ll be there the whole time.”

  I took a deep breath when I realized what was about to happen. “I can’t believe I’m doing this…”

  “Just concentrate on Heath,” she said. “There’s still hope.”

  I wasn’t optimistic. But if there was any chance I could get him back I had to take it. Heath was the only man I’d been with but I knew that he was special, possibly the man I was supposed to be with. Maybe that was crazy talk because I was delusional with pain. But I had a feeling it was still true.

  ***

  Skye and I pulled up to the house I grew up in then sat in the car. We both stared at the lights coming in through the window. Mom’s silhouette was seen in the kitchen. Dad was reading on the couch.

  The time had come.

  Skye watched me from the passenger seat. “You can do this.”

  “Can I?” Doubt came into my heart.

  “I know you can.”

  My sister and I had become a lot closer since I told her I was gay. We’d never had any type of relationship but now we did. She was my friend, and not just my family. I couldn’t imagine my life without her. “Thank you for helping me…I wouldn’t be able to do this without you.”

  “I’m always here, Ro. I love you.”

  “I love you too,” I whispered. I stared at
the house for a few more minutes.

  Skye patiently waited until I was ready.

  I released a deep sigh. “Let’s do this.”

  ***

  Mom prepared homemade pizza for dinner. It was something she and my father loved to eat. They usually had it once a week. I remembered eating it growing up. Mom made every different kind of pizza you could think of, and not all of them were delicious. Some were a little weird. But tonight, it was classic pepperoni.

  “Your arm doing well?” Dad asked Skye.

  “So much better,” she said. “I don’t really need the sling anymore. But Cayson is a Nazi about it.”

  “Good,” Dad said. “Cayson should be that way.”

  Skye rolled her eyes. “You guys are becoming more alike than I care to admit.”

  “That’s not an insult, for either one of us,” Dad said.

  “You’d be lucky to marry a man like your father,” Mom said. “And I’m glad to say Cayson is very close.”

  “He used to be more laid back…” Skye said.

  “Well, now you know why I’m not laid back,” Dad said darkly.

  “But you were like that before everything happened,” Skye noted. “Unless there’s something else?”

  I didn’t participate in the conversation. Instead I looked at my plate and kept eating.

  Dad didn’t answer Skye’s unspoken question.

  Mom pretended she didn’t notice the tension at the table

  “Did something else happen, Dad?” Skye attempted to seem casual.

  “I already told you this,” Dad said. “Don’t ask me about it. It’s in the past and that’s where it belongs.”

  Skye exchanged a look with me before she turned back to him. “Conrad said you’re thinking of selling the house.”

  They both flinched.

  “And why did Conrad say such a thing?” Mom asked before she sipped her wine.

  “Mike said something to him,” Skye said. “Why would you think about selling the house? What’s wrong with it?”

  Dad started to become sour. “Don’t worry about our real estate situation. We can handle it.”

  “Roland and I grew up in this house,” Skye said. “I’d like to know why you’d ever want to get rid of it. I have a right to ask that.”

  Dad sighed like he was irritated.

  Mom watched him closely. “We’ve been here for a long time and it’s time for a change of pace.”

  “Are you a politician now?” Skye asked.

  Dad reached his limit. “I don’t want to talk about this. We’re having dinner together. This is none of your business, and if we do decide to sell the house we’ll let you know. But we haven’t decided anything.”

  Skye backed off, knowing the conversation was done.

  A minute of awkward silence passed.

  “What’s new with you, Ro?” Dad asked as he kept eating.

  Uh…now was the best time. “Nothing, really.”

  Skye shot me a venomous look.

  “Work okay?” Dad asked.

  “Yeah,” I answered. “It’s a lot of deadlines but I push through.”

  Skye kicked me under the table.

  “How’s Heath?” Mom asked. “I haven’t seen him in a while.”

  Just hearing his name made me depressed. “He’s good…”

  This time Skye spoke out loud. “Roland, come on.”

  Both of my parents looked at her.

  “Come on what?” Dad asked.

  I squeezed my hands under the table, trying to prepare myself. It was like a bandage. If I ripped it off quickly, it would hurt a lot less. Dragging it out was only making it worse. “There’s something I need to tell you. And I should have told you a long time ago.”

  Dad didn’t touch his wine glass or his dinner. His entire focus was on me. He wore a t-shirt and jeans, looking casual. Only in his home did he look like a regular person. I thought not seeing him wear a suit would make him less intimidating. It didn’t. In fact, I was more wary of him.

  Mom abandoned her food as well. She regarded me with intelligent eyes, her mind working to figure out what my secret was. Mom had the unnatural ability to read my mind even when I didn’t like it. But I had a feeling she wouldn’t figure this one out. She would have mentioned it already if she had.

  “Everything okay, son?” Dad asked, still watching me.

  Would he ever call me son again? I didn’t realize how much I would miss the nickname until I didn’t hear it anymore. Damn, this was hard.

  Skye patiently watched me, waiting for me to let the cat out of the bag.

  “Everything is fine,” I said. “It’s nothing bad…I guess.” It depended on their view of it.

  Mom rested her elbows on the table and placed her hands under her chin. She had a calm posture.

  Dad’s shoulders were perfectly straight and poised for attack. His wide chest rose and fell with even breaths but his eyes shined like a man on defense. His dark hair was slightly messy from the shower he just had, and he had the look of a man you didn’t want to cross. I respected my father but I also feared him. And that’s why this was so hard.

  “Ro, what is it?” Mom whispered. “You can talk to us.”

  Skye continued to stare at me, encouraging me with just a look.

  Dad shifted his weight in the chair, clearly impatient. But he held his silence.

  “I don’t know how to say this,” I began. “It’s really hard for me to talk about—especially to you. Your approval and support mean a lot to me. I wouldn’t know what to do if I didn’t have it. That’s why I’ve put this off for so long, unsure what your reaction might be.”

  Dad watched me with narrowed eyes.

  Mom’s lips were pressed tightly together. “Whatever it is, Roland, you know your father and I love you. And that will never change.”

  Or would it? Only my mom said that. Would my dad agree? “It’s been going on for about a year. I spent a long time finding myself and figuring out who I really am. It’s been a painful journey but liberating at the same time.” I thought of Heath and everything I’d been through with him. I missed him so much. Losing him was a pain I knew I wouldn’t be able to forget about—even if I tried.

  “And what did you discover?” Dad asked calmly.

  How did I prepare them for what I was about to say? There was no way to gently say it or ease them into it. I couldn’t believe I was going to come clean, to reveal the truth. I couldn’t look at my parents as I said it. I stared at the table. “I’m gay.”

  Silence.

  I closed my eyes, like that would help.

  There wasn’t a single sound. Glasses didn’t move across the table. No one breathed. It was dead silent, almost eerie.

  I opened my eyes and examined them, afraid of what I might see.

  Mom hadn’t reacted at all. It was like she hadn’t heard me.

  Dad was staring at the surface of the table, a blank expression on his face.

  Fuck, this was bad. I started to ramble because I was nervous. “It just happened…I’m not sure how. When I moved to the city I met Heath and we just connected on an inexplicable level. We were friends for a long time but I always knew something else was there. I pushed him away because I didn’t want to admit how I felt. But he forced me to confront my emotions, and I knew the truth. I knew I was gay. Heath and I were together for a long time…and now I’m here.”

  It was still quiet.

  My parents didn’t say a word.

  Skye’s eyes kept darting back and forth between them.

  My nerves pushed me to keep talking. “I knew something was off as I was growing up. I never wanted a relationship with a girl but I wasn’t chasing after tail like Conrad and Slade. I usually took the backseat and I wasn’t sure why. And then when I slept with Jasmine I knew it wasn’t right. Instead of enjoying it then leaving, I just felt guilty. I wanted to hang out with her rather than have sex with her. I just…knew. And when Heath came along I couldn’t hide it anymore. He brou
ght it out of me.”

  The silence was killing me.

  Mom spoke first. “Roland, I apologize if this isn’t the reaction you were hoping for. I’m just shocked. I’ve known you for your entire life and I never suspected you might be gay…it’s a lot to take in.”

  At least she said something. I glanced at Dad.

  He was still stoic.

  Mom continued. “I know you must have been terrified to tell your parents this. And the fact you did shows your father and I how much courage you have. What I said before still stands. We love you as much as we did before.” She placed her hand over mine.

  Acceptance. Support. Love. It’s what I hoped for but assumed I would never get.

  Skye grabbed my shoulder. “I told you,” she whispered.

  “Thanks, Mom,” I said. “I…I was afraid you might hate me.”

  Her eyes softened noticeably. “Never. You could be on death row and I would still look at you with the same fondness. The extraordinary thing about being a child is knowing you have two people who will love you no matter what.”

  I nodded, unable to voice what I was feeling. Then I turned to my dad, wanting the same reaction from him.

  He didn’t look my way.

  My heart started to tear in two.

  Dad cleared his throat, his gaze still averted. “I just…you slept with that married woman.”

  “I know,” I said. “But…it doesn’t feel the way it does when I’m with Heath.”

  “This is so…unexpected.” Dad’s eyes darted back and forth like he was reading.

  “But we both support you,” Mom said, her hand still on mine.

  It didn’t seem like Dad supported me at all.

  “Dad?”

  He still didn’t look at me. “Your whole life you’ve played sports and went to parties…you’ve played with toy soldiers and took out girls on Friday nights. This…doesn’t make any sense.”

  My heart fell out of my body. “I know it feels sudden. But it isn’t a mistake. This is how I feel. I know I prefer men.”

  Dad rested his chin on his hand and rubbed it while he thought quietly to himself.

  Mom watched him. “Ro, your father is just taking a few moments to take it in—that’s all.”

  It didn’t seem that way. Disappointment shined at me through his eyes. There was no love or acceptance there. There was only irritation, sadness, and even despise. My father didn’t love me anymore. And he certainly didn’t look at me the same.