All Hope Is Lost
All Hope Is Lost
Book Forty-Four of The Forever and Ever Series
E. L. Todd
Chapter One
Trinity
Cassandra, my assistant, entered my office. “Mrs. Sisco, how are you today?”
“Good. You?” I was anything but good. My entire family was on alert, waiting for any news surrounding Cedric. Our ears were pressed to the floor, listening for a single sound. It was difficult to give a damn about anything anymore.
“Great,” she answered. “Libby from photo is here.”
“Send her in.” I just finished an email and sent it off.
“Sure.” Cassandra shut the door, and then it reopened a moment later when Libby walked inside.
“Hey, haven’t seen you in a while.” She sat in the yellow armchair facing my desk. An iPad was in her hands, and the screen was white in preparation for note taking.
“Just been busy.” I opened the correct file on my computer and looked at the images of our most recent photo shoot.
“Everything alright, Trin?” Libby and I had a good relationship. It was professional, but we were friends too. I tried to be warm to all my employees. After all, they were my army. They would never be loyal to me unless I cared about them personally.
“I’ve been better.”
“Want to talk about it?”
I sighed before I told her about Cedric. “We’ve been waiting for news. All we want is for him to be discharged.”
“That’s terrible…”
“It’s been rough on all of us.” My hand automatically went to my stomach.
Libby’s eyes widened. “Trinity...are you pregnant?”
I hadn’t announced it to the office yet. But telling Libby wouldn’t cause any harm. She would tell everyone else, so I wouldn’t have to say anything at all. “I am.”
“Awe.” She clutched her hands to her chest. “That’s absolutely wonderful. I’m so happy for you.”
“Thank you. Slade and I are excited.”
“It’s such a magical time. I still remember when I was pregnant with Maggie. I was constantly uncomfortable, my feet were swollen, and I couldn’t stop eating everything in sight. But it was magical all the same.”
I chuckled. “I haven’t experienced that yet but I’m sure I will.”
“It’s such a milestone,” she said. “It changes your life forever. It changes your marriage and everything.”
“It does?” I wasn’t sure what she meant.
“Everyone is different, but my husband and I had a strong physical relationship before the baby came. After that, it kind of died off. My body was never the same and I had stretch marks. He claims I’m beautiful but…” She shrugged at the end of her sentence. “It’s just not the same.”
I tried not to panic and assume the worst for Slade and I. I was very thin, so I would probably have stretch marks. Of course, things would change. My breasts would get bigger and so would my ass. The basis of my relationship with Slade was physical attraction. What would happen if that disappeared?
“But that’s just me,” Libby said. “I doubt you and Slade will have any problems. And when your baby is here, it becomes the number one thing in your life. So even if you aren’t getting laid all the time it doesn’t really matter.” She turned to her iPad and made a few notes. “What are your thoughts on the jeans?”
It took me a few seconds to return to the conversation. My mind was racing with images of the future, of Slade no longer looking at me with desperation in his eyes. He was the kind of guy that would look great as he aged. Just like his father, he would still catch attention even when he entered his fifties. Women would want him at any age, whether he was married or not.
I shook the thought away and got back to work.
***
Slade came to the office at the end of the day. “Hey, baby. How was your day?” He wore dark jeans and a leather jacket with a t-shirt underneath. The only sight of his tattoos came from the end of his wrists and to his hands.
“Good.” Libby’s words came back to me but I pushed them away.
He came behind the desk and kissed me, like always. “Fire anyone today?”
“I never fire anyone.”
“Maybe you should,” he said. “You know, establish authority.”
“Or I could just let them do their job.”
“Eh, not as much fun.”
“Have you ever fired anyone?” Slade was too soft for that.
“I fire Razor all the time. Shit, I fired him last week.”
“Then why is he still there?”
Slade shrugged. “He just shows up like nothing happened, and I don’t have the energy to fire him again.”
A laugh escaped my lips, the first one in a long time.
Slade smiled when he realized he made me smile. “Ready to go?”
“Yeah.” I set my purse on my desk and put my phone inside. I wore flats like he asked, and now I was an extra five inches shorter than him. I wasn’t very tall to begin with, so having him be at least a foot taller than me made kisses awkward at times.
Slade grabbed my purse and put it over his shoulder. He could pull it off because his blunt masculinity balanced it out. “Want to get something to eat on the way?”
“Not hungry.”
He peered into my face like he saw something. “Everything alright, baby?”
“Yeah…just worried about Cedric.” That was the truth. At least one truth.
“Yeah, I hear you,” he said with a nod. “But he’ll be fine.”
“What makes you so certain?”
“The universe wouldn’t do that.” Slade wasn’t religious. In fact, he was an atheist. He and I never talked about religion because we had very different views about it. But he was very spiritual.
“The universe?”
“Yeah,” he said. “It just wouldn’t be right.”
“Like Karma?”
“No.”
I decided to give up while I was ahead. “Let’s go home.”
***
I lay against Slade’s chest in the bathtub. Soap bubbles were in the water, and the candles glowed dimly. The only sound was the movement of the water when one of us shifted our weight.
Slade had one arm wrapped around my waist while the other rested along the tile outside of the water. His beer sat there, and he took a drink every few minutes.
Just sitting here and not thinking about anything was what I needed. Slade always comforted me in his silence as well as his words. He was my dream catcher, my torch to light the path, and the hum I fell asleep to. We had the kind of relationship where we didn’t need to talk just because we were in the same room. That kind of camaraderie was essential in a marriage.
Slade moved his hand to my stomach. “If I touch you in the right way, I can tell there’s someone in there.” His fingers grazed over the skin gently, feeling the slight bump.
“Yeah?” I leaned my head back on his shoulder.
“Yeah.” His fingers moved down to the tattoo along my hip, the ink you couldn’t see unless I was naked. “Are you ever going to tell your kids about this tattoo?”
“No.”
“Why not? I have them.”
“It’s different. I have to be a role model for them.”
He chuckled into my ear. “Shut the hell up.”
“It’s just awkward. It’s their father’s name along my hip. I don’t even know how I would go about that.”
“With words.”
“You know what I mean, Slade.”
“It’s sexy as hell so you should tell them.”
“I don’t think they’ll find it sexy.”
“Well, they are going to see my tattoo of you.”
“That’s different.”
As much as I loved the warm water surrounding my body as well as the comfort my drop-dead gorgeous husband provided I knew I needed to get out. “We should get to the hospital…”
“Whoa, hold on.” He rested his hand on my shoulder to keep me in the water. “You need to relax. I know Skye is going through a hard time but there’s nothing you can do for her right now. So, let’s sit until the water goes cold and then we’ll head out.”
I didn’t have any fight in me, so I leaned back against him and closed my eyes.
***
I watched my appearance in the mirror, and my hands went to my stomach. I pictured stretch marks across the skin, definitive and impossible not to notice. Slade was particular when it came to skin. Would it disgust him?
Slade pulled his shirt on then stood behind me facing the mirror. “Are you sure there’s nothing wrong?”
He could sense my emotions without fully understanding them. “Yes.” I stood in my thong and bra, and I realized how odd I looked standing there and touching my stomach. I turned away and grabbed my jeans.
“Yeah?” Slade came up behind me. “I get the impression you’re lying but I’m not sure why.”
I pulled my shirt on then fixed my hair. “It’s…I don’t want to talk about it.”
Slade continued to stand behind me, hovering. Then he grabbed my shoulders and forced me to turn around and face him. “Since when did you stop telling me everything? You tell me about your assistant stealing your stapler but you won’t talk to me about this?” He rested his fingers under my chin in a gentle way, keeping my eyes on him. “It’s me, baby.”
I wanted to turn my gaze away but I couldn’t. Whenever he looked at me like that I was helpless. The way he loved me was clear in everything he did. He was gentle in a loving way, his touch softer than a rose pedal. “I’m just worried…”
“About?” he pressed.
“Someone from work told me her marriage took a turn for the worse after they had their daughter…her body changed and she got stretchmarks. I guess he wasn’t as attracted to her anymore. She said it hasn’t been the same sense.”
Slade lowered his hand from my chin but his eyes were still on me. “What does that have to do with us?”
The fact he didn’t make the connection made me feel better. “Slade, my body is going to change. I’m okay with that but now I’m afraid you won’t be. What if I have stretch marks? What if I’m heavier than I used to be? What if—”
“We can always ink over the stretch marks. Make them into flames or something.” He had a teasing look in his eyes.
I glared at him. “Slade, I’m being serious—”
“I know.” He took on a serious tone. “Trinity, I don’t care about any of that. Who cares if you have stretch marks? They are like tattoos in a way. They are scars from your journey of childbirth, of the child we made together. What could be more beautiful than that?”
My eyes softened because I knew he was being sincere, not saying pretty words to make me feel better.
“And if your body is different and you’re heavier than you used to be, so what? I’ve been riding your ass about eating more so it’s perfect. You would look good with a few extra pounds. Baby, you’re stressing out over nothing. I’m not in love with you because you’re a beautiful woman. I’m in love with you because you’re a beautiful person.”
My heart fluttered and formed wings.
“So stop freaking out over Libby’s asshole husband. I’m an asshole, but not to you.”
“That’s not true…”
His hand moved to my hips and he rubbed his nose against mine, that usual look of love in his eyes. “Did I ever tell you I could see the future?”
I shook my head.
“Well, I can. Do you want to know where we’ll be down the road?”
“Sure.”
“We’ll be exactly the way we are now. We’re in love. We’re happy. And we have a family.”
Chapter Two
Conrad
“Dad, can I head out?” I stood in the doorway.
Dad looked up from his desk. “Where are you going?”
“The hospital.” I was leaving work early to check in on things. Skye and I had grown close since we started working together. She had the support of everyone she knew, but I knew she told me things she wasn’t comfortable admitting to everyone else. And I wanted to see Cedric. He wasn’t aware of his surroundings or who we were, but I knew he didn’t feel alone when we were there.
“I just came from there. No updates.”
“I want to stop by anyway.”
Dad nodded. “Sure. You finished that briefing?”
I tried not to snap at him. I’d been the perfect worker since the day I started. I’d never faltered and everything was done on time and done right. He was constantly breathing down my neck and micromanaging me. “Yes, Dad. I finished it this morning.”
“Then why haven’t I seen it?”
I walked into the room then pointed at the folder on the corner of his desk. “I told your assistant I left it here.”
“Oh…” Dad grabbed it and flipped through it. “Great. Good work.”
“So, when are you leaving?”
He eyed his watch. “In about an hour.”
“I mean for good.” I crossed my arms over my chest.
Dad chuckled. “Sick of me?”
“I’m sick of you watching my every step but never acknowledging everything I do around here. I’m capable of running this company on my own. All you and Sean do is get in my way.”
“That’s harsh.”
“And true.”
“Conrad, I know you do a great job around here. Honestly, you’re a much better CEO than I was when I started.”
“And I still am.”
He gave me a look full of fondness even though I was being a smartass. “That’s debatable.”
“Not really. So, when are you guys leaving?”
“I don’t have an answer to that.”
“What are you waiting for? I thought you were excited to go?”
“Sean wants to make sure everything is okay with Skye before he officially steps down. She’s got a lot on her plate right now.”
“I understand that,” I said. “But you told me I couldn’t slip up even when my personal life goes to shit. Why does she get any slack? Just because she’s a woman? We both know I would never get that kind of leniency.”
Now his mood darkened. “When your girlfriend rejects your proposal that doesn’t give you the right to turn into the world’s biggest douchebag. But when you might lose your son, your child, then you get all the goddamn slack you need. There’s a difference, Conrad.”
“I get that,” I said. “But you shouldn’t be afraid to leave because of her. You’ve got me. I can handle it.”
Dad looked down at his desk.
“That isn’t the real reason and we both know it. So don’t feed me some bullshit about Skye and try to make me feel like shit about it. I caught you in your lie. Now fess up.”
Dad was quiet for a full minute. He pressed his lips tightly together before he spoke. “Conrad, you still aren’t back on your feet yet. We can’t leave when both you and Skye are struggling.”
“I’m not struggling.”
Dad turned his eyes on me, and there was doubt there.
“I’m fine.”
“Conrad, it’s okay not to be fine. You’ve had a rough year. Sean and I would rather wait until the dust settles.”
Why didn’t anyone believe me? “Just because I’m not settled down with a wife doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me.”
“Of course not,” he said. “But I know you and Lexie…are doing whatever you guys are doing.”
“We aren’t doing anything.”
“Well, I’d like to see that get straightened out—for good. She’s either gone from your life or she’s by your side. This limbo sta
ge, where none of us are sure what’s going to happen, isn’t the best time for me to step down and give you the full reigns. You ran your life into the mud and ruined your reputation. Somehow, you shattered everything you spent your life building—over one girl. What would have happened to the company if I weren’t here? You would have destroyed my father’s legacy—my legacy.” Disappointment was in his eyes, as well as pain. He didn’t like saying any of this to me but he said it anyway.
I bowed my head because I knew he was right. I lost control over my life and crashed and burned. When I hit my lowest point I was in no position to make authoritative decisions.
“So, Sean and I are going to stay until you’re both ready. And when that day comes, I’ll pat you on the shoulder with complete confidence. I’ll look you in the eye and know this place is in the best hands possible.”
***
Skye was sitting in the chair facing the glass container. She wore sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt. Her hair was in a messy bun and her skin was pale like she hadn’t seen the sun in years.
“Hey.” I sat beside her.
It took her a moment to process I was there. “Hey, Conrad.” Her voice was empty and full of dreams.
“Doing okay?”
She nodded.
I pulled out a deck of cards. “Want to play Speed?”
A small smile stretched her lips. “I haven’t played that since we were little.”
“It’ll be fun.” I pulled the cards out and shuffled them. “How’s Cedric?”
“The same,” she said sadly. “Cayson says that’s a good thing. If he’s made it this far he’ll reach the finish line.”
“Cayson is the smartest dude I know so he’s probably right.” I divided the cards between us and set the deck in the center. We started to play and Skye wasn’t into it in the beginning. Her depression was still holding her back. After a few moments she finally found her groove.
“How’s it going with Lexie?”
I kept my eyes on the cards. “There’s nothing really to say.”
“Come on, Conrad.”
“We’re talking…but that’s about it.”
“You forgive her?”
“No…I don’t know if I can.”
She nodded. “I wouldn’t blame you.”